Tangles Out

Nights Like Tonight

2011-11-08T19:09:00.005-06:00

I suppose I owe you a bit of catching up from the last post but the quick version is everything ended up ok. Things got better and Kaleo and I are still together, we are still generally happy, he is still who I want for forever. There are no guarantees that things will be smooth sailing. I guess the only guarantee is that they won't be.

There will be nights like tonight.....

Oh how things change right? A few years ago I was writing about how crazy my single life was, about how a long term fling turned into an unkept pregnancy, about how marriage was something I was far from. Today, and for a while now, I want everything my younger 20 something self was running from. I am 28 now. I always wanted to be a younger mother (how ironic right?) but not in the way it came before. I have now found a man that loves me unconditionally. I want to be married to him, I want to have children, I want to have our own place. All of this is not happening.

I always wanted children but I never knew how bad this want would become. I knew I wanted it to happen the right way, you know, married and trying to become pregnant. Sometimes I worry if this deep and desperate want for a child is punishment for what I did. Sometimes I wonder if my boyfriend not wanting to have sex with me is punishment for what I did. In writng those words I feel dizzy and overcome by this immense saddness, knowing those statements are not true and feeling so deeply shameful for the part of me that believes they really are.

Obviously, this is still so hard for me to let go of.

Not only in letting go of it, but the desire to move forward with the hope of experiencing motherhood is so intense that everything -EVERYTHING- goes back to it.

An argument tonight. We aren't living in our own place yet (still have a roommate). We are not married, not even close. We do not have health insurance. Everything goes back to how far away starting a family is. Small things make me realize just how far away we actually are to making these dreams a reality. It makes me angry. Incredibly angry. It makes me sad. I don't know what to do. I know I am becoming hard to live with. I need our living situation to change. I feel like that will calm my tension by A LOT. But then the problems between oursleves will grow more prominent and you know, thank God because in the PRIVACY of OUR OWN HOME we would be able to deal with them. Here the privacy is scarce.

Even though I would prefer to be married first, I couldn't even accidentally become pregnant right now. You have to have sex for that to happen and right now I'm basically a virgin again. Every month my period comes and it breaks my heart. I cannot explain the deep sinking feeling that comes with that every. single. month.

I want a baby so bad. I want my own family so SO bad. I'm terrified that if I wait for it, that if we wait until "everything is perfect" it will be harder for us. I feel like if so much time passes becoming pregnant will be a challenge for us all because I deserve for it to be hard (or to not happen at all) because of what I've done. I know maybe that sounds irrational but those are the thoughts that cross my mind and cause the panic and sense of urgency. I have a broken heart that I made for myself.

My baby would have been two last week.

Long Time No Write

2011-05-24T19:15:00.004-05:00

Hello everybody. The title is kind of incorrect...I've been writing but not publishing. I've turned to this space as an opportunity to write and put down what's going on in my life right now but have been choosing not to publish bc I thought about leaving this blog the way it is. I thought about maybe ending it on a good note was the way to go ya know, I had a rough time a few years back and then I met Kaleo and lived happily ever after....except that's not the truth.

We have in fact moved in together. It has been a challenge and at times comical, you know the bickering and fights that you laugh about later that kind of stuff. More recently things have gone from kind of ok to not very good. I have heard that when people move in together that some times there is a disconnect that tends to move in with them. Everyone say hello to dreaded the disconnect.

I thought that when I moved in and we were together in the same city, same house that things would be awesome cause we would get more face time but I am beginning to realize that I was wrong. In fact it's as if he doesn't want to see me, ever. There have been more surprise band practices and late nights at work than I care to mention individually. Lately when I get home I am the only one here and he gets off work a lot earlier than I do. Everyday walking through the door is the loniest feeling. There has also been a huge sex issue. Without way too much than you care to know it has been happening less and less.

I have tried over the past several weeks to fight this feeling off thinking I am over reacting/this is nothing/everyone goes through this but with every week and every rejection I just can't.

Now I know what your first conclusion may be, he's cheating. I honestly in my heart of hearts don't believe that to be true at all not even a teeny tiny bit. I think if anything he's losing interest in me and I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly heartbreaking it is. We had a long talk a few weeks ago about insecurities and how I've been feeling and it was very reassuring. That conversation let me know we were both feeling the same way, things weren't perfect we had some things to work on but we were good. I felt ok for about two weeks and now all of a sudden things feel forced.

I feel like if I had not of moved in then we might be on our way to breaking up. I worry that if I keep bringing up how unhappy I am with things that I am annoying him, pushing him away even further. Then I feel like I MUST talk about them because if not we're doomed for sure. But yes, even when things are "good" it feels that his laughs and smiles are all being forecully pushed out in an attempt to keep me happy and unaware of this looming disconnect that is happening.

Right now he's in the living room. He finally came home from work chooses to sit in there away from me. He is not here to tell me about his day or ask of mine. It's real upsetting and pathetic that every time I hear footsteps walk by the door I am hoping he comes in the bedroom to be real sweet but he never does.

Reality is that I don't want to live like this. I understand that things are not going to be easy breezey and love love love all day everyday but I'm not even asking for that. I just want to be acknowledged and to feel loved. I don't feel that way and this last week the thought of leaving has crossed my mind.

Update...

2011-01-04T09:49:00.004-06:00

Hello everyone! It has been some time since I have let you know what's in my world. A few changes will be coming that will give me the opportunity to keep you updated more frequently(....as long as you care to know). Things at work are somewhat better, yes I'm still at the same place with the same crazy boss BUT not for long ;) I am so happy about that but at the same time nervous. Things are changing, as they always seem to be, but I am excited for the change and know I will make it one way or another. Kaleo is still amazing.

AND how about a new update on MI?????

Yes, it has been forever since I had heard from him but yet again he was in town for the holidays and he texted me. He asked if we could meet up, he would like to see me.

He did this the last time he was in town and I said no, why would I change my mind now? So I text him back,"No thank you, thanks for the offer." And he never responded. Geeze loueeeze! How repetitive can it get? It is a bittersweet thing you know. It is nice to think that I am still in his head but not enough to make me want to see him. Besides I have the world in Kaleo and would NEVER risk it for something stupid.

How about you folks? I have been reading and attempting to catch up on your blogs. You will see me around a lot more and commenting on your posts in the coming week or so ;)

Happy freakin new year!

More to come- cheers yall!

My Boss is Bat Shit Crazy

2010-11-18T10:31:00.003-06:00

Good morning everyone! Rise and shine...

I could not get to sleep last night. I tossed and turned and re evaluated my work life ten thousand times. My boss is insane. She's the type that tells you to do something and then once you've done it says,"I never told you to do that." Or she didn't hear a certain part OR she doesn't remember telling you that. There so much more to it but then I would have to write a novel.

I'm going insane yall.

Seriously.

It's is taking a serious toll on me. It is the most difficult thing to work for someone you don't respect. I don't feel she is any smarter than me and she is petty and most definitely tacky in dealing with others. She cried (more than once) when we had a super huge project going on. She openly admitted yesterday that she "cowers" when the president of the company walks into our suite. What. A leader.

It's taking everything in me not to throw my fucking computer against a wall folks. Day in and day out there is always something. She's completely unprofessional. She has no backbone and is ready to throw one of us under the bus to cover her ass at any given moment. She is not on our team. And we get poorly represented to upper management. I think the most I have learned in the position is how NOT to manage people. That is the only thing I can thank her for. That is the only silver lining.

I don't want it to get to the point where I freak out, tell her about herself and quit while I punch a wall and throw my computer out of a fucking window. I would like to bow out in class and give at least two weeks notice. (Although the crazy exit does seem like it would feel much better.)

The move is coming up and with that I am looking for a new job but in the mean time Kaleo has put the option on the table for me to not work, to go ahead and quit now- don't commute and just look for something closer. Take it easy for a bit. As badly as I want to do that I just don't know if it is financially the smartest thing to do. I would prefer to have money of my own during the down time. And quitting before I find something else just seems irresponsible.

On the other hand, I am shaking as I type this. I am nearing tears daily. I am in complete frustration and rage basically everyday as I exit the building. Is this worth it?

Anyone have an opinion or advice they'd like to share? Have you ever had an dip shit as a boss? How did you handle that situation? Should I go ahead and just punch her in the face?

Baby Dreams?

2010-11-17T09:36:00.004-06:00

Yes.... but just dreams. No real baby....yet.....or for a while even.....

For the past week I have been having dreams of being pregnant, giving birth, or all of a sudden having a child. I don't know if it's bc everyone around me has one or is in one of those stages or that I really REALLY want to conceive. It is possibly a little bit of both.

I do very much want to have a baby, yes this is true. I feel weird saying it here in this space as the story toward the beginning of this blog was quite different. Things change and now here we are. The reality of that is "we" are not ready. I know I know, no one is ever officially ready for a baby. There is no stamp of approval that comes and then you feel so assured that the time is right. BUT if we can make it as close to perfect timing as possible that it would be ideal. We're not married, not even engaged. We are transitioning careers, have a start up in the works, and have a brother roommate- we're so obviously not prepared.

The desire to want to conceive is so strong though. Is it because I'm 27? Does being 27 warrant those types of motherly feelings?

I feel as though this waiting or possible future complication will be some sort of curse, or what I deserve bc of what happened before. I know I can't look at it that way, but it is what it feels like. I suppose a certain degree of regret never goes away.

But in my dreams I am pregnant and I am happy. Or I am giving birth and it is so beautiful. Whatever the situation in my dreams, it is always a happy time.

Not a night has gone by in the past week where I have not dreamt about it. It is the weirdest thing. I began to think maybe it is not such a direct reflection on my desire to have a child but maybe as other things are changing too. I looked up the meaning of dreams and to dream about being pregnant or giving birth means the birth of a new idea or new circumstance. Which is what is definitely happening. I am moving, embarking on a whole new life and moving forward.

I'm ready I do believe to make the move and see what life with Kaleo has to offer. Still in the transition of it all I can't help but to really cherish the time at night when I am dreaming about holding a beautiful child that we made together.

Maybe, hopefully this will come in the next year or two.

Buying Curtains...is a lot more complicated than one might think....

2010-11-16T13:16:00.003-06:00

So, I will be moving in the next few weeks and first things first...make this house a home!

Kaleo's house is a nice but it has no style, no homey feel, no decor so to speak. Right now it's kind of bachelor pad slash fraternity house. You know what I mean? The dishes have been converted to plastic and paper, dirty clothes stay in baskets longer than they should, clean laundry is on the kitchen table. Uh yeah. We (read I) have some work to do. I need to make this place a home. I need to make it comfy and it desperately needs a woman's touch. I pride myself on being able to do so and couldn't wait to get started.

SO one thing at a time it is and we are beginning with curtains. Seems simple right?

Wrong.

Why you might ask? Because Kaleo is all of a sudden an interior designer. You see, I love this man to death but he has an opinion about everything. If he would just let me do this on my own I feel that in the end he would love the final result BUT he wants to be all in the mix, choosy and INVOLVED.

So I told myself, don't freak out, this could be good. Most guys want nothing to do with these kinds of things. This will be nice, it will be a collaboration! ....but really no, bad idea. I like to make the choices, I like what I like. And he likes uh, things that don't really go together... He has no idea how to match things and can't see the big picture of a finished room. I don't blame him, I really don't, not his fault, so let me just take the reigns ok? Needless to say 'redecorating' is becoming a little more difficult than I had imagined.

Back to the curtains....

So we're on the window treatment aisle and after a few,"What are you thinking!!!!" outburts we finally agree on some curtains for the bedroom. As we are putting each package into the shopping cart K says,"Check the packages. Make sure we have all the same measurements." And I did, I checked. He had three panels, I had one- threw them all in the basket and checked out.

On the way home Kaleo decides he wants to pull out one of the packages of curtains and "read about them". Yeah. He wanted to read about the curtains. See! Too involved.

So he notices that the panel he is holding is the wrong size.

"I told you to check!"

"I did check!"

"You checked WRONG!"

Back to the store we go.... both slightly annoyed.

Finally we are back home (His home, my soon to be home) and we proceed to hang the new curtains.

It was just slightly catastrophic. He's all like "Is this straight?" and I'm all like,"Just move it up a little, no to the right. Not THAT much to the right, back down- now your not even covering the window seal!"

Well somehow we made it out of Project Hang the Curtains alive but not without some mangled nerves.

Then it started to rain- I swear this is the total honest truth.....

It started to rain and surprise! The window is leaking!

THIS IS NOT A JOKE. This is my real life.

So you know day by day. We will have a beautiful home one way or another. I think I need to chill a bit. He's helping and yes I am thankful for the help. It is kind of funny a little when I think about the whole thing. Still, Curtains Round Two....let's put that off for a bit.

Moving- Again

2010-11-09T12:18:00.002-06:00

Soooo I'm moving in with Kaleo in a few weeks. There it is, it is real. I'm excited, I'm nervous, it came quicker than I thought it would thanks to some negotiation about my apartment's lease but things are working out and now I'm moving!

It's a first, it's a big first for me. It is a big time commitment to live with someone. You never really get a day away from them. They are always there. I love him and I want that but now that it's here I worry a bit. I suppose that's healthy right?

I will be commuting for approximately 3 months....or until I find a new job closer to my new living place. Right now I'm at work and I hate it. I talk about this all the time but seriously it brings me down. I am such a more pleasant and happier person when I'm not here doing this. Hopefully this move will help in changing that. A new office, a new direction, a new 'something'.

There is a lot going on and I want things to improve and be better. I'm so ready for a fresh new beginning somewhere else. Slowly in time it will all come.

Success and Sacrifice

2010-10-07T10:21:00.003-05:00

Sooo yall, we are right on the edgy edge of something wonderful Kaleo and I! And you know as exciting as it all is I have been getting kind of down with all the talk of people getting married and others having babies and to be honest, I want all of those things and I really would like them NOW.......

BUT I have to remember that K and I are living an alternative lifestyle- we have these huge goals that will be taking real form after the first of the year and we need some time to make them happen and THEN finally all that other stuff will take place too... in time.

I have to remind myself that even though a lot of our old friends are moving on with their lives that we are not stuck- we are moving along in a very different way, a way that will be more rewarding to us, a way that makes me so excited when I think of the rest of our lives!!! I can't be sad that we aren't planning a wedding, I can't be upset that we're not having a baby right now. We have a lot of work to do and those marriage and family making things have to wait.

Maybe this is silly (ok it's VERY silly) but when I get down about it I always remember Gwen Stefani didn't get married and have children until way later in life and look how badass she is. I'm just sayin'.....

We have some really hardcore plans that make us giggle with glee about the journey to get where we want to be and the success of it all once we succeed (AND WE WILL). But we have to put some things on hold in order to reach these things. I'm not saying that getting married would throw our dreams into a mass destruction but our time and energy need to be focused on the projects. And these projects need to be successful to make us the money in order to afford us some sort of wedding. In reality all of the things we want aren't really that far away. I worry about biological clock and shit like that, about how I would like to still have energy for children once I have them and I think about shut the fuck up bc I'm not even old.

Everyhting will fall into place. Everything will be fine. I need to rememebr to live in the now and not in the future.

Quick Update..

2010-10-05T08:45:00.002-05:00

Good morning internets! What. A. Weekend.

I know I know it's Tuesday but lawdy mercy, this weekend wiped me out! Lainey is engaged...I can't necessarily say I am super excited about it- she hardly knows the dude. More on that later....

It's Tuesday and I'm at work and I seriously need to get on the ball! There is so much to be done but why not blog first? I am SO looking forward to this weekend bc remember my closet project at Kaleo's? First step is complete, I cleaned out all the shit that was up there. Now I must bring down a few bins of Halloween stuff then I will begin painting on Saturday morning! Kaleo's sister moved out last week so now there is an entire huge space available for more living. I'm so excited to make this house my own that thankfully Kaleo has encouraged me to do. I won't be living there for another 5 months BUT the change process is beginning to take place and I am very happy about that ;)

If you are in south Texas can you even begin to believe how fucking awesome the weather is? These days have been beautiful! I wish my allergies would calm down but instead my eyes are fire red and bulging out of my face. I am also sneezing so much I could possible provide power for a small village.

BUT cheers to the makers of Zyrtec, you are saving me!!!!

I know it's only Tuesday but come Friday I will be all hopped up on some Zyrtec battling the 100 year old house, that's not an exaggeration either! That house is old and I think there are a few ghosts in it. Either way, things are going to be getting done and I am thrilled. Can I drink mimosas with Zyrtec? Because I'm going to.

Songs to Work Out To and Some Other Interesting Things....

2010-09-14T09:50:00.007-05:00

So is it wrong that I secretly (or perhaps not so secretly) wish that a Texas tornado would come knock over this office building in the middle of the night? Like when no one is here, so no one would be hurt but the building itself would be demolished. A girl can dream right?

Friday was insane yall. My boss and I Had. It. Out. I said everything, I told her she was heartless and immature and in the end I some how managed to get HER to apologize TO ME even though I was 45 minutes late to work....? Yes. That actually happened. Doesn't it make you giggle with pure fucking glee????

Needless to say Friday was stressful and DAMN awesome all at once. I still have a job and I still work at this dreadful place---it is this "dreadful place" that pays my bills though. I am looking for a new job. One close to Kaleo, duh. That search isn't going amazingly awesome YET. Send the good energy! Thanks and high fives to you and yours.

WORKIN ON MY FITNESS

I have exercized a few days over the past week and you know, it isn't as bad as I assumed it would be. But I have this thing where I am all rockin out with my headphones in my ears and I want so badly to sing out loud but I KNOW that if I did people in the gym would look at me like I'm insane...plus I'm not an amazing singer you know. It's always worse when you sing with headphones on -or in my case anyway- I sound horribly off key, but in my head I sound like Susan Boyle.

Working out with the right music is SO important. So I have compiled a list of songs that I listen to when I work out to share with you so you too can feel like a badass on the treadmill! I feel like I want to run around the apartment complex just punching people in the face bc I feel so awesome! "Look at me! I'm running and gettin' sexeh!" YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!

Songs That Make Court Really Crunk When Working Out:

Music is My Hott Hott Sex- CSS

Come in Closer- Blue October

Banquet- Block Party

The Con- Tegan & Sara

Garden Grove- Sublime

Electric Feel- MGMT

You Outta Know- Alanis Morisette

Teenaged Dream-Katy Perry

Starts With One- Shiny Toy Guns

Just Dance- Lady Gaga

What songs get you pumped when you work out?????

Seeing the Good in This Situation

2010-09-01T08:05:00.003-05:00

So yeah I'm not moving until my lease is up. I brought up the idea to Brit about moving out early should she find a roommate and uh..... basically it's just not going to happen. The whole deal with living with Kaleo and what not has been drawn out way too long. It has been an up and down roller coaster and I had been way ready to wash my hands of it.

You know I was originally going to go through the entire deal of it but I will spare you the details. Basically I am moving in with Kaleo in April. Yeah I know it's forever away- why are we still talking about this now? Well bc I nearly passed out last week when Kaleo told me that not only would he and I be living in the house but so would his brother and another roommate.

What? I don't want to live as a group. I am about to be 27 and Kaleo is really close to 30, why would we have roommates? I lived as a group in the sorority house when I was 18-20 years old. I totally grew out of that shit back then. I want my own space, I DO NOT want to share.

Well, the fact of the matter is we want to buy a house. Kaleo wants to save more to have a big chunk of a down payment and by living with roommates this gives the opportunity to save a significant amount of money. And ya'll, I have some bad credit because I had a horrible roommate at one point who forced me into breaking a lease. I have some things to pay off. Kaleo's thinking is that over the next year he will be able to save LOTS of money and I will be able to fix my credit with all the money we save. Yes, I know it is smart. BUT living with roommates IS NOT my idea of moving on up. I feel kind of foolish about it.

I understand sometimes you have to make sacrifices but this is one sacrifice I really didn't want to make. I cried. I cried in my office over my lunch break like a fucking baby. This is NOT where I imagned my self to be at 26 and 3/4ths! Why can't we just buy the house now? And who cares if my credit isn't great?!?!?!? Kaleo says we will appreciate these things more since we have to work towards them. He says things don't just happen over night and that realistically you don't get handed everything you want- it's just not that easy. It's only a year and I won't even be living there the entire year. Kaleo says it's a small sacrifice to make and the end result is that our bank account will be vey solid by then.

Yes- he makes a lot of sense and YES the more I think about it the more of a brat I see that I am. How could I, after this lease is up, go get my own place by myself and waste thousands of dollars and still have my credit messed up? When in contrast, I could sacrifice a few months next year and be able to pay off a student loan, fix my credit, and build a savings with Kaleo so we could purchase our own home.

I would be very selfish to not see the great opportunity in this situation.

I had to change the way I was thinking about all of this. I had to. I needed to know that "to live like no one else, I will need to live like no one else" for just a few months. Kaleo is only asking for a limited time this way, he isn't asking for us to live like this forever. I have to adjust. This is a great opportunity I otherwise wouldn't have had. I will have NO BILLS to pay for 6 months! Just saving and fixing credit and becoming debt free. Yes, I will be living with Kaleo and two other roommates but I can get through it. I can see to the other side.

AND Kaleo is meeting me halfway, remember when I was SO over their messy ass house? He hired a maid! WAHOOOO!!!!!!

So now that I see the good in this situation I am thinking of all the benefits of living there and yes even with the freakin roommates. The house is wonderful I LOVE THAT HOUSE! It has so much potential it's just that Kaleo's sister and her dog have made it impossible to keep it up- but they are moving out OCTOBER 1ST!

I have a few projects at the house I will be working on in the months leading up to my move (I have 7 months until then- I know it's a ways away but still!). Upstairs there is this little nook area that right now is used for storage. It is the only space upstairs and I am going to be converting that entire space to be my closet/ office/ vanity area. You will get to hear all about it ;)

The more thinking I have done, I actually become excited about moving in, yes even with the roommates. This house is wonderful and since no one else will care, I will get to make it my own. Of course the roommates will have their own rooms and what they do with their rooms I could care less but as far as common spaces, they are mine! AND the best part, I won't have to worry about keeping this ginormouse house clean all by my lonesome- the maids will be there! THE MAIDS!!!! I LOVE MAIDS!!!!

On Some Inspiration From Pacing The Panic Room

2010-08-31T08:35:00.004-05:00

Ok so yesterday over at Pacing the Panic Room was a big day!!!! Ryan was able to release the Do Fun Stuff album on ITunes and a big amount of bloggers backed him up by posting about it. My post (seen below) didn't exactly work out right but I still tossed it up and was proud of it even though the edge was a missing ;)

"Do Fun Stuff" was everywhere! It was all over Twitter, my reader was full of posts containing the words "Do Fun Stuff"! Everywhere ya'll! You know Ryan is one of my favorite bloggers an he was one of the first that I ever started reading. Following his blog all this time and knowing how long he prepared, and worried, and worked so damn hard on this charity album made me SO proud yesterday when things went SO well. WOW MAN! You freakin did it! AND THEN, you want some icing on this bad ass cake you created? How about coming out NUMBER ONE on the Children's Music charts for I-Tunes??? How about that?!?!??!

Ryan and his wife Cole are such an inspiration. Really. Cole does her thing as a stylist and a very cool mom. Ryan creates beautiful photos, and then this album. Don't even get me started on how adorable the children are! Then they share their endeavors on the blog with us. Pacing the Panic Room is seriously one of my favorite places to go and draw a bit of inspiration. Ryan had an awesome idea with this charity album and then he made it happen. Was it easy? If you read his blog you know the answer is hell no, it wasn't easy. But he didn't give up. And look at how hard work and not giving up paid off in the end! NUMBER ONE ON I-TUNES!

Kaleo and I have some tough dreams that we are following. Sometimes the hard parts and difficult decisions make me think twice but when I see how Ryan and Cole overcome and push through particular situations it reminds me that we can do the same.

So thanks to Cole and Ryan for being so damn great and sharing their journey with us. I hope they raise A SHIT TON of money for SMS and that over time their efforts and outcomes will only grow in exponential sizes!!!!

DO FUN STUFF!!!!!

2010-08-30T09:34:00.000-05:00

Sorry, your browser does not support iframes.

Let's Be Positive!

2010-08-26T08:52:00.005-05:00

Ok yall. For realz I am going to STOP wallowing around in my sorrows and finally get up and do something about them! I think maybe I needed to complain long enough to make myself miserable and now I am done complaining and I am done hurling that negativity through your computer screen. On to more LOVE & LIGHT! (lol That crazy housewife in New Jersey Danielle, is nuts but I like to say Love & Light! It seems positive!)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let me tell you a little bit about what's going on in my life right now:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE BOOK I AM READING:

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it is super fantastic. I have to read slower than usual either bc I am slower than the average person OR it is true there is a lot of info to follow in this book. Tricky wording kind of but it makes a lot of sense. I like that the part about clock time and psychological time and how some people can get stuck in the past or in the future. I am very stuck in the future. I need to learn how to embrace NOW because NOW is all you truly ever have. If you are only working to get to the future where things will finally be better and wonderful you will never be happy with your NOW. NOW will always be a stepping stone to somewhere else and you lose the essence of NOW....um errr I should probably quote the book bc that just sounded like a shit ton of mumbo jumbo....

LIVING SITUATION W/ KALEO:

I had a breakdown on Tuesday. Kaleo and myself were on Gchat when he dropped the bomb that his sister was moving out and instead of it just being him and his brother living in the house they were going to get a NEW roommate and go ahead and stay for another year. It will take a whole other post to fully explain how this is to my advantage. Although, at that very second I believe it would be an understatement to say I was not pleased. I have calmed down considerably since then, and am actually looking forward to moving in with him either in March when my lease is up or possibly sooner, should Brit find a new roommate. This is good, this is positive and I am completely ok with how things are turning out, finally.

MY SIDE PROJECT:

I have decided to take 2 weeks away from my side project to reflect and think of ways to keep organized. It was becoming more of a burden than anything else and I would prefer to keep it interesting and fun. I have ideas but I need to think of precise ways to carry out my plans and make sure that they are successful. The next two weeks will be very beneficial and I will create a schedule to keep myself in order to stay productive. NOT GIVING UP! Just getting started ;)

I'M NOT GOING TO BE FAT ANYMORE (AGAIN):

That's right! I signed up for this thing called Warrior Dash, ever heard of it? It's only 3.2 miles but the second half of it is an obstacle course. I do not think I could go around the block right now without falling over, living on the 3rd floor is like climbing Everest daily right now so I think it is safe to say I need to get crackin'! This thing is not for girly lala's who think they can just float to the end! I'm going to have to get tough and I am SO ready! Hell yeah!

BRIT IS ON EHARMONY FOLKS:

Yep that's right! Remember when I did that? So I will be posting all about her endeavors bc it is never anything less than hella interesting! She just signed up and we went through her matches last night. We sent "questions" to some guys and we definitely got rid of others. I think I need to be her monitor to help guide her and make sure she keeps an open mind. I'm like an expert ya know. I was on EHarmony for like a whole 5 seconds yall.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO I'm back! I think I need to get back to blogging consistently bc you guys always listen and help a girl out! Writing is good for me.

I've missed you!

Beginning to Hate It

2010-08-20T11:36:00.006-05:00

The smallest situation happened this morning that at the moment enraged me and right now, I still can't let go of it and it happened over an hour ago. Not that the situation was such a big deal but it is the anger that still resonates that makes me realize how miserable I am here. That something so small could nearly bring me to tears.

She says,"I gave you this a while back and said to make a file, where is that file?" Um I don't remember you giving me anything, I don't remember a file. I remember you mentioning how it might be a good idea to start a file but you never gave me anything.

"NO. I told you to make it and gave you things to put in it. Look in your desk." I know that I never made a file for it and if I did it would not be in my desk because that's not where I keep those things.

"Look in your desk." Ok. I look in my desk, and like I said there is not a file, while she stands over me insisting it's there.

"Well I DID give them to you." You didn't but ok. I don't remember that ever happening and there is not a file soooo what to do?

She gives a long stupid sigh as if I have done something incredibly wrong. Gives me a look of how could you forget something so minor?

"Well NOW we have to start over!" She says all tight lipped and angry. "We won't need the info for a while, maybe even a few years but NOW we have to start all over!" She repeats. Well ok.....

A few years, until we might even need this trash that she wants me to keep in my desk. And then I wish I had proof of what actually originally happened- her never giving me anything, and only suggesting the idea.

I know this isn't a huge happening and doesn't even begin to describe my frustrations but it is something that is weighing me down. That these small moments ruin my day here bc so much is wrong with it.

I busily work on keeping a database updated and current when the CEO said just last fall that he wouldn't pay for further training with the program (I was never formally trained to use this particular software) and that we might just trash it anyway. It makes me feel like why am I working so hard to keep things so intact when it does not matter enough to evolve to something better? All of my hard work, might go in the trash anyway. But that's only part of what I do, there's a shit ton more.

Last week there was a yelling match in my office bc she forgot about a mistake she made. When the issue was brought back up she blamed it on me and a coworker because she conveniently "forgot" we had already addressed the situation.

It's breaking me down. God it's killing my spirit. I have no one to blame for all of this continuing to happen except for myself. I stay. I stay for the stability of that fucking paycheck bc of my bills and obligations. I look for other jobs with no luck, everyone is having a hard time finding work and I am constantly reminded that I should be thankful for having a job period. A job that is slowly killing me, a job that makes my body ache.

So many things are wonderful in my life right now, so many. Except this. I am fighting tears as I come to terms with it. I'm trying everything I can to get out of my lease so maybe I could find a different job making less just to get by in order to escape this serious bullshit. I've complained about it for over a year now.

Something has GOT to give already. This is too much.

Fighting Myself For What I Want

2010-07-29T15:01:00.002-05:00

Hey ya'll. I hate to come here and bitch but right now I have to vent some frustrations. Please feel free to skip this post if you are so over the complaining. It won't hurt my feelums.

I am at work right now. I am burried in paperwork and bullshit that needs to get done. I could care less. I don't wanna be here in this office. I feel motivated to do things but not the things that are on this desk in front me. I know, I know you've heard me say this ten hundred thousand times before but Lord have mercy I am sick of it. I feel like I am doing so much and at the same time just spinning my wheels. I took on some responsibility in helping Kaleo with booking and some event planning work. I feel very naggy and bossy asking a thousand questions and demanding instant answers. But I thrive doing these things because they are my passion. Working on the things for him, and the side project for me, is what I love. I take every bit of it seriously and I don't fuck around. I do it well but it could be better.

The only thing holding me back from making it as blantantly awesome as I would like it to be is me. It is me bc I'm not working hard enough to make money from the side project in order to quit this job. I don't know if I am somehow sabatoging myself bc of the stability my current "real job" offers but I'm getting pushed. And the pushing is coming from the mundane day to day. It is coming from the incredible unorganization of the large firm that I work for. It is the boringness of what this job truly is. It is the unhappiness I have with myself for letting me be less than I know I am worth.

Annoyed, frustrated. Wanting to be out of my million dollar lease.......ugh.

House Update and Stuff

2010-07-27T11:49:00.005-05:00

Hello everyone ;)

Well the living situation...let me give you an update.....

Kaleo's sister and her massive dog that eats everything are definitely getting their own place. That was a huge relief. Again, love her to death but man.

Now Kaleo and his bro are going to rent a place for a while. In the beginning I was not thrilled about this BUT after lots of thinking and freaking out I think it is best- FOR NOW. Not forever. And you bettah believe me when I say I made that clear! I love the bro to pieces but well you know the frustrations and if you don't you can read about them in the post just below this one.

BUT I figured, why do I care? My lease isn't up until April of next year. There is nothing I could really do about it. There is no reason for me to stress and freak out until next year. Kaleo thinks this gives us ample time to save more our house- that's 9 months to save some change and it will make a difference. It is logical. No it is not my ideal situation but it is what fits and what is after all best.

You will know all about it again in April/ March should things change but I am confident Kaleo and myself are on the same page now.

As far as other things go, things are good.

For those of you who have been reading for a long while Mr. Intellectual emailed me a few weeks ago. He said that he had been to a therapist and was working on himself. He said he was sorry and blah blah blah. He wanted to start over and for us to begin as friends. I told him no- again. He said if even just by email, and I said no. It sucks and maybe some of you might disagree but there is no reason for him and I to keep in touch. His chance passed him by. I made it clear that I was happy where I am in my current relationship and I wish him all the best in life. That is that. Leave me alone.

I knew that would happen. Too little too late. I don't think he will be contacting me again.

And then because it always seems to happen this way....

CGM happen to be riding his motorcycle into town and thought I should know. He sent that via text as if I might meet up with him. I felt like writing back,"I don't give a shit where you are riding to." But I didn't and just didn't respond.

It's hard to not think of them when they are actively trying to weave their way back into my mind with the messages they send. I would rather not think of either of them or how they hurt me. It makes me stronger in believing in my love with Kaleo. I haven't told him these guys are trying to come back into my life cause it's just that- their failed attempts. I am solid with Kaleo- no one is going to take that away from me. Especially not these two has beens.

I am happier than I have ever been and yes the living situation was stressing me out but it was never a problem of us being together. I know where my heart belongs.

Work is the same....unfortunately. I am still at the company that drains my soul. I am still working on the side project but not as diligently as I should, that should change soon. There are obstacles to get over when you are attempting to be your own brand and interest people about what's happening in the community around them. It had been going well and then basically I slacked off. I need to work a lot harder.

K asked me what I thought was holding me back from making this project as good as it should be. He said if we had a million dollars then we could launch the businesses that we want so badly. I told him no it's not the money that is holding me back bc in all honesty it isn't. People have turned nothingness into millions and I know I can do the same. Yes a million dollars would allow me to quit my job and focus more on these things but I know that a little more dedication and work will make the same impact as a ten thousand dollar marketing plan. I'm smart, he's smart- we have way too much talent and know how to need more money to put these dreams into action.

Things are happening folks.....

I plan on keeping you readers updated a lot more as well. This is my story, and you are all welcomed to take a seat and come a long for the ride.

Being A Molly Maid is for The Fucking Birds

2010-07-07T09:50:00.007-05:00

Well hello peeps! It has been a while to say the least! Things are going well over here in my lil space of the world. I've missed blogging like a normal blogger does. Things have been nutty busy with work and then the side project and then with Kaleo and us not living in the same city. The idea of living together has been one floating around for some time now and more recently the idea of buying a house has been entertained. We are going to the bank in a few days to talk about money and the boring part of buying a house.

I'm dying to have a garden and my own space and a place that is ours- alone. No roommates but each other. No more driving an hour and half each weekend. No more packing bags to tote far and wide. Living together is going to be happening- whether we rent or buy- it's happening. My lease isn't up until beginning of next year but Kaleo is moving this fall. Somewhere.

Right now, his brother and sister both live with him and they rent the large house they are in now. I love them both and think they are great but internets, they are filthy. I show up on the weekends and clean. I can't relax in a house that is turned upside down, I just can't. Please don't read this wrong, I am not super dooper tidy Molly Maid of America or anything but I keep things neat. I hate doing dishes and I hate laundry but I do it. At there house, no one does anything. It stresses me out. It's fucking horrible.

So I know that no one asks me to clean their house and it isn't expected that I do so but for my own peace of mind I do it. I do it so I don't have to look at an overflowing trashcan and mountains of dirty dishes. I do it because I don't want to feel like I am staying the weekend in a fraternity house. And I'm not saying Kaleo is the most tidy person either, he's a boy and he makes a mess but out of the three he is the most organized. He will help me, the others just leave it. It's disgusting and I am SO over joyed that Kaleo will soon be free from living with the two dirty non cleaning siblings.... at least that is until yesterday....

So yesterday we are online looking at houses in the area that we would like to move to and he mentions two things that nearly send me into immediate cardiac arrest:

1. That maybe we will live together, with them, for one more year in order to save more to put down on a home or....

2. Once we buy a house his brother and sister could move in if they needed to and their rent could be like bonus money toward the mortgage.

Now I totally understand being economical and maybe if we wait and save more that it would be beneficial but living a whole other year as a group does not appeal to me. I get mini panic attacks just thinking about it. I would be cleaning 24/7. No. And then for us to buy our own home and they come live with us? NO! I'm all for helping someone out if need be but can we start our own life already? Who is 30 years old with roommates? Much less your brother and sister? He cannot carry them any longer, they have to find a way for themselves.

This is putting me in such a weird position because I love both his brother and sister they are great people. I love that Kaleo is as close to his family as he is because that is so important to me too but there comes a time when you have to draw a line. And I don't want to be the bitchy girlfriend that's like ME or THEM! I would never want to do that. But this is driving me insane. I don't know what to do beside express that I DO NOT want to live as a group.

Yesterday I told him all of this and all he said was that these are all options. Nothing has been decided. And by this point I'm crying. You guys, I can't even get comfortable in that house until I've spent a good hour and half cleaning and washing things. I can't imagine my everyday being that way. You see how much less I even come to blog here, writing would be non existent if I had a huge house with 4 people living in it.

The only stipulation I can begin to think of is IF (and oh. my. gawd. only if) it were tremendously beneficial that we live as a group, we would HAVE to have a maid. If everyone agreed to pitch in for a maid then maybe I could do it.

? Maybe.

I mean what do you think? Have any of you been in a similar situation before? What would you do/ say of you were in my shoes?

Stay tuned. I feel a nervous break down coming on.

I've Got An Update Coming Soon

2010-06-01T14:01:00.003-05:00

Well hello everybody, how are you? I am freakin busy busy busy and am writing like a crazy person but just wanted you to know that I have mucho to say and update you on! Hang tight internetz!

On Finally Turning the Page

2010-05-12T15:43:00.004-05:00

So last week (maybe the week before) I had gone out with Brit and I ran into Mr. Intellectual's cousin. She is absolutely gorgeous but that's besides the point. She asked me about him and if we ever talked anymore and I gave her the gist of everything that went down. She said,"You know I haven't even seen him since Thanksgiving. He doesn't even talk to his brother anymore. He never calls us. I don't know what's up with him." Which is very weird because he has always been very close with his family. Granted he is out of the country but I would have imagined that he would keep regular contact with them.

Long story short I got all drunk and though I didn't act a fool I did regret what I did when I got home. I sent MI a message on Facebook.....AND I sent a text to CGM, but I'll get to that part in a sec.

I know I know I'm a drunk dumb girl but in the morning I wasn't embarrassed at the things I said, I guess I just wished I hadn't said anything at all. The email I sent to Mr. Intellectual went something like this:

"I hope that one day you figure yourself out. Underneath it all you truly are a beautiful man, I hope you are able to show that side to a deserving woman one day."

Very short and sweet.

He wrote me back a few days later and I didn't realize it until last night before I was going to sleep. He wrote:

"Wow what a nice message. That means a lot to me. I still think about you and wish things would have been different. You will always be special to me...and who knows what may happen in the future."

I mean he can give himself false hope for the future but this ship has sailed. You don't get to treat me like that and receive a second chance.

So I turn off the lights and am thinking to myself, closure. You know, I'm not even mad at him. Yeah I think he's stupid and totally effed up a good thing but I am so happy now. I wouldn't have met Kaleo if we hadn't have split the way we did. And I'm lying there thinking it's funny how things work out and how things fall into place the way they are supposed to.

As I am drifting off to sleep my phone beeps a loud alert meaning I just got a text message.

The night I got drunk the text I sent to CGM said,"As shitty as you've been I still hope you're doing ok" and that's it. In the morning erased his number so I would never text him again, there's no reason to.

So last night I reach over and grab my phone and it's a number I don't exactly recognize, the text says "hey".

me: new phone sorry who is this?

him: CGM

me: hi

him: how are you?

me: I'm good

him: good to now

And that's how he spelled it. Good to now? LOL

I couldn't help but laugh to myself and collectively feel overjoyed with where I am right now.

Break on Through to the Other Side

2010-05-04T17:24:00.005-05:00

So, you know all about that one project I had been working my ass off on? I still love it and I don't plan on giving up but SHIT if it's fucking hard as can be right now. I love to work on it but where is the time? Working my full time job gets in the way of a lot of research and contact making. I tell myself I have to push through and just hammer it out during this time right now. I can't let up the way I have in the past few weeks. I have to stay on top of it and consistent.

It's not easy- if it were easy everyone would be successful.

But all of that is really hard to do when you're trying to put your heart into the 'real job' that pays your bills in order to not jump out of a window.

I've been working so hard lately at my 'real' job that I don't have time to break in between and work on the site. When I get home in the evenings I'm dying tired, sometimes falling asleep before the sun goes down. What am I, 80?

Then the weekend comes and since I rarely get to see Kaleo any other time, I dedicate my undivided attention there. And I relax and I fill up myself with energy and goodness to turn around and do it again the next week.

And when I'm charged up, I'm motivated.

But after a long fucking Monday, I'm not. It's like an internal battle. I know I have to push through but I need to sleep !early! to make it the next day....but there's so much to get done....

I can hear Diddy in my head saying, "When you sleep other people are getting ahead!" I can hear Kelly Cutrone telling me, "Sacrifice! The weak and ordinary don't make it!" And then there's Dave Ramsey saying,"In order to live like no one else, you have to live like no one else." And Dennis Prager is screaming in the background,"Things that are deep and worth it are very rarely easily acquired!"

I feel inspired but I also feel tired.

Is it like I'm psyching myself out? I got a freakin fortune cookie yesterday that said,"Procrastination is the fear of success." I don't want that! I know I'm capable, it's too freaking fitting for me to just let it go, and wait on things.

The other day I was driving in my car and I was like viola! Look at me! A few years ago I decided I wasn't going back to school for a while. I decided I would find a job that afforded me to live in the city on my own. I decided I would have my own apartment and be independent.

And then....I just did it.

Driving along I was all like,"See Self! You've done it before! And you have it in you to do it again!" All I have to do is make my mind up. Get to it! Stop procrastinating and crying about how tired I am at the end of the day. You can't be tired right now. It's not a choice. If you want to be successful you have to keep going especially when you reach the point where most others would give up.

Especially when you reach the point where most others would give up.

In One Year....

2010-04-20T13:22:00.003-05:00

Finally, I have a plan. I know I know you can't plan for everything but I kind of have a bit of a guide I would like to follow....

(By the way how are you guys? I've missed you. You look good! Have you lost weight?)

Next year, I plan to have some money saved. I plan to be able to quit this job that kills my soul. I will be able to pursue even further the things that I love because I will have made the time and money in order to do so. I'm excited and I simply cannot wait to get there.

And another thing that will be occuring in one year....(and I know a lot can happen in a year but...) as soon as this lease is up and I am done with this job, I will be moving in with Kaleo. That, my friends, is a big deal. Even if it is a year away....

I have always been the type that gets caught up in wanting everything to happen now. Why can't we have it all now? I suppose there is a reason, like they say. Everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah. But NOW! I feel like I'm falling behind in this entire year of waiting! Think of how old I will be by the time I finally get married? And how many years after that until we have a child? Am I going to end up the mother that people mistake for the grandmother at the PTO? I'm like all up. In. Arms. ohmygawd! Old! Panic!

I know that with all of my being Kaleo and I will be together. He is it through and through. He's it so much it makes me cry sometimes to think of how lucky I am to have found him so early in life. Some people wait a lifetime.

My deal, this past week is not wanting to wait on things..... it was that I want to be engaged! I want to have a baby! I'm ready to live together! I am crazy in love with him and why not have it all now! Maybe my hormones were just a lil out of wack (which is another story that is quite funny although not at the time)....but I cried. A lot. I told Kaleo I needed all of this stuff and the sooner the better!

What.... A. Psycho.

Somehow, and I wonder why, he never runs out of my apartment just in any direction to get away from this crazy girl, me. But he doesn't. He stays (maybe he's the crazy one?) and even when I freak him out talking about marriage and babies, he brings me back down to earth assuring me we will have everything we want and more one day. "Our time will come," he says. And my rational mind knows he's right.

I just get discouraged with all the waiting....NOT TO MENTION- I am still not over the fact that this has become me. I know I say it all the time but I have never been that girl so concerned with the ring and the wedding and the baby etc etc. Where is it coming from?

Either way, I am excited to know what April of 2011 will be like. I wonder if I will have met my own expectations....business wise, and getting away from this job and on to building the dreams I want, professionally and personally.

All that is just what's been floating in my head lately.....

And Now For The Weekly Wine! And not the good kind....

2010-03-29T10:15:00.004-05:00

Could I BE any more tired? Seriously. Mondays suck. I know I know I know I shouldn't hate them as much as I do and if you spend every Monday of your life hating it, it comes out to this ungodly amount of time you spent of your life being all pissy about Mondays.

BUT I'M TIRED!

And I feel like Monday is worth complaining about, at least today....and for no particular reason other than I had to come to work. Bleh on business professional, and waking up before the sun does. When I'm running the show, nothing will happen before noon on Mondays that can't be done in pajamas.

That's the kind of change I'd like to see come!

Now I am working on making nothing into something and you get to hear about it every little step of the way folks. I'm working on my website that is set to launch next Monday! Say wha???? This week is making sure everything looks good and professional and writing press releases and coordinating the list of media, businesses, and etc of who needs it. Planning and reading and trying to make money out of no money is fun- and can be frustrating as well lol. Also, I will be helping Kaleo and his band in organizing their upcoming tour...all the while working my boring ass job where I am trapped in the movie Office Space. If you've ever needed motivation to do your own thing, to really find out what you love and make a living out of it, you could come work here. To me the options are one: die here in this abnormally cold and bland office or two: do the things I love and get paid to do them.

I'm shooting for the latter.

There's a lot going on folks.

But uh, yeah, first things first: Monday sucks.

I'm Not in Jail ;) Everybody Celebrate!

2010-03-24T08:03:00.004-05:00

Sooo see what had happened was... ok like a million years ago apparently I was downtown. And there are a lot of one way streets in downtown. At that time I was still getting used to be in the city and I happened to turn down a one way the wrong way, simple honest mistake. I got pulled over like .2 seconds later and got a ticket. I'm pretty sure I've mentioned how much I've moved? Like once a year ever since I was 18 right? College dorms, sorority house, apartments, a house on the water with my sister, I've lived everywhere. And when you live everywhere you don't always get your mail. No excuse but I was young and irresponsible and that's that.

Fast forward to yesterday.......

(I think it's important to mention here that a few months ago I did in fact recieve the info at my parents house that in 2004 I got a ticket and a warrant would be issued for my arrest if I didn't pay a milliion dollars. I was going to take care of it, I swear....but I'm trying to save money to go to New Orleans....I was getting around to paying that warrant, I really was.....)

I just got off of work, I'm on the phone with Kaleo telling him how I'm on my way to the grocery store when I see an emergency vehicle behind me. SO I'm honking at the guy in front of me like come on man! There's an emergency! We've got to let this guy get by! And then, it's not an emergency- I'm being pulled over for going straight when I was supposed to turn or something like that. SO, I tell Kaleo,"I'm being pulled over, if I don't call you back in 20 minutes I went to jail."

Blah blah blah, he's going to give me a ticket until he runs my driver's license and then another police officer pulls up and they ask me to step out of the car.

I know you guys must think I'm so thug life or something, especially after I'm giving you all of my criminal history but I swear I never stole a car, or broke into anyone's house or anything. I just have traffic violations, and I would much rather go to New Orleans than pay the fines. Who doesn't want to drunkenly sing karaoke at Cat's Meow on Bourbon Street? Is that so criminal?

So I step out of the car and the officer says,"Miss Courtlynn are you aware that you have warrants out for your arrest?"

I play crazy and I'm all like,"Nooooo!!!!!! What ever could you be speaking of officer?"

Long story short I'm arrested.

When I get passed off to another cop car, we are standing in the parking lot. I suppose they are expecting me to cry and I have no idea why I wasn't more nervous and scared. They asked if I knew someone who could bring me money right now. "Well what are the options? I mean what if I go to jail? How long will I have to be there? I just want to make sure I'm making an informed decision." In my head I was thinking SLEEP! I will get to sleep in jail! Right? Don't people get to sleep and read in jail?

One officer said,"Miss Courtlynn, I don't think you want to go to the county jail. I suggest you try to call someone to pay the money. You need to hurry up, I'm not waiting all day."

The officer decided that he will just keep me handcuffed in his office as long as I can get someone down there asap to pay a bail bondsman.

On the way to the police station the cop was driving like a bat out of hell, and I don't know if you guys have ever been in the back of a cop car but there are like bars and stuff on the windows. I was getting so motion sick! When we finally stopped, I said,"Ineedyoutoletmeoutofthecar! I get motion sickness and you were driving all Duke's of Hazzard like and your police car is very nice and clean and I'm going to vomit in here if you don't let me out. This is for real!!!!!!!"

Handcuffed he let me out of the car. How will I puke with my hands behind my back!?!?!? What if it gets in my hair?!?!?! So he took the handcuffs off for me and just being out of the car I immediately began to feel better.

I put my arms out to be handcuffed again and said," I feel better now officer, I can sit down now. Thanks! ;)"

Shaking his head,"Miss Courtlynn, you are something else."

He was THE nicest police officer I have ever met in my life! He left me in this office, handcuffed to a table AND he let me keep my phone and that's when I wrote that one post. I hung out for like 2 hours and then Kaleo showed up.

Kaleo to the rescue.

I suppose that's kind of embarrassing right? My boyfriend had to come bail out his lil ole criminal girlfriend from the slammer.....I don't even know why I tell you guys so much.

On the bright side, at least I don't have warrants anymore!

i swear im writing this from jail

2010-03-23T19:14:00.002-05:00

And I knew I should have paid that freakin warrant! Of course I write that one post about that one time I almost went to jail and surprise.... here I am. Actually I'm not in full blown jail....the deputy has given me a break. Kaleo is on his way to the bail bondsman while I sit in the deputy's office handcuffed to a table. Not one of my classier moments y'all. But if he didn't so graciously do this I would have to go to county jail in downtown Houston where someone would ultimately force me to join a gang and get a tattoo of a tear on my face. I'm in this office all by my lonesome and he even let me use my phone! I will hug him when I leave. But sitting here handcuffed to this table really tends to make me question what the hell am I doing with my life!?!?! Lol its kind of silly I am SO THANKFUL to vlord baby haysoos that on not going to the freaking county jail! I just said, just yesterday, how good things have been going lately AND I even knocked on wood! Word to the wise: THAT SHIT DON'T WORK! write me letters internets, I miss ya!

My BED! I Have A Bed!

2010-03-16T16:11:00.004-05:00

WE moved. Amen hallelujah! I now have my bed back! My desk back! My nightstand! Bags! Purses! More shoes! And let me tell you something folks, sleeping in your bed after you haven't slept in your own bed in 6 months feels AMAZING TIMES 4393987.

Seriously. That is NOT an exaggeration.

Kaleo helped Brit and I move in and I suppose he began to feel all manly and whatnot- I saw him getting the mattress out and ready for the move upstairs. He was bent over positioning the ginormous thing when he said,"Court, just push the bottom of this mattress so I can get some momentum and get it on my back."

"Taha, oookay..."

I thought he was kidding.

He wasn't.

We had other friends there helping, so I suggested he wait until one of the other guys came down and they could carry it together. A mattress is so awkward and weird to carry, you just really need two people for it.

"Court, just do it, all I need is for you to hoist it up once and I've got it."

During this whole exchange I see a lady walking by to throw her trash out. I know she hears this entire conversation and she must be thinking in her head, something awesome is about to happen.

Soooo, I just do what he tells me and I push the thing up over his head. Apparently I pushed too hard because it went over his head- THE ENTIRE MATTRESS. It looked like we were practicing for Cirque de Soleil in the parking lot.

WE ALMOST HIT THE WOMAN WITH THE FREAKIN MATTRESS!

Thank God she laughed just about as hard as I did. She introduced herself and said she would be my neighbor that lives right below me.

"Please be good to me! I hope you don't have any kids!"

If you've ever had a neighbor that lived above you, you can hear when they drop things, if they walk hard, when they fall, etc. And if they have kids you hear lots of little footsteps running and jumping all the time. I assured her I didn't and that we would keep the noise down as best we could. I was feeling all Chatty Kathy and look at me making a new friend! And I told her to come on up if she needed to borrow sugar or an egg or something! What a nice lady!

In the words of my grandfather, "I'll be damned", if ever since Friday all I've been doing is dropping things and slamming boxes on the ground. Totally on accident! But you see what happened with Kaleo and the mattress, can you imagine all the other genious things we have managed?

I feel like it is a matter of time before that nice woman comes upstairs and slaps me in the face as soon as I open the door. As far as she knows my boyfriend and I are trying to kill her with my mattress and me and Brit are hellbent on falling through her ceiling.

There goes the neighborhood.....

Then There Was This One Time.....

2010-03-11T09:46:00.004-06:00

Did I ever tell you guys about that one time I got pulled over? Well.....what had happened was.....

I was out with some friends in my hometown. My itty bitty hometown. We had gone to dinner had a few margaritas, I was by no means drunk. I was tipsey-ish but not drunk. Let's get this all clear right now, I DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT condone drinking and driving. Don't do it. It is just about the stupidest thing you can possibly do ever.

On my way home back to my parents house, which is litterally less than a mile from the restaurant, I got pulled over for not making a complete stop at a stop sign. I do not condone running stop signs either and I didn' run it, but this is Smalltown, USA and they don't really care. So dude pulls me over and I recognize him from highschool.

Me: "Hey! How are ya! It's been forever!"

Cop: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

(Seriously, he totally ignored the fact that I remember him from highschool, RUDE!)

Me: (Internally thinking: You rude little jerkface nerd!) Um. No actually I have no clue why you pulled me over because I'm following all the rules.

Cop: You didn't make a complete stop at the stop sign. What are you doing out so late tonight? Have you been drinking?

(Now I was always taught to never lie to the cops because they figure you out one way or another. I was clearly not biligerent so I said....)

Me: I am in town visiting my parents. I met some friends at the restaurant down the street. Yes I've had a few drinks.

Cop: Miss Courtlynn, I'm going to need you to step out of the car.

Me: Seriously?

Cop: YES.

Me: ooookkkkay!

At that time another police officer pulls up and positions the car to where the lights are brightly shining in my face- so bright I can hardly see.

Cop1: Miss Courtlynn, I am going to need you to perform a sobriety test.

Me: HAHA! WHAT?!?! You have got..... to. be. joking. Have you seen my shoes?

Cop2: Miss Courtlynn, you can do that or we can take you to jail. Make a decision.

Me: Well alright. Let's do this!

I had on brand new heels. I just bought them the day before. I wasn't used to them but at this point was I going to ask if I could take them off? Uh no.

So I did what they told me to do. In the middle of the convention center parking lot with thier huge spotlights on me, I walked a perfect line- IN MY HEELS! I touched my nose, and turned around, and touched the ground and holy shit! I basically did the motherfucking electric slide by the time they were done yelling commands at me as if it were choreography at Julliard!

I did it all perfectly. I was the Olympic gymnast of field sobriety tests! I couldn't believe they were making me do this! It seemed to last forever, like they wanted me to mess up. They were so stern and loud with their commands, what was I a fucking criminal for having fajitas and two pineapple margaritas?

THEN they decided to add the alphbet to my movements. SUCKERS! I got an A+.

THEN Cop1, with a smirk on his face, said, "Now say them backwards."

Well heh heh heh....

Most people can't do this when they're sober so I assume that's where they get em! I, on the other hand, CAN say them backwards, and I freakin did....

"ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA"

Cop2: That wasn't....?

Cop1: Say them again!

"ZYXWVUTSRQPONMLKJIHGFEDCBA"

Cop1: Miss Courtlynn get someone up here to drive you home in five minutes or we will take you home and tow your carrrrr!!!!!!!

Seriously, dude did NOT need to scream that but ok.....

YEAH! That's what I thought!

Fucking rude bitches. I called an old boyfriend that lived ON THE SAME BLOCK, he was there in two minutes. He dropped me off at my parents house.

In the morning I had to explain this to my parents why I was there but my car wasn't. I explained to my dad how I was the Dominique Moceanu of line walking. I reenacted it with a moonwalk walk and everything ;)

LOL

Dear Self, Stop Being A Scared Little Bitch

2010-03-10T09:08:00.004-06:00

I have to share something with you guys. Over the past two weeks I have needed to pull inspiration out of my freakin beehind to muster up the courage to keep on going with this project. The deeper into it I get the more afraid of all of these unknown things I become! It's really annoying. I know I know I know I have already mentioned Kelly Cutrone's book but seriously the chapter called Worrier to Warrior is seriously what is getting me through right now. Just like she would get these negative feelings inside of her I do too. I worry like a mofo, no joke. I worry that I won't be taken seriously or that I'm getting in over my head, are my contracts correct, should things look differently, am I covering too much? AND FUCKING A MILLION OTHER THINGS THAT DON'T EVEN MATTER.

I cannot worry about what might be if I crash and burn. I am way too busy for that anyway..... I have to keep going and pushing on and I swear to sweet baby jeezus this is the last post I am going to write about being afraid of this awesome thing. It is what I want. It is what I think about and get overwhelmingly excited about. It is right. It is what I should be doing right now. This is one of my favorite quotes of the book. This is Kelly speaking of New York City,

"...I felt electric, vibrant, and alive. I sensed a purpose and vitality in people's lives, not only because of how they looked and how they dressed, but by the way they walked and where they were going and how they were getting there. They were doing real things; they weren't just circling the town in their station wagons, slowly growing older. Here the game was on and if anyone didn't like it they could just fuck off...."

Now, I'm not moving to NYC or anything, BUT I want to be one of those vibrant and alive people with a big purpose and doing real things! Seriously yall. I don't want to be circling the town in a station wagon slowly getting older. It grosses me out. So I suppose I have to come here and write myself a little pep talk and get it all out. Thank you for listening.

AND in other news.............

It's Wednesday!!!! I MOVE THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!! For real this time lol. Anyone wanna help move? Jules? Dingo? Liz? Where ya at????

Oh A Zillion Little Thoughts About the Future

2010-03-03T15:17:00.003-06:00

Hey internets! How are ya? I am working working working hard and let me tell you, it feels good. I am working on some stuff that I can hopefully develop over time and it will be an amazing thing. I am working on a public blog. Dun dun dun! Am I supposed to tell you that since I'm all anonymous and stuff?

I don't know but oh well there it is, I am. That's my big deal.

I am vulnerable. I am clueless. I am super crazy challenged. I have felt like a doofus more than ever lately. Thanks to LiLu and Liz for the help and guidance thus far!

This is a project I WILL NOT give up on. I am working hard on creating a brand and developing a voice for myself. I am intimidated, I have the fear, I am worried no one will take me seriously. But part of me is like eff that! We're going to keep on pounding the pavement until it's successful. Um, everyone should read that new book by Kelly Cutrone because she is one inspiring biotch. I already had my mind made up but upon reading this book last week, it just further backed me up. I'm ready! (kind of)

If anyone has any advice or good vibes to send at all I'm taking it! I have been working on this for about a year now and am finally doing something about it! I never thought I would be so afraid....BUT I'm pullin up my big girl panties and I'm going to make it happen. There's a business plan and a zillion email drafts and a bunch of notebooks full of ideas that will begin to take shape very soon. You guys, of all people, you know I can't live my life in this corporate world much longer. My soul is dying here and I'm not going to let it happen! There is SO much to learn and research and to know, I had no idea how much work it would be, but I know it's right ;)

More later folks. Thanks for reading!

Do That Dance You Do When You Know It's Almost The Weekend...

2010-02-25T15:19:00.004-06:00

(Isn't he a hottie?)

Well hello lovelies! How are you???? The week has been busy busy busy but let me tell ya, things are going well ;)

I'm working crazy hard on a side project and lord have mercy would you look at that? It is already Thursday! Can you even believe it?!? I am so ready to relax this weekend! Friday I want to do a whole lotta nothing and Saturday, did I tell you Tegan + Sara- YES- TEGAN+SARA are going to be in Houston on Saturday?!!?!?!??!?! Guess who will be there?

SO damn excited about it! I will be there. Singing my heart out at the top of my lungs. I apologize right now to the person who sits in front of me. Yes I am that girl. I will be a big huge dork faced fan on Saturday night.

I've been on the other side ya know? I've had one of those awesome backstage passes more times than I can remember and the 'rockstars' everyone is cheering at the top of their lungs for are my freinds. MY FRIENDS who get drunk and light their farts on fire in my living room. Being 'on the inside' is really weird. I would look out into the crowd from behind the stage and see people crying while they sing and desperately trying to get the attention of the people onstage. It always made me kind of laugh to myself, like holy shit, these people are nuts!

But Saturday night. Their 'people on the inside' will think I am nuts. I won't cry or naything like that but I will be a super cheesy fan. And I don't even care! I'm ready to rock! (or rock as hard as one can to the sweet melodies of Tegan+Sara ;) I'm going to look like the guy at the top of this post!

OH AND BY THE WAY!!!!!!! Why don't you get your hott little ass over to Liz's blog please. While you're there why don't you scroll down just a little and look to the right sidebar. Oh! Who is that you see?

THAT'S RIGHT! I have a banner on It's Unbeweavable! It's like being on a building in Time Square! I'll be here to sign autographs for the rest of the week.....and after that and after that.....what? Don't you want my autograph?

Monday, Let's Try To Be Friends....

2010-02-22T10:17:00.004-06:00

Yall. I'm trying really hard to stay awake today. As you may know, Monday's suck. BUT you must scoot on over to Susannah's blog Petunia Face bc she really puts into percpective how many days of your life will be spent hating Monday. It's a lot of days I don't want to waste complaining about my vampire like complexion and how much this office is murdering my soul.

SO......

I'm trying really hard to not hate it.

I'm trying really hard to stay awake.

I'm trying really hard to make it to lunch time so I can take a nap in my freakin car.

Happy Monday everybody! Rainbows and butterflies!!!!!

Dear Everyone In My Office....

2010-02-18T16:53:00.003-06:00

You all suck.

Please stop asking me stupid questions and hanging around my office to talk about your cats or your 16 year old kids you still call babies. Let's be honest, I don't care. I apologize for being nice and entertaining your ohmygawd ridiculous conversations that make me want to throw myself on the floor and scream why?!?!? If you can run this stiff, hard to breath large corporation then I am pretty sure I can run the entire fucking Western hemisphere while watching Maury and burping the alphabet in Dr. Pepper type of flavors. I just don't get it. I don't get it. It frustrates me to the high Heavens. It makes me want to break down and cry here at my freezing cold arctic temperatured desk. No. Not for you but for me and my poor withering soul in this blah colored, florescent lighted, copy machine jammed laden hell. I want to stand on top of the receptionists desk and scream into her loud speaker "do any of you have a fucking life? Because I think you were all sent here to destroy me!"

I may not be the coolest person on this planet but you people are the core of nerdom. Not cool nerd. Not fun nerd. Not endearing nerd. Stupid, attitude having, annoying, rude nerd. You are the worst kind of nerd ever. And I don't even like it. Not even a little bit. My nerves are freakin out.

And somebody's about to get temple checked! Consider yourselves warned.

Sincerely,

And Oh So Not Even Playing Around,

Court

(Internetz do you work in a place with a bunch of jackasses too? WTF?)

On Being An Independent Woman

2010-02-16T08:38:00.008-06:00

Over at The Rest is Still Unwritten David wrote a post that has my brain churning. He is talking about how attractive an independent woman is. I absolutely agree. In my opinion, I believe independent women are far more attractive than anyone who is needy. We can flip flop that and go ahead and say an independent man is more attractive than a dependent man. Girlfriends and boyfriends alike, there is nothing sexy about anyone who is dependent.

Forget relationships for a sec, even just friends who are not independent are less appealing.

Independence is attractive and most definitely sexy. Anyone who can do things completely on their own shows strength, diligence, and commitment. While dependent seems to represent lazy, needy, and insecure.

I think success not only feels good but gives you many options in life. I have always preferred to be independent and to be able to take care of myself than to have to need someone.

I consider myself to be very independent and have been for quite some time. I pay my own bills, have a successful job, have a car, do what I want. I happen to have a boyfriend now and when we go out we trade off with the paying aspect of dates and other expenditures that come from being in a relationship.

Independent can be a lot of things. You can be financially independent, emotionally independent, etc. I have always been pretty independent in general. Perhaps when I first went off to college I was dependent on my parents for money but not long after that I had to get things together on my own. More so, I have never been easily influenced by others, peer pressure doesn't get the best of me. I am very sure of how I feel. Though I am open minded, I am not a go with the trends type of a person. I am my own individual. My boyfriends or surroundings have never made me a chameleon.

Established, I am an independent woman. But.........

At the same time, can I still be 'independent' if a long term goal of mine is to take care of a husband and raise a family?

Am I less intelligent and strong willed because I to want to be a stay at home mom?

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to watch Sesame Street while ironing collard button ups all day. I don't want to be a live in maid/ nanny/ sex kitten. I don't want to just be an extension of my future husband. I always want to have my own thing, maybe work from home, maybe own a boutique- but something that will allow me to still have my number one job, being a wife and a mother.

But what if I don't own a boutique? What if being a mother and wife are all I want to do and that's what ends up making me over the moon happy? Am I less appealing/ attractive/ sexy because I will be dependent on my husband to pay the electricity bill and mortgage?

Personally, I don't think that's the case at all. I strongly believe I will always be my own person and very independent despite who pays for the cable and internet in my household. And if this is the case, do you readers consider stay at home moms independent women?

Please leave a comment and leave your opinion and be honest. I'm just curious to know what you all think.....

Going Through A Drive Thru in the Rain- Just Don't.

2010-02-12T10:47:00.003-06:00

So yesterday it was raining. Over my lunch break I was asked to bring a box of supplies to my boss who was on location. Suuuurrrrreeeee I'll do it. Over my lunch break. Becasue that sounds like a big ole bag of crazy fun.

So, I grabbed the box of stuff and headed out to my car. It was pouring down rain and I didn't have an umbrella (ella ella). I dropped my brand new girl scout cookies a freakin puddle of water.

So I'm driving and I decide I will go through the drive through before I run the errand, after all it is my lunch hour. I get in line and wait and wait and finally make it up to the speaker. It is pouring down rain and I have to roll down the window to order. So through a little crack at the top of the door I put my face to it and say as fast as I can

Me: "I'dliketoorderthechickenstripdinnerplease." and roll up the window to shield myself from the rain.

Speaker Lady: "Could you repeat that ma'am?"

Me: "I'dliketoordertheCHICKENSTRIPDINNER PLAYSE!"

Rain is hitting me in the face.

Speaker Lady: "Sorry ma'am we don't have chicken strips today."

(inside my head,"How in the hell do you not have chicken strips?!!?!?!?!? You are the chicken place. 'Chicken' is in your name!!!!) But I roll the window down, rain pouring in more and I say.....

Me: "Ok well I'll take the other thing." And roll the window back up again, the rain is still getting in every time.

Speaker Lady: "And how would you like that?"

(inside my head: I want it the normal way!!!! Rain is soaking my hair! I am beginning to look like I just got out of the shower! Stop asking me questions and just take my order!!!!!!!) But I really say through the small sliver in my open window where the tsunami is pouring in......

Me: Normal. I want it normal. Thanks.

Speaker Lady: (all calm and cool and slow southern talking since she's in the dry comfort of inside) Annnnnd what would you like to drink?

To save time, and since I'm already wet, I just roll down the window at this point stick my head out and yell "Dr. Pepper!" and then roll the window up really quick.

Speaker Lady: "I'm sorry ma'am. We don't have Dr. Pepper. What would be your second choice?"

Ok, look by this point, my hair is wet, the entire INSIDE of the door is wet, my shirt is getting wet. I beginning to think I am on a hidden camera show.

I took a deep breath, rolled the window down again and said really quickly, "Mr. Pibb!" and rolled the window back up again.

I SHIT YOU NOT she says.....

Speaker Lady: "I'm sorry ma'am, we don't have that either. What would be your third choice?"

Could this possibly take any longer?

OH MY GAWD LADY!?!??!?!!? WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN THERE!?!?!?!?!?!?!? You have got to be kiddingme!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My time is running out and I still have to run this errand, I look like I have just been thrown into a pool, can you take my damn order already and let me be on my freakin way! For crying out loud! Lord have mercy on my soul can I get my fried chicken and go on with my life? PUHLEEEEESE!

Shit.

But I really say.......

Me: Water! I'll have water. Maybe once you give it to me I'll just throw it in my face to keep up what's already happening.

Speaker Lady: "What? Ma'am? Water? Did you want water?"

Me: "Yes. Thank you."

What feels like a year later I finally get my food and proceed in my soaking wet attire to deliver the supplies to my boss. I get out of the car, basically dripping, box in hand to give her the things.

My boss: "Did you swim here?"

Yes. Everyone is dumb.

It's For Real

2010-02-11T09:58:00.004-06:00

Ok sooooo Kaleo played a show last night, up here close to where I live and of course I went and then he stayed with me but first I got a lil tipsy.

I'm not saying I was drunk bc I wasn't but I was most definitely emotional on the way home. We were going to go eat after the show and instead we stayed in the car, parked on the side of the street behind the restaurant bc we both had so much to say.

I cried. We both talked about how in love we are and where we want to go from here. The tipsy part of me said a lot of stuff. The tipsy part of me said that I want to buy a house, and I want to get married, and I want to have babies, and I want us -together- to be happy and live the ever after. I said that I would love to take care of him and be a mom and help work toward our goals- we have many business ventures that we hope to pursue at least two of them in the next two years.

He said he had no idea that these are the things I wanted and he wants them too. He said the most amazing things to me. He said that he can't believe someone like me is so in love with him, that I would want to be with him for the rest of my life and give birth to his children. He said that to have someone so intelligent and fucking cool as his child's mother is more than he could ever have imagined. He said that he finally feels like he found someone who gets him. We have a weird understanding of each other even when we don't say anything. So much can be expressed through a look from across a room.

Yall. I fucking found it. Write it down. I will marry Kaleo one day. I'm not sure when but I am crazy, deeply, madly in love with this man.

I am so surprised that I was so honest. I am so surprised he still doesn't think I'm crazy.

You know yesterday I was on the phone with Lainey and she asked me,"So how does it feel to be in a relationship?"

And you know, I hadn't thought about it because I really don't feel too different. Well besides the feeling of my head in the clouds and the recognition of how damn awesome Kaleo is, it's just easy. I told her stupid things are not issues. He is not jealous. I always want him there. With Mr. Intellectual, I never wanted him there because he always made an argument out of something. Kaleo is just easy. We compromise. He believes in me. He thinks all of my ideas are the best and he takes me seriously, even when I talk about owning a taco truck. LOL He doesn't laugh! He helps me think of ideas!

No we are not perfect. Sometimes we don't agree. For example, I wore a mask the entire time we were at Mardi Gras. He was not a fan of the mask.

K: Are you seriously going to wear that all day?

Me: YEP! So you better get used to it. I'm wearing this fucking fabulous mask aaaallllllll weekend.

K: Alright.

No there was no knock down drag out people but we have had our moments. Remember the Target Debacle?

I just can't say it enough. I'm sure you're all over hearing about it but I am fucking happy and I have never been this happy in all my life!

Even Mister Intellectual sent me a Fbook message last week. He said,"I was listening to this band and it made me think of you....something I haven't done in a while." And blah blah blah there was more but I LAUGHED a lot out loud and then I deleted it. "Something I haven't done in a while" you are a dumbass.

I've got something better.

Ah Shit. He's Afraid of the Ocean.

2010-02-08T09:46:00.004-06:00

Well remember how I was talking about all inclusive resorts? Kaleo is totally down with it as long as he doesn't have to get into the water. Pool is cool. But the beach freaks him out.

WHAT?!?!?!?! See I don't know if this is going to work out after all.....(totally just joking!).

Dude is scared of the ocean. Lol! I know it's not funny but he's a big ole tough guy, he's not supposed to be afraid of anything...but he's afraid of fish and what could be lurking beneath the ocean's waves. How in the hell is he going to surf with me??? He's not. He says he will wait for me on the shore...where it's safe ;) God I love him.

He decided to face his fears and see Sharks in 3D. He said he felt like a fool while there were small kids around him saying,"Wow cool!" and he was breaking a sweat, ha. He had to take off his 3D glasses and give himself a minute. I know I shouldn't laugh but I think it's so funny. I suppose it's kind of cute too.

Oh the summer will be interesting to say the least.....

Happy Birthday Tangles Out!!!!

2010-02-04T17:21:00.004-06:00

Well January 27th would have made Tangles Out one year old ;) YAY! That was last Thursday but I am celebrating today. One wacky ride with all of you people. I honestly don't know what I would have done at some of these times over the past year if I didn't have this silly little blog to vent it all out to. I've said it before but I'll freakin say it again, Thank you for listening and still swinging by here to listen to whatever the hell is up (and sometimes down) over here at Tangles Out.

I have a few questions, kind of an interview if you will, to be featured on Jen's blog on a soon upcoming Saturday. I think this is the perfect reflective thing to do in order to celebrate one year of Court's little space on the internet.

I wish I were all drunk and saying I luff you peeeepoool!!!!! But instead I'm sober at work. Maybe I'll cheers you guys later!

MUCHO AMOR readers! seriously though, mucho amor.

Court ;)

Vacation Dreams & Dieting Nightmares

2010-02-02T11:53:00.005-06:00

Hey blogosphere! Well it is freezing balls here in Texas and I am dying to get to a warm beach with a pina colada in my hand! I want to get to a resort and do NOTHING.

Yes. Nothing!

My ideal vacastion consists of sleeping, eating, laying out/ getting a tan, drinking more, maybe swimming, hang out with Kaleo, reading on the beach and by the pool. A whole lot of laying around with a drink in hand.

I have never been on an all inclusive trip before and I think it would be a wonderful thing. A good friend of mine went to a place like this for her honeymoon and she said it was awesome. All the drinks and food you want and you never have to bother with the money part....well while you're there. This sounds like my cup o tea.

SO I have been looking at places. I would prefer to go sometime soon so the whole getting a passport thing is out the window for now. I just want to get anywhere in America. California you're awesome! Florida I'll take it!

Any suggestions?

In the mean time I will be eating lettuce and 3oz of chicken and running around the block a few hundred times. Can you even believe I got up at 6AM and ran this morning?!?!?! What? I know you must now be worried about my mental stability. It's cool cause I think I'm crazy too.

BUT I was looking at pictures from December to now and Lord have mercy on my fat! Since that trip to New York it's been seriously all down hill!!!! FLABULOSITY is what's happening and let me tell you folks, it's not pretty. Now is the time to start getting right or I will be the chunky monkey at the beach. Yeah, that's right, I'll still be there I'll just be hiding my beer belly behind a cover up. Who wants to wear a cover up? Not me! I want to be free!

OH the pain! To be free in a bikini requires less drinking of the beer, less eating of the fried chicken. Tear. Uphill battle I'm ready for you!!!!!! (maybe)

What am I supposed ot do when it's Mardi Gras? And Valentine's Day? And crawfish season? You know I can't eat my crawfish without a hefty side of beer! I need a portable liposuction machine. Do they make those? Internet, don't fail me now!!!!

Where the Hell is My Self?

2010-01-21T08:29:00.004-06:00

Good Morning! Today my work has magically unblocked blogger ;) So I will now take the opportunity to blog on company time -yay- probably the only way I'll ever be compensated for blogging. HA!

In other news my blog will be one year old next Thursday. I'm thinking about having a party. Some sort of shindig here at the blog. Me and all my bloggy friends will get trashed and dance on tables and stuff. I'll keep you posted ;)

Ok here's something weird. I have never been the type of girl who plans her wedding and does all that super dumb shit ahead of time. I don't squeal at the thought of wedding cakes (although I do Arsenio Hall hoop and holler at the thought of eating cake of any sort). That's neither here nor there.....my point is......

You know what's happening to me? It's really weird folks. I just know. Kaleo is it. I'm done. I always hated when people would say,'Oh you'll just know' like what the fuck does that even mean? But I just know. It's awesome in so many ways. He adores me and I adore him and all that mushy stuff. He is so happy in the midst of many things that are not 'ontrack' per say. He is very wise and optimistic. He fights fair. He supports me and all my crazy ideas. I will spare you the get a cavity, so sweet parts. It's just good.

Anway.......I am so happy it has turned me into a complete wedding planning freak. I am looking at rings, I am thinking of bridesmaids, and food , and location- WHAT?!?!?!?! I'm freaking myself out because wedding has NEVER been something I dream about. Not that I didn't want one I just never did the crazy stuff I saw girls around me doing. I'm not even engaged!!!!! (but I have been looking at rings.) What. A. Psycho.

The dumbest part is that Kaleo doesn't even know I'm being 'one of those girls'! I don't tell him about it or anything- oh my gawd are you kidding me? I'm freaking myself out the last thing I need is for him to get all weird about it. But you know, I think he wouldn't be. I think he might secretly feel the same way.....I mean he's not looking at wedding gowns or anything but he feels it. I feel so dumb and stereotypical girl saying all this crap but it's true. His heart is so true and he is so real I never want to be without him. I have never felt this way. Not even about Mr. Intellectual. So content. So simply pleased.

Overload! I hear myself say these cheesy things and I think, wow self, you are a big ball of gayness. But yeah, that's what's up. That's what's going on.

I'm like a crackhead on the hunt for the perfect rock except I'm looking for a diamond, one that K doesn't know he's going to buy yet ;)

P.S. I will be featured soon on Jen's blog.... stay tuned!

Remember Me?

2010-01-13T15:21:00.003-06:00

Hello folks! Wooo weee! I've had so much to tell you guys about but when you live on a couch and all your stuff including your computer is in storage and then your job blocks blogger, it makes it kind of difficult!

Anywho, there has been a slight change in the plans that were mentioned before.

I told my boss about me leaving and she is very crazily willing to work around any schedule I might have in order not to lose me and keep me in the city. Which is cool because I will work just enough to keep health insurance- big plus. Also I didn't have a new job lined up yet and I could foresee a possible freak out in about a month when my car payment is due. Also, I will be going to school part time, which seems more logical for a slacker like me who is just getting back into the swing of things. I'm very excited about it!!!!! Hop you all will be here to go through it with me. So with those things secured.......

(Drum roll please.......)

Brit and I are finally getting a two bedroom apartment!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will not be living on the couch any longer....come mid March. ;) Woop woop! Get crunk! Raise the mutha fuckin' roof!

So that's that. I'm happy about it cheese! Also another thing I am working on is getting my finances in order, you will be hearing a lot more about that as I try to learn more about how to become a rich bitch.

I would also like to learn to knit. I once bought a dvd that supposedly taught it but I nearly smashed the television with a freaking coat hanger I was so frustrated. One thing at a time people. One. thing. at a freakin time.

Kaleo is great still.

More later peeps.

Keep On Rockin in A Free World,

Court

Ch- ch-ch-Changes....

2010-01-04T07:59:00.005-06:00

Ok well. Today is the big day. Today is the day that I make it real. Remember when I said I would be going back to school, moving back to the rents for a limited time, finding a part time job? Today I have to tell my boss all about these new endeavors. I'm not afraid to tell her, just nervous because I know she is not expecting this at all. Any time I have talked about making this change and getting back to finish up my degree, it has never been within earshot of anyone in my office, period.

It also makes me nervous for myself. Ok. It's not like I'm just hopping into school to take a few classes casually. I've got bills to pay simultaneously. It's not like before when I ran around with a credit card and bank account that wasn't my responsibility to fill. I've got a real car payment, real insurance, real bills bills bills, and I've got to pay them. Plus paying for school and books on a limited income. It worries me because I will have to continue to work (at a new job I haven't found yet) while I simultaneously go to school.

Let's make something known. I need to study. I HAVE to study. I'm not one of those types of people who can just hear things once and is ready to conduct brain surgery. SO I will be working a lot, going to school a lot, and studying a lot. When will I sleep? Oh we'll cross that bridge when the time comes.

I'm worried because I am pretty comfortable with my check. I won't be getting a check this size if I'm working part time. Shopping becomes less. Party time becomes less. Buying ridiculous things just because I think they're funny becomes less. Eating out will be non existant.

BUT ultimately it feels right. Ultimately it's what needs to happen. Nevermind all the second thoughts I've been having. I'm just psyching myself out about it. I'm afraid of making the adjustments. So odd because at the same time I feel so ready for it.

Ugh. I don't know. Pleas just wish me luck as I approach the big b word about it. (boss)

Happy Monday internets. I'll keep you posted ;)

Mucho Love,

Court

Goodbye 2009 Hellloooooo 2010!!!!!!

2009-12-31T15:02:00.003-06:00

I always feel weird when the end of the year comes. If I open a calendar or a new planner I flip through the blank pages wondering what the days to come will fill them up with. At the beginning of last year I had no idea what I was in for in 2009. Man. It's been a crazy ride! One of the worst things happened this year and then one of the best things happened this year. Kaleo is my favorite thing to happen this year, just incase you hadn't heard ;)

I'm excited about the new year and the changes it brings. I'm looking forward to going into it full of hope and a giddiness of what may come. Despite what 09 brought me it was still better than the year before it and I have a feeling 2010 will do the same. It just keeps getting better.

I didn't have anything profound to tell you just that I hope you have a happy and safe new year!

I will be dancing on the kitchen table barefoot with a glass of champagne in my hand!

See ya next year!

Love,

Court

Kaleo and I- Our First Argument Involves A Fart Machine

2009-12-29T14:43:00.005-06:00

Kaleo and I in our first arguments ever. Yep. Is there trouble in paradise?....One fight involves a fart machine. I think we're going to be alright.

Here's the first:

His band played a show on Saturday so we were out of town and in a hotel. He had bought this ridiculous thing at CVS. I don't know the proper name for it but basically it is a fart machine, with a remote. I'm all for things like this and everyone went to dinner together before sound check so we had the speaker in my purse, he had the remote in his pocket and we were going to be pulling off all kinds of funny shenanigans!!! I was excited and we, like 9 year olds, were all giggly about our plan.

Then we get to the restaurant and it's too loud. No one can even hear it so we had to give it up and decided to try another time.

In the morning, I was calling the front desk and Kaleo had the fart machine in bed. His eyes lit up and he said, "Let me do this while your phone!" (God we sound like freaking losers) And I was not for it. No, hell no! I am calling to ask an important question please do not push the fart thing while I'm trying to really speak to this woman.

I don't think he ever actually agreed not to but hello Mr. I'm Pushing 30- let's control oursleves for just a simple second please. But he doesn't.

As soon as the lady at the front desk answers it's like a fucking sample of farts spilling from this device. I keep talking and it's so bad she can't even hear me. I'm yelling at him- as if he's a child- "Stop! Stop it! I cannot hear this woman! I am ON THE PHONE!" And I suppose once I reached that octive he realized I was serious.

I hung up the phone and he says,"I thought we were on a team."

What??!?!?! You thought we were on a team when I said please don't do that while I speak to this woman on the phone about our hotel?

He continues,"I can't believe you are so mad because of the fart machine."

What?

"Now I know that you're not really on my team. That's ok."

I just said, "I can't even handle you." Then I walked out to take a shower.

When I got back he apologized," I'm sorry for pushing the fart thing while you were on the phone."

"Thank you. It's just not funny when I was trying to talk to the lady and ......."

And then it was just ridiculous that this really made us both upset with each other and we laughed about it- a lot- and moved on with our lives.

About an hour later we're on our way home and Kaleo wanted to go shopping. I was massively hung over and said, "Please no, or how about once we get home you go shopping while I sleep?" We compromised and decided he would just run in to Target to pick up a dvd. Since I was in pajama pants, just realized my shirt was on inside out, and felt like my head had been smashed with a sledge hammer we decided I would wait in the car.

I let him out at the door at Target,"Please hurry. I feel like shit. Run!" He says ok and goes into the store.

I, like a normal person, park the car. I am just a few parking spots from the front. I lock the doors and lay the seat back. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting.......I'm thinking to myself what the hell is he doing in there? Then I think well it is the weekend after Christmas I'm sure it's busy and I lay back down in my reclined chair and kind of doze off.

I wake up half an hour later and still no Kaleo! I sit up looking around the parking lot, and trying to revive my phone so maybe I can make one call to him. It won't turn on and then I see him walking towards the car.

He opens the door and I say,"Where the hell have you been? On a shopping spree in Target?!?!?"

He calmly says,"No I've been sitting on the curb."

Me: Why?!?!??! Why would you do that?

Him: Because I didn't know you were going to park the car!!!

Me: How long have you been sitting there????

Him: Long enough to be upset about it.

Me: Are you kidding me?!?!?!! Why wouldn't you look for the car?!??!?! I was right here not even far in the back!

Him: So you expected me to blindly walk up and down the isles of the parking lot to find the car?!?!?!?

Me: Why wouldn't I park the car?!?!? You wanted me to circle the lot a zillion times for you?

Him: WELL YOU SAID TO RUN! I WAS OUT OF THERE IN FIVE MINUTES!

Me: Oh my God. You are ridiculous! Did you think I just left you!?!?!?!

Him: I though you would atleast be looking for me!!!

And then I said this.....

Me: Well I thought you would be smart enough to LOOK with your eyeballs for where I was....

And before I could even finish my sentence he goes: OH SHIT! No. You. Didn't.

Me: SO I've been in the car and you've been on the curb? I want the last 30 minutes of my life back.

...............Silence..................... not even the radio is on.

Me: And why!........

Him: Baby. I do not want to talk about it anymore. I'm mad and you're mad and I don't want to talk about it.

Me: Fine.

.................Silence.................................

So we are driving down the highway in total silence for a good while. I'm all pissed and won't look in his direction and I'm assuming he's doing the same. I'm waiting for an apology when he finally breaks the silence....

Him: I got a soundtrack to one of the movies.....and they had the new Alicia Keys album.....

Me: ALICIA KEYS WOULD HAVE PARKED THE CAR!!!!!

Him: Oh come on! Why would you do that?!?!? You've got to be kidding me. Seriously why would you say that?!?!?!

.........More Silence...............

We eventually made up before we got home. It was a little laughable and even more so now I think about it. We were both fools waiting in the parking lot on the other.

I love that guy.

A Few Ridiculous Things on Christmas Eve

2009-12-24T08:13:00.005-06:00

Ok so I know I didn't post an Out of Tune Tuesday but I dreamt about it- seriously. Isn't that dumb?! LOL I will have one coming soon. I just don't know how soon...it'll happen for real though.

In the mean time I have a few ridiculous things to tell you:

Kaleo and the freakin fan pull
One night Kaleo broke the fan pull, it's kind of a long/ ridiculous/ drunk story that really isn't funny unless you were there but all in all, it was broken. It was the fan pull that turns the light on. It's been very annoying. But the world needs to know that I am thankful my sweet sweet boyfriend didn't hurt himself fixing the fan pull to the ceiling fan yesterday. K and his bright ideas.... He put a step ladder on the dresser and then climbed it since the ladder wasn't tall enough. Innovative- yes. Safe- no. Thank God he didn't fall! If I were ever stranded on an island I would hope Kaleo and his Macgyver like skills were with me. And wahoo for the fan pull!!!! Now we shall have light!

Freezing balls.

It was soooo cold this morning that I said,"It's freezing balls in here!"

Kaleo, all smug like, says,"How would you even know that?"

I don't even know where this comes from but I said....

"Because I used to have balls but since it's so cold in here they froze and fell off."

Kaleo- "Ew. Please stop saying that."

Me- "But why? It's funny!"

Kaleo- "No. You having balls- there's nothing funny about that. Ever."

Wrapping presents while the scary movie was on
Last night I had all these plans for K that he would be up and ready to wrap! He was not excited but I was! Then I realized he couldn't really help because he would be able to see his presents and stocking stuffers. So instead he decided that he would watch one of the movies I got him. Me, like a fool, bought him scary movies. He loves horror movies- I wasn't thinking straight. If I were I would have known that he would want me to watch them too.

So he turns on this scary documentary thing about a haunting and exorcism. I am wrapping and listening and kind of watching (against my will). I end up getting really into it, against my will. I don't want to watch it but I can't help myself- AND IT'S A TRUE STORY- IT REALLY HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE!!!! So here I am wrapping presents trying so hard to sing Christmas carols in my head,"Oh the weather outside is frightful...." but I am fucking scared!!!! Don't you remember how Kaleo lives in a historical home that is over 100 years old? At 11:30 last night I was convinced a million ghosts were in the bedroom alone and who knows how many in the rest of the house! I was thinking what if this house needs an exorcism?

Presents and wrapping paper are everywhere. Forget about it! I made sure to put the scissors on the shelf so I could wrap up in a cocoon, where I would be safe and guarded from any evil spirits. I reach to Kaleo for support and....

....he's asleep!!!!!!

Here I am, alone, trying to be all Christmas cheery but instead am watching an exorcism -against my will- while he is peacefully sleeping!!!!!!!!!! I'm trapped at this point. I can't even get out of bed to turn the tv off- I am a little embarrassed admitting that but if you had seen this documentary you would be just as scared too! I couldn't even get up to turn the light off but I didn't want to anyway!

So we slept with two rolls of wrapping paper, three dresses, a box of candy, a dvd player, tape and a bag of bows in bed with us. Every single light in the damn house was on. I'm praying the rosary and Kaleo is snoring.

Baking dilemma: Now I will complain about baking shit
Tonight is bake night. I almost kind of hate bake night. I will need lots of wine. Baking takes way tooo much time to do when I can eat 43932098 cookies/ cupcakes in one sitting.

Any time I've baked something I want everyone to admire the cupcake/ cookie/ or whatever it is for some time before they eat it. Maybe they should even photograph it. ;) And then once they eat it I want them to savor every bite recognizing the blood, sweat, and tears (sometimes literal tears) I put into making the delightful treat. But instead....lol.....they just scarf em down and then they're all gone in the blink of an eye! All the recognition and respect for the near mental breakdown I had creating the desserts never happen and instead of an award winning medal and parade that I feel I deserve (lol) I usually get a,"That was good. Ya got any milk?"

My mom made a pumpkin roll and one year I know she had to have been in the kitchen for 12 hours. She cried, she cussed- the pumpkin roll was breaking her down! Looking back it's funny but every year she says she's going to try it again and we beg her not to. I told her if she was going to try it again to let me know the date and time she planned on her attempt so I could be sure not to be there!

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's freakin hard work to bake! It's like a yearly Mt. Everest! And when I'm finally done, the relief is what I would assume it feels like to finish a marathon. I will be drunk tonight. YAY!

Merry Christmas dear internets ;) And Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and whatever else you might be celebrating ;)

Sing!

2009-12-22T16:43:00.004-06:00

Sooo you know how I like to sing right? And how I wish I could be in a band right? Well I never said I was really good at it or anything. I've been singing up a storm to Kaleo and he just listens ;) He laughs at me (a lot) but tells me I'm great. My feelings aren't hurt or anything bc I know I'm not Mariah Carey lol, I am fully aware of that fact that I could use some improvement- but lets be hoonest here, Rock Band tells me I'm great! (on easy)

If you follow Jules (and if you don't you should because she's fucking hilarious and not a great singer either, wait what? Who said that?) then you know all about Out of Tune Tuesday. I will have one coming soon!!!! Maybe even tonight....I make no promises. BUT I have the perfect song and I've been singing it to Kaleo for about two weeks now. He says he doesn't want me to practice because if I actually got good at singing this song he wouldn't like it anymore. That's love folks.

Actually, Saturday night we grilled fajitas outside. All bundled up on the large porch steps it was so quiet out. I decided to start singing. It was like a concert folks. I sang it all- Celine Dion, Paula Abdul, The Postal Service, a little bit of New Kids, I even went as far to sing some old sorority songs to top it all off. Oh yeah AND lets not forget all the Christmas carols! I knew so many words to all of the songs Kaleo asked how do you know every single word????

Well number one, I made up the parts I didn't know but the (very true) answer I gave him was that,"I used to be a Christmas Carroller!"

His response was a reluctant,"Oh how beautiful."

Later that night his sister was there and she was talking about going to karaoke. Kaleo said,"Oh no....you should have been here earlier. I got a personal concert the entire time I was cooking."

Me: Oh, did you not like it?

Kaleo: Of course I did! Babe, you were great....uh..... you knew all the words!

Never mind about being in tune or how I have years of experience carrolling with volunteer groups. The best compliment he had for me was that I knew all the words! LOL

Anywho, maybe you'll get lucky and I'll post an Out of Tune Tuesday for you soon ;)

And It Goes On and On and On.....

2009-12-22T09:12:00.003-06:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've been around! I've been super extra crazy lately....let me catch you up....

1. New York was amazing ;) I loved it! Absolutely loved it! The city is amazing and so thankful to Jalynn for her hospitality. She was never annoyed with our touristy-ness, and if she was she never showed it. We walked all over the city and even though Jalynn has seen everything a thousand times she took us everywhere anyway- never complaining! We saw Statue of Liberty, Rockefeller Center, New York Stock Exchange, Wall Street, Broadway, Central Park, World Trade Center, Carrie's Stoop- seriously you name it- we definitely saw it, or in my case ate it. I ate so much pizza and hotdogs and basically anything 'New York' I could get my hands on that my clothes were noticeably tighter by the time we left.

It was cold -very- and I was really into the hats and keeping my head warm. I had a variety of hats by the time we left, my favorite being the one with earflaps and a large ball on top of my head. It was in the 20's and with the wind chill was reported to 'feel like' 18 one of the days.

All was right with the world until we got to the airport. We missed our flight home or managed to get our flight cancelled depending on who you are ;) Brit and I spent 18 hours (you read that right) experiencing everything the JetBlue terminal at JFK had to offer. I think we ate or at least had a drink in every place that served anything. We slept on the floor- literally. This 18 hours can become very detailed- it includes the actual missing of the flight, me setting off an alarm, telling an airport lady to shut the hell up, crying in public, then getting very drunk. It was rough but we made it back and in one piece- kind of.....

2. Before we left I had a headache I couldn't shake, one that had been reoccuring over the past several weeks. While we were there I was moving around like an 80 year old woman, my neck and back were so stiff. By the time we returned I had a massive headache. I went to work Tuesday but couldn't make it on Wednesday. I had been shaking with fever and sweats all night. I went to the doctor and while I thought it was a sinus issue, he confirmed that it wasn't. I was blood tested for a everything under the sun and he ordered 2 types of MRI's for the next day. Thank God the MRI came back negative!!! Whew! The blood work as well. I don't have a real confirmed diagnosis but they believe it could be a severe tension headache from stress/ work. Which seems odd for someone returning from vacation. It has subsided for the most part but I do believe it is from work. I'll keep you updated as I know more.

3. Brit graduated!!!! I couldn't be more proud of her!!!! She has had a rough last couple of years and she has dealt with them better than anyone could have imagined. SHE EVEN GRADUATED MANGA CUM LAUDE!!!!! She inspires me so much and I am so happy to call her my cousin, my family.

4. With that said, I cannot make the "official" announcement as of yet, but most likely (like 97%) I will be back in school in January!!!! I have been wanting this for a while and it finally feels right. Most of you know how long I have considered going back (again) and even though it may take some time atleast now I will be moving forward. Work doesn't know- I will tell them after Christmas. I speak with an advisor after the new year and school starts at the end of January.

A lot will be changing soon, so I hope you readers will come along for the ride.

5. Thankful that I was able to get most of my Christmas shopping done. Just close family got gifts but I am wrapping up highfives for the rest of you. I am thankful once again (it's like I can't say it enough) for my fmaily. My friends and family are so wonderful. They always listen to all of my wild ideas that have changed various times over the past few years, and they always support and encourage my ideas- some of which have included: becoming a fashion designer, starting a production company, moving to Hawaii to wait tables, traveling the nation on a promotional tour, becoming a full time photographer, opening a boutique, and the most recent owning a taco truck.

There are many more than that but for the most part none of them have ever called me crazy- they always believed in me, sometimes even I wonder why lol, but they always have and a girl like me- with all these crazy plans that change every so often, I appreciate it. These folks are solid and God gave me the cream of the crop when He gave me these fools ;)

And you my readers! All three of you! Thanks ;)

Now for the update with boys:

Mr. Intellectual- Sent me a text while I was in NYC saying he missed me blah blah blah. I did not respond. I still feel sad a little but not a lot.

CGM- Sent me a text from a new numbe rthat said,"Hey it's CGM." I responded 'hey' He then asked how I was doing and I never said anything back. Why does he care how I'm doing now? Lame.

Saturday I cried alone for about an hour until I fell asleep. I haven't seen Sandy since she's been pregnant and I still haven't seen Jan's baby. Jan's baby would be just a few weeks older than mine would have been. I don't think I've intentionally avoided these very close friends of mine but I'm beginning to think maybe it is an issue. Am I afraid to see them? Am I afraid I might cry? I'm so veyr happy for them. Then something that hurts me to the core is that some women are so heartbroken and would give anything to beable to be pregnant and produce life and I literally threw an opportunity away. I know I know- I cannot think like this forever but it creeps into my thoughts and the guilt and the hurt and the regret are a little overwhelming.

Kaleo- He is still amazing. I have a hard time talking with him about this stuff and don't want to put so much on him soo soon so I just avoid it. He is great though. He makes me laugh so much and I feels so awesome with him by my side. Like in the Blue October song Calling You- the line that says, "I feel like I can fly when I stand next to you" that's how I feel when I stand next to him ;) I love him.

More later I have got to get back to work!

Sincerely,

Court

Place Holder...

2009-12-15T12:54:00.002-06:00

So New York was amazing ;) There's a whole lot then not a lot to say about it. Amazing should just about sum it up. Except for the part where a guy threw up on the subway and then we missed our flight and slept on the floor in the airport.

OTHER THAN THAT everything was absolutely fabulous ;)

More coming up so stay tuned......

Vegetarian Doodoo Water

2009-12-08T08:00:00.004-06:00

Good morning blog readers of America and beyond. Today is a little better than yesterday in case you were wondering. For the people that left comments yesterday thank you. For real.

I wrote you all back in the comment section. Super tight hugs to each of you. I would give you all a piece of icecream cake if I had some because that's what everyone should get whenever they're thoughtful.

I kept having crazy dreams last night that I missed my flight to NYC and I wasn't even worried about it. I was all packing slow and I kept saying,"Oh I'll just catch the next flight." And then there weren't anymore flights until the next day and I missed an entire 24 hours of my trip like a doofus. (lol I don't think I spelled doofuss right but it's just so funny.)

Anyway I've been wanting to tell y'all about this. Kaleo's brother is dating a freak of the industry and I don't mean like a freak nasty kind of a freak I mean like super hippie on steroids, doesn't wear make up or deodorant type of a girl *cough old woman* (she's older than my mother). Different strokes for different folks. But we will call her Rainbow.

For the record Kaleo's brother is awesome and I think he's just temporarily out of his mind. He knows not what he is dating.

Anywho, Kaleo and I are in the kitchen and we're making soup for everyone and Rainbow's in there talking to us and she starts telling me how she hasn't felt well since last night. She says she has had severe diarrhea that has been awful and rotten.

See the face you're making while you just read that?!?!?! I made the same face. Kaleo kept his back turned and never looked her in the eye.

Now, I probably talk about poop more than is socially acceptable but even I know my limits. She was so graphic and I don't even know her like that. Well let's be honest- I don't really know anyone well enough to be comfortable discussing the consistency of their poop while I'm trying to make dinner- not even my doctor.

And then she says,"...and my poop doesn't stink because I eat a lot of vegetables."

...............................................

Uh......what? I'm just looking at her blinking and nodding along like I'm listening but inside my head I'm all freaking out like,"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!!!!!!" Not only could I care less about your poop and what's going wrong with your digestive system but don't top it off by telling me your are so organic and fresh that your shit doesn't smell bad.

Kaleo turns around from the sink and shoots me a wide eyed look that says"Whoa! Emergency!"

I just looked at Rainbow and said,"Yeah maybe you should take some pepto."

And then I just didn't stop talking, "Kaleo can you stir the soup? I think I'll make some coffee. How's the weather? They say it's going to freeze tonight. Maybe we need an extra heater? Anyone want to put up the Christmas tree? What time is the show tomorrow? We have ingredients left over to make another greenbean casserole. I think I'll make it. Let's play Apples to Apples......."

I just kept talking to fill up any empty talking space and never gave her the chance to speak again.

Awkward turtle.

She had thrown us into a lake of awkward turtles without a life jacket.

So later on Kaleo and I are watching The Ring 2- well he's watching it and I'm just screaming out of fear and cutting off the circulation in his arms and hiding my face under the covers. There's a part where the kid is in a public restroom and water is shooting out of all the toilets. And Kaleo's all like,"Ugh! Kid get out of there before you get covered in all that doodoo water!!!!"

(There's just something about the word 'doodoo' that makes me giggle. It's even funnier to hear Kaleo and all his coolness say 'doodoo' lol)

And I said,"Well maybe Rainbow and a bunch of vegetarians use those restrooms so it doesn't smell bad."

And we died laughing. Maybe it smells good! Maybe we can make money and bottle that shit! Get it?!?!?!? Heh heh heh.

Vegetarian Doodoo Water. Coming to a store near you.

So the next morning Kaleo's brother is there and Kaleo says,"Rainbow told us last night that her poop doesn't smell bad because she eats vegetables. Can you confirm that?"

"What the f*ck?" was his response.

Exactly.

Monday

2009-12-07T12:46:00.002-06:00

Down today. I don't know maybe it's just Monday but shouldn't I be all kinds of excited? I'm going to New York this week and Kaleo is amazing. I'm just feeling a little down. MI sent me a text this weekend. He said he had just finished decorating his Christmas tree and he thought of me. He also said he would be coming into town this week if I wanted to meet up to talk and if not he would be back over the Christmas holiday.

I have no intentions to see him. It still hurts. All the things I want to happen right now would be much more comfortable and much more instant if we were still together. I know that's no way to think but the truth is that the thought is there- not to be together but just moving on with life. Things with Kaleo are going to be difficult and slower as we both get things in order. I am in love with him. I am crazy happy with him but just this little piece of saddness creeps in when I think about MI and how it will never be.

I guess these 'things' I'm talking about is having children. I can't believe I'm saying that outloud even. I want to start a family SO incredibly bad. I don't know if it's because of what happened before or if that's just honestly how I feel. I feel in my heart that that is what I was put on this earth to do, to be a mother. I know obviously it's something you can't rush and the timing should be right but I am SO confused. My heart is broken and I just feel so crazy.

Maybe it's just a lot right now because I am so broke and really struggling. Maybe it's because I am about to be in New York and that's where I always knew MI would propose to me.

I know better. I know I've got to let it go and I've got to be stronger than this but it doesn't mean that it hurts any less. I even told myself last year that if things had not majorly changed or moved forward with us that by this time I would let him go.

I feel unfair that my brain even has these thoughts. Kaleo is so crazy perfect and I feel bad for even thinking of MI. I have to rest assured thigns will happen when and how they are supposed to.

Easier said than done.

Friday Randomness Celebration Station: Right Here

2009-12-04T08:49:00.003-06:00

Guess what folks? It's snowing in Houston!!!!! I was driving on 610 and it seems that everything floats along with the little flakes in the air. How magical ;)

You know when it's in the 30's in Houston I have a hard time believing all this global warming talk. And I'm not a fan of Al Gore. Sue me. I'm all for being energy efficient and not wasting and recycling but I honestly don't feel as though shits about to kill over because I use paper towels in my kitchen.

Anywho, you want some highlights from this past week?

-I almost killed an asian lady in Galveston this past weekend at a nail salon. She was so rude and was attacking my hands with that grinding tool so much I actually yelled at her as my fingers bled,"You're hurting me lady!!!!!" And then she wasn't sorry and she just kept on brutally torturing me. I considered leaving but it wouldn't have been cute to have nails that are half done. I would have been like,"Look I got my nail done." lol Singular, like in Angela Johnson's standup.

-A few nights ago Brit had a million rhinestones on the coffee table sitting on top of her graduation hat. I picked it up and spilled them everywhere because they were not glued down yet. As I was picking them up the dog was eating them. Yesterday she pooped a diamond studded turd.

Hmmm....Lets see.......it's snowing in the south, I don't agree with Al Gore's plastic face, Asian lady cutting off my fingers, dog pooped a disco ball.......

Yep. That's about it.

Have a wonderful Friday folks ;)

LOVE,

Court

I'm All Like A Nerd Happy and Shiz

2009-11-30T17:49:00.004-06:00

Hello everyone. Have you missed me? I've missed you ;)

First things first, we're falling in it. Yep. He said 'head over heels' and I just smiled a lot. You know it's really weird. Now is usually right around the time where the new wears off and I start becoming annoyed and bothered but I'm not, it's like I can't get enough of him. He is THE sweetest person I have ever met. He is so damn genuine and real and just fucking cool, he's so damn cool and without trying. He laughs at me and he thinks I'm really funny, for real, it's not fake- he laughs at the things I say like it's the funniest things he's ever heard and it makes me laugh that he thinks the dumb shit is even funny too.

I just want to sit back and watch him sometimes. He's so not afraid of being himself even if being himself consists of silly with a little bit of the sexiest nerdy you've ever seen. He doesn't try to impress, and I love that. He sings outloud in the car with me and he dances in the kitchen even when there isn't any music on.

There are times when he's just looking at me and it makes me want to cry. He tells me I am so beautiful and the look in his eyes shows me something I'm not sure I've ever seen before.... he adores me. I force myself to think of funny things like farting in public so I don't cry and become overly emotional by how extremely happy I truly am. Really I do that.... what the hell is wrong with me? lol

The other day I was feeling bad (read:hungover) when a few people were over so I went to lay down and take a nap. I could hear them laughing and talking and I could hear Kaleo singing along to the music. I was envisioning him dancing around the room while he talked to his friends. And something really weird happened.....I started to cry. I was so thankful for what I have found. He is all that and a bag of chips folks. He is the real deal. He is so amazing that I cannot even describe it.

His heart is simply made of gold and that's the only way I can put it. He's perfect. He's a badass with out having to have act all tough guy. He's damn hott and so talented. He has ambition and lord does he have wit! AND! AND! Get this!

He cooks.

..................................

I know! He made dinner lastnight and it was amaze balls. I did not even know but he went to culinary school. He can cook all kinds of things!

I just catch myself being this googly eyed 16 year old with him. I feel a little ridiculous how hardcore it is. I can't stop touching him and I want to see him all the time and it's the same on both sides. He's a no bullshit type of a guy. There is no game here to play. Straight up and honest. Cut to the chase.

I know it's all honeymoon phase right now but it's great. I have been in love but this is way more than anything. It's like I'm under a spell or something. See I even say stupid things like 'I'm under a spell'.

Well anyway, yeah. It's awesome blossom. If you read this and it's a little too sweet for you I have a bag for your sickness.....See photo at the top ;)

Let's Get Fat on Turkey!!!! YAY!

2009-11-25T13:28:00.003-06:00

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I know....it's not until tomorrow but still. Tomorrow I will be busy gaining ten pounds and enjoying my lovely family so I won't be writing about it, I'll be living it!

Today, the day before Thanksgiving, always makes me a little nostalgic. It reminds me of sleeping in at my grandparents house and waking up to the sound of grandmother and my aunt preparing their homemade stuffing. It took them a whole day to make! The house would smell sooo good and she would set aside a little pan of stuffing for us to have for dinner.

There is nothing like that feeling. Waking up in a comfy warm bed and hearing them moving around the kitchen, the sweet smell of the fresh vegetables they were chopping and the corn bread baking in the oven. It's almost like a dream. It makes me smile to recall the memory and how clear it is for me. I always felt so safe there. So loved there.

These little moments are the ones I will always cherish from my childhood. I am thankful for them, so so SO thankful for them.

Here are a few other things I'm thankful for......

1. Thankful that even though I complain like no other about how this job is sucking the life out of me, I am thankful that I have it. I am thankful that because of it I have been able to pay my bills for almost two years now- that's always a plus right? I have been blessed.

2. Thankful for such a wonderful family and wonderful friends. Sincerely. Many are not close with their family and many are unable to consider their friends their family. For example, I often find myself referring to Tanner's family as my own. And when I explain my 'very good friends' I usually have to elaborate on how much I love that particular person. Really though my friends are so great and awesome and any other synonym for baller.

3. Thankful for anyone who has prayed for me this year. I was having a rough time earlier. If you answered the phone at a crazy hour, listened to me cry and talk in circles, left an encouraging comment, or just gave me a hug- Thank you. Man! Who knew I would learn so much being 25!?!?!?

4. Thankful for my health. I had the Flu but it wasn't the Pig Flu! And overall I've been pretty healthy despite all that fried chicken I've been eating ;)

5. Thankful for the calmness that comes with knowing everything will definitely be ok.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all gain 10 pounds and then we can work out together!

Cheers!

LOVE,

Court

Friday Night Wine

2009-11-23T15:30:00.004-06:00

If you follow me on twitter then you know that I drank all the wine in South Texas Friday. If you read this blog then you most likely know how I am obsessed with Rockband.

Wine and Rock Band on a Friday= pure bliss in my book.

Kaleo was going with me to visit one of my BFF's, Tanner, on Friday when Kaleo's friend called and asked him to go to a concert that he really wanted to go to. The friend said he had extra tickets and I could even go if I wanted. Kaleo hung up the phone and asked me what I wanted to do. Not being thrilled about the concert, I had no idea who the person performing was, I didn't want t go but he was really excited I could tell. I said, "No, I don't want to go but you go with your friend have fun."

He just sat in the car as I drove staring straight ahead.

Me-'Hello.....?'

Kaleo: Are you sure?

Me: This is not a trick. I swear I won't be mad later! Really. I would tell you if tonight wine and Rockband were super important but it's no big deal. You go do your thing at the show and I will be drinking wine and playing rockband when you get back! Honestly!

So funny. He kind of didn't believe me.....he was a little suspicious as if this was a test. He said,"So, you don't care if I go out tonight, without you, while you stay at your friends house until I get back?"

Really, I'm not like that. Actually, I act a damn fool when Rockband and wine is around so it was probably better that he not be there!

I just remember being with MI and how my eyes would light up about a concert I wanted to go to soooo bad. He would do mean things like tell me to go and then be mad about it later. OR like that one time MI said we were threw if I went. I never want to be that way. I know what it feels like and I don't want us to ever be that way with each other.

BESIDES Tanner had wine and rockband at her house!!!!!!!!! I would be thoroughly entertained!

And I was.

He came in and hung out and then he left for the show. We popped open a few bottles of wine and I was getting all warmed up when Tanner decided we would leave the rest of the crew at the house and we would venture off to Walmart in order to purchase more songs for the Wii!

This is where I meet Eyeesha. Um to be completely honest, I don't remember what prompted the whole inviting her to Thanksgiving but I did. She was really nice and I was all drunk in Walmart. I told her she was a great help and I was really thankful for people like her and being that it is Thanksgiving she should come over to my house and have some turkey this week. Then I told her all about how good the turkey is and that my cousin Brit is a really good cook.

I said,"Eyeesha! Girl! Don't be shy! Just come over! Everybody is really nice and they will like you. They will like you even more if you bring a pumpkin pie! I swear it!"

And then Tanner said,"Court, you're harassing the cashier.....get the game and lets go" And then Tanner apologized to Eyeesha. And I was all like,"Tanner you don't need to apologize for me inviting her to our families Thanksgiving party. That's not rude, that's nice. No need for apologies for party invites! You learned your manners backwards!"

Kaleo got back from the show at 1:30- I was STILL playing rockband. My lips and teeth were purple.

He drove us home and I felt like I was dying all of Saturday.

I never drove my car again until Sunday but when I got in it the passenger seat was all the way down, apparently I was sleeping on the way home? There were specks of red wine on the console? Did I drink wine in the car? And then I found a wine glass. Really?

Kaleo informed me that I had poured myself a glass of wine 'for the road'. He insisted he drive- Good call K! Good call!

He said that on the way home I told him that I was going to finish the wine and then throw the glass out of the window so we wouldn't have evidence.

(Just call me Slick Rick why don't you?)

Then I fell asleep and he grabbed my glass of wine just before I passed out.

The rest of my weekend was spent recovering from Friday night.

This Is What Happens To Assholes!

2009-11-20T09:20:00.003-06:00

This should serve as a warning for every douche bag guy that thinks he's super hot and can say whatever he wants. HaHa! This is so fucking awesome!

My cousin Brit works in a bar. She is a bartender, a very hott one too. She's very good at her job. But on this night she was not working- she was just enjoying the club with a few friends at the place she works. Fast forward to Thursday morning.......

SO I wake up yesterday morning and I have a text from Brit that reads,"I got in a fight tonight..." Immediately I spring up from my pillow and try to call her but her phone is turned off. I'm thinking great, some bitch walked into the bar talking mad shit and Brit had to put her class up on the shelf for a second. No. That's not what happened.

So I go to work and I'm waiting to hear from her and I never do. Finally I text,"Fight Club! Wake your ass up! I'm dying to know what happened!!!!"

She calls me and gives the brief story but I get the whole story when I got home last night....

Brit's hanging around the little VIP area where they have been ordering bottles of champagne all night. What were they celebrating? I guess Wednesday? That's neither here nor there. But there is this guy standing next to her, a guy she doesn't know. He turns and looks at her and says,"You're fat. You really need to go on a diet."

Gasp! Shock!

First of all Brit is NOT fat at all! Remember how she is all health fitness of America???? And how she rarely eats things with flavor? She is not a size negative zero but she's probably a size three. And she's petite. She's not a stick figure, she has boobs and butt BUT she is by no means FAT.

She turned to him and said,"Excuse me?"

And the douche bag goes,"I SAID you're FAT. AND you need to go on a diet!"

Brit wasted no time. She pulled back her fist and punched him in the face!!!!! The first hit knocked this guy TO THE GROUND! LOL! Little bitty BRIT did that!

And I don't know what came over her but once he fell to the ground she said 'fuck it' and she got on top of him and just wailed on his face!

You know, I don't condone violence or anything but that guy totally deserved it! I mean really? Who goes up to someone they don't even know and calls them fat? And someone as beautiful as Brit! Did he think she would just go to the bathroom and cry? I'm sure he probably didn't think she would knock him out! Asshole!

Brit was in the club that she works at and when her manager noticed this happening he had to pull her off this guy yelling,"What are you thinking!?!?!?!!" The douche bag's face was bloody and Brit woke up yesterday morning with swollen knuckles.

I just think it is SO damn awesome. I want to highfive all girls across America! Brit is prim and proper and not crazy. She's a sweet girl but she beat up a boy. And not on the play ground. She beat up a boy in the club. She beat up a rude dick asshole.

AND I'M PROUD OF HER!

Guys like that deserve to get the shit beat out of them. Who does that? I bet he felt amazing when he woke up in the morning with his face swollen. When his buddies ask what happened he has to answer,"A beautiful five foot two girl beat my face in because I'm a loser."

Karma is sometimes instant!!!!! LOVE IT!

NEW YORK! HERE I COME!!!!!!!!!!

2009-11-19T16:27:00.006-06:00

Guess who's going to the big apple next month??? Oh..... I dunno.......

ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've never been folks! I am so damn excited I think I may have peed a little here in my office chair!!!!!! I promise to eat hot dogs and pizza everyday on the street! I promise to look at Lady Liberty and Ground Zero! I promise to go over that one bridge and go to Madison Square Garden! I promise to go walking around Central Park and eat in Little Italy!!!! Wall Street! Broadway!

Woop woop! Doin a little dance over here (quietly of course I'm still at work)! BUT ON THE INSIDE it's like a fucking celebration! I'm doing the MC Hammer on the inside! On the inside I'm I'm doing cartwheels down the hallways of my office!!!!!! On the inside I'm standing on top of my desk backin that thang up and screaming MOZEL TOV! with a large bottle of champagne in the air!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO happy. So so so happy. Go me go me all the way to EN. WHY. SEE!

YUP! I'm that ridiculously excited! MmmmHmmmm!!!!!!

If anyone has suggestions on places to go /things to see then tell me!!!!!!

I'm off now. I think I really might just go ahead and do that cartwheel..........!

How To Get The Fun Into Your Capri Suns and a few other things.....

2009-11-11T09:01:00.007-06:00

Photo From LoveBryan.com

But first I have a few other things to tell you about!

Number One: Dancing With the Stars
Ok I am not a huge fan or anything BUT I'm so happy about Susan Boyle's voice and the dance that was performed!!! That was absolutely beautiful! I'm not over it! I could have cried it was so lovely! Yes I said lovely!

Number Two: MI has texted yet again this morning.
I feel that no response is the best response. I don't wish that he's hurting but in a way I kind of want to mwahahahahhahaha evil laugh at him!!! It hurt me big time when my heart was broken and he was gallivanting (yes. ok. I said gallivanting.) all over with that uncute chick. Now I went through the pain and I'm over it! I'm not responding. How many times can I say douche?

And now the moment you've all been waiting for........

Capri Suns.

Ok what you need is:

A needle. I'm not really sure where you buy needles but I will suggest that you don't get them from Harry Heroine Addict on the corner. Does CVS or Walgreen's sell needles???? We got ours from a friend whose parents own a lot of horses and they vaccinate them. Their parents gave us one large (unused! lol) needle which will forever more be our Capri Sun Injector.

Then you need to buy a box of Capri Suns. Right now at Target they are on sale for two boxes in a package. I think we had the fruit punch flavor and it was THE SHIT. Soooo good!

You will also need a bottle of vodka. I'm, not sure what size our bottle was but it was smaller and it worked for both boxes. Of course this all depends on how much you plan to make.

Now to make them:

There is a little extra space in each pouch of juice and it took a little trial and error but we decided that 20ML of vodka fit perfectly into each Capri Sun...by all means add more if you can!

So, open your vodka. You may need to pour some into a cup to better reach it with the syringe.
Suck up about 20 ML of vodka into the needle.
Then stick it in your arm.
JUST KIDDING! PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!

Insert the needle into the little hole were the straw goes into your Capri Sun to inject the vodka and then push out all vodka from the needle into the pouch. Be careful not to pierce through to the other side of the Capri Sun.

When the syringe is empty pull it out and set you Capri Sun aside and repeat until all are filled.

IT'S THAT SIMPLE!!!!

We used a box to stand all of the juice pouches upright because they will slowly leak through the small puncture if you lay them on their side. You can also freeze half which helps control leakage during transport and it keeps the others cold.

RESPONSIBILITY IS ALL YOURS!

Again, please don't shoot the syringe of vodka into your arm. If you do that is your problem and I take no repsonsibility in your stupidity. Also if you have lil kiddos keep your 'special Capri Suns' marked. AND carefully put away the needle before you cut loose and get wild with your Fun in the Capri Suns!

So I mean it is Friday the 13th this weekend.....I suggest that if you just read this blog post that you celebrate this Friday with Court's Special Concoction- Injected Capri Suns! and then report back!

Get all wasted and leave me drunk comments and tell me how much fun you had!

I shall call this Friday: Fun in the Capri Sun Friday the 13th!!!!!!!!!!!

Capri Suns Injected With Vodka

2009-11-10T08:54:00.006-06:00

Ya'll. Really. MI is just so so so bad. He's trying to weasel his way back in and it's not working. Right now he just texted that he needed my address. I told him whatever he needed it for to send it to my parents house. Then he said, "I'm sending you something for your birthday. On Wednesday you'll be closer to 30 than you are to 20!"

hmm.......

Um, internets, I don't know if you remember correctly or not but my birthday was Saturday, right?

I just responded, "My birthday was Saturday."

He wrote something back about being so busy and how it's really early there. I haven't said anything back.

He should just stop. He should just go ahead and accept that he screwed so much up and even if he sent me a million dollars in that package I wouldn't reconsider anything....I would however take the money. Come on! A girls gotta eat! ;)

Really though, Kaleo made my birthday. During the week he had asked me what I wanted and I'm never really good with those kinds of things. You know there are a zillion things I want but as soon as someone asks me what it is I go blank. Plus we're really new so I figured asking for a new car was just a little too much. (I kid I kid!)

SO I told him I wanted Capri Suns injected with Vodka for my party. It was perfect! Friday night he had it all ready and we made half on Friday and then Saturday we got up and injected the rest. They were a hit and the perfect party favor!

I mean, need I say more? My birthday was the bomb dot com. Capri Suns injected with vodka. Folks, I know how to party ok. I've been holdin' it down since 1983.

Things I Learned While I Was 25

2009-11-03T09:02:00.007-06:00

I got this idea from Whitney. She recently celebrated her 26 th birthday and she made a list of things she learned while she was 25. I thought this was a great idea and I'm an avid list maker so of course this appealed to me. .......And my birthday is Saturday! So here I go:

"What could be more beautiful than a dear old lady growing wise with age? Every age can be enchanting, provided you live within it." - Brigitte Bardot

(Not that I'm old or anything)

+The number one thing I learned this year is that taking your birth control is not a joke. It is a very serious matter. Should you be irresponsible and faced with an unplanned prenancy your life will change forever no matter what you may choose. Both choices are hard to make. That was a huge lesson learned! Dear God.

+I have also learned that your true friends really will always be there for you. Maybe you don't see them everyday, maybe you don't talk as much as you should BUT true friends will come stomping out of the woodwork to defend and mend your broken heart no matter what.

+I have learned that even when you think the world of someone they will still manage to let you down. No one is perfect but you should always know when you should accept a situation and when to turn away from it. Recognizing when something is no longer adding happiness and pure joy to your life (in any aspect) is important and a hard lesson to learn. You have to let some people/ some situations go no matter how long they have been around. Even if they used to make you happy. "Use to" is not "still is".

+I learned that being single is way better than being an unhappy girlfriend- even if I was already single when I realized this.

+I learned that the Flu shot does not go into effect until 30 days after it's been administered. Who knew?

+I learned that all people of the internet are not freak shows. ;) Thank you Jules and Dingo and JB and That Girl and Miss Rosa for not being crazy and being normal and helping to teach me this! Your comments have helped me so many times. There are many more of you as well! I have had a lot of support from many of you strangers through some very hard times this year. Thank you ;) Really, thank you.

+I learned that I can make things happen on my own. I have learned to give myself more credit and to not be afraid of my ideas even if they fail.

+I have learned to accept that what I thought would be happenning by the time I was 25 is not happening. The map you create for your life will be ammended and changed and reconstructed and torn up and then remade again and again AND THAT is quite ok.

+I learned to accept who I am. I learned to (and am still working to) not compare myself and my life to others. I am a work in progress and will continue to be. It's all about learning folks. Trial and error is a natural tactic. I am happy with the way things have gone in general so far. Would I like to change a few things? Sure. But the experiences have made me what I am. Let's not live in regret but accept ourselves and continue to grow.

+I have learned that just by leaving 10 mintues earlier I can get to work on time- I know this seems obvious but it's taken me 25 years to figure this out and sometimes I'm still late. I'm a work in progress people!!!!

+I have learned that even though some people may call you 'friend' doesn't mean their meaning is the same as yours. That's a tough one. Be able to read the 'fake' and notice when it's just a party. Those people won't be there to pick you up off the floor and your feelings don't mean anything to them.

+I have learned that you can find what you're looking for in the most unlikely of places for example my keys, that one dress, a really good restaurant, and a cute boy.

+I have learned that I can ride a bike a hell of a lot farther than I ever thought I could. I also learned that I will not be doing that again any time soon.

+I have learned to not be ashamed to cry especially in front of someone who loves you.

+I have learned that T- Mobile really will cut off your cell phone if you don't pay your bill for two months. They do not care if you 'just forgot.'

+I have learned that you should not hold in true feelings and that you should always demand a direct answer, even if the answer is one you don't want to hear.

+I learned that you have to celebrate your failures as much as your successes. These are when you learn the most.

+I really learned to embrace the saying "Things could always be worse"- Even when I have been super down this past year I tried really hard to be thankful for the things I did have and the things I was in control of. It's so true! Things could always be worse! Celebrate the things you have and the people around you.

AND NOW, I will quote 50 Cent,"We're gunna party like it's my birthday!" Saturday is the big day folks! Come on 26 I think I luv ya!!!!

Saturday- The Rest of Halloween Part II

2009-11-02T13:14:00.005-06:00

Chrisann

So we wake up Halloween morning and I immediately feel like a fool. My makeup is streamed down my face and stuck. I turn around and see Kaleo starting to stir. I didn't want to bring it all up again so I said this:

Me: "Hi. I was drunk and dumb. Sorry about that. What do you want for breakfast?"

Him: "Ha, yes you were very drunk and you were honest. AND you said that I made that pizza so perfectly, that it was soooooo goood!!!! Hahahahaha"

And he continues to tell me how I was drunk and telling him that the pizza he made me was cooked to perfection and I kept repeating and emphasizing that had he cooked it for even just five seconds longer he would have ruined it, but since he didn't it was perfect and it was the best pizza in all of America and that anyone else eating pizza at that very moment should be jealous of the pizza he had made for me.

Me: "Well I don't remember that part. I'm sure it was delicious. I do remember throwing out my fangs and crying all the way home."

Him:"Yes. You did that too."

Me: "I'm sorry. I know I unleashed a lot on you last night and all of a sudden and...."

Him: "It's ok. Everything is just fine."

He sweetly just smiled and brushed my hair out of my face with his hand.

We didn't talk too much about it after that. I don't know if it makes him uncomfortable or if he can just sense how uncomfortable I am but it was just ok. He is a very considerate person so I'm thinking that he will let me tell him on my own terms. He won't push.

We called in breakfast to go and brought it home to eat in bed. We laid around and talked about how wild I was the night before and recapped all things funny. We laughed a lot and he continued to re enact how much of a fan of the pizza I was and repeating,"It was soooo good, five seconds longer would have ruined it!" And he would move his head around and roll his eyes around cause apparently that's what I was doing but I think he's exaggerating ;) He did this all day long. Either way I was laughing so hard my sides hurt!

We had to run a few errands and get the house ready for the party. Around 5:00 bands started to show up for sound check and what not. I was running late and being lazy so I decided at the last minute I wasn't going to see Lynyrd Skynyrd. I'm not upset about it either. I'll catch them next time around. Sorry no mullet shots!

I got in the shower as the party was starting and people were showing up. I could hear the first band play as I was in the shower- racket. They were a bunch of noise! I have no idea who these people were but I was not washing my hair in peace.

Then I moved on to the other bedroom since Kaleos room was being used to run sound. A few of the other guys girlfriends came in and were completing their costumes as well. The following two bands played while I was still getting dressed and they were good! I just thought to myself, how awesome is this? A live band is playing inside the house! Even though I'm late for the party I'm not missing anything because it's right outside my door! It was so nice to be at the house with friends instead of in a venue with random people. It was relaxing to have thigns run on our time.

Kaleo would knock every so often and come in to tell me he needed me to hurry so I could dance with him. LOL The longer it took me to do my hair, figure out my outfit, and glue on those damn eyelashes, the more drunk he became. Every time he came into the bedroom to check on me he was little more sillier if that's a word and if it's not it doesn't matter because that's exactly what he was.

The house looked AWESOME! There was fog and skeletons and scary masks and very dim lights. In the kitchen, next to the bedroom I was in, people were doing shots very frequently. And every time they took one it was like a riot! YEEEAAAAAHHHHHH's and WWWOOOOOOOOO's and super loud celebratory noises. It was so exciting I hurried to get ready faster and I even took a shot! But I stayed mild on Saturday. There was no way I was going to get like I was Friday night! It was Kaleo's turn....

I came out and Kaleo was googly eyed drunk and happy to see me ;) He's so funny. He told me I was beautiful multiple times and though it was endearing it just made me laugh. His friends and the other guys in the band were so funny too. One of them was drunk (like everyone else) and he said, "You know Court, I like you. You're smart and you're witty and you're gorgeous and I've been wondering....why the hell are you hanging out with him??!?!??!" And everyone erupted into laughter, including Kaleo- he said"I don't know man! She's here and I can't figure it out either!" And they all cheersed again, basically howling at the moon, and took another shot! LOL It was very flattering and hilarious all at the same time. I'm still smiling about it ;)

The costumes at the party were very impressive. Not everyone dressed up but almost everyone did and if anyone was in regular clothes they at least had some sort of theme going on like a slit throat or some horns or something.

It was time for Kaleo's band to go on and everyone was drunk- wasted- plastered. I was worried he would forget words to his music since he was so gone. But he wasn't sloppy drunk he was silly drunk. He was dancing around and he made sure everyone had a drink or candy. A neighbor came by and had his dog with him. The dog was even dressed as a banana! He asked Kaleo, "Do you mind if my dog comes inside?" Kaleo said,"As long as that dog doesn't smoke cigarettes or shit on my floor he's welcome! Come on in!" lol

Then they went on. Rocked out! Almost every band member had a costume on and Kaleo somehow acquired a fedora and a poncho.....I don't know what he was trying to be but he was pulling off ridiculous very well ;) And as ridiculous as it was he was still so damn cute! The show was good. And he even remembered all the words with a lil help from his friends lol.

Towards the end they only had a few more songs left and cops came. Hang on let me take that back- singular, a cop came. So they stopped the show for a sec and Kaleo (why they sent him outside as drunk as he was I don't know) went to talk to him. When he came back inside, he announced,"Ok everybody the cops were just here."

Everyone was silent and serious for a second. Then Kaleo goes,"And they said TO TURN THAT SHIT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

LOL! Everyone laughed and they started the next song. I'm sure the police did not say to 'turn that shit up' but they weren't mad at our party so we rocked on until they were done.

Later on things were winding down a bit and we were sitting on the front steps with a few friends still hanging out. We were saying bye to the last few who wouldn't be staying and when we turned to walk in he hugged me. He looked at me with his drunk eyes tonight. He said,"Court, I've been waiting on you for so long." I said,"I know I tried to get ready faster but......" Then he interrupted me, "Not tonight Court! I've been waiting for this for a long time."And then he kissed me and we went back inside.

Smiling as I type. We are on the same page and it feels so good. I found him when I least expected to. In the aftermath of serious heartbreak I found this crazy big hearted guy who was waiting on the same type of thing I was. Something worth it. The waiting is definitely the hardest part but worth it. So damn worth it.

We tucked in the friends who were staying into the extra beds and then we went straight to sleep. In the morning we had tamales and capri suns with our friends in the kitchen reliving the crazy Halloween night. I have never laughed so much in my life. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much. Sunday was easy and full of recovery and naps. I cuddled with Kaleo like I was hanging on for dear life and I have never been one to cuddle but I can't stop touching him.

I'm happy :) And I don't know but now that this weekend has passed I feel so much better about the situation that was lingering with CGM. Even the situation Mister Intellectual too. Kaleo is a very different person than what I would have expected myself to fall for but man it's so good. I'm glad he knows now. I kept feeling like I was hiding something but now there has been this weight that is lifted. I'm excited to see what happens next. And I'm excited just to hear what he'll say next to make me laugh, or for him to hold my hand, or for us to just do nothing together.

Sorry this is all warm and fuzzy bunnies and rainbows but damn if this blog hasn't seen some dark days! I'm ready for the sun to shine again!

Friday: Letting Kaleo Know

2009-11-02T08:24:00.004-06:00

ok ok ok so maybe I didn't get as much twittering done as originally planned. Let me tell you all about the weekend....we'll start with Friday.......

Friday, I was so excited (and I just couldn't hide it) when I left the office. I was really craving mimosas and I should know better because those things just go down so smoothly. Like once it hits your lips it's just so good. SO I had to swing by the grocery store to grab some stuff for the weekend and I picked up two bottles of champagne and orange juice. I made my way down to Kaleos and I vowed that when I parked my car on Friday afternoon I would not move it again until Sunday. Mission accomplished.

I got dressed and looked real cute in normal clothes and I wore my fangs. As I was getting dressed I texted CGM. I decided that if this was going to be on my mind all weekend it needed to be on his as well. I texted,"Tomorrow is our due date. We should be having a baby. Count the months." Buzzkill motherfucker!

Of course he didn't respond and maybe he thinks I'm crazy but I wanted it in the back of his mind just as it is in mine.

And then I dove in head first into mimosa Heaven. I ended up finishing 3, count that, 3 bottles of champagne before we ever left the house. Kaleo had a show that night so of course I continued to drink there. Now, remember how the bike rally was happening too? After Kaleo's band was finished I talked him into walking down to the rally with me to say hi to my parents. Obviously I way drunk at this point.

We walk down and there are SO many people. I'm walking fast and am on the phone trying to locate my mom and I'm all,"I'm on this corner and this avenue" and she's all, "You need to get on that corner and that avenue" So I would take off in the next direction that I thought I was supposed to be going and before I knew it Kaleo was no longer behind me but beeping in on the other line.

Kaleo: Court where did you go? You took off in the crowd and I have no idea where you are.

Me: I'm at this corner and this avenue and I'm trying to get to that corner and that avenue.

Kaleo: (big sigh) Ok I'll meet you there.

But you see, on my way to that corner and that avenue I saw someone I knew and I stopped into the nearest bar to have a drink with them completely forgettting where I was supposed to be going. THEN- I lost those friends and continued walking.

I ran into another friend and stopped to talk. Kaleo is calling my cell again....

Kaleo:Court I'm at that corner and that avenue and you're not here, at least I can't see you in all these people.

Me: No you're right, I'm not there I just found another friend! I'm at a new corner and a new avenue. Hang on my mom is beeping in.

I switch over

Me: Helloooo!!!!

Mom: Court! Where the hell are you at?!?!?!?

Me: Mom! I'm over here with friend number two! I can't find you but I'm trying to make my way over there.

Mom: Where's Kaleo?

Me: Um I don't know. He's at this corner and that avenue or something. We're lost.

Mom: What? You're lost? I told you where we're at just come over here!

Me: Mom I jut spilled my beer I have to get a new one I'll see you in a sec.

Then I hung up. And through the crowd there is my knight in shining armor. Kaleo comes walking up. He is so patient folks. He so calmly says,"Court this is stressing me out, I would really like to go home."

Drunk me says, "Well lets find my parents first and then we'll go." We had already been looking for them (and eachother) for over an hour at this point.

My mom calls again,"Court. CGM is here. He's not too far behind us, you might not want to come this way.

Me: Who's he with? A girl? Did you say hello? Did he see you?

After a brief convo with my mom my drunk self realizes that going home probably is the best thing for me to do at this point. I was in no type of condition to be in earshot of CGM. I would have flipped.

So we're walking home to Kaleo's and I have my vampire fangs in. I'm walking fast in front of him. I'm all inside my own head and thoughts of being in the hospital giving birth are weaving in and out of my brian. The thought of CGM just partying on without a care is killing me. I'm starting to cry.

I walk faster beause I don't want Kaleo to see me. I don't want him to know that I'm so upset and I don't want him to ask why.

I feel and know that I must look so ridiculous with my fangs in and who can take me seriously while I look like a vampire anyway? So very dramatically I pull them out of my mouth and throw them into someones yard. Immediately I regretted that but there was a bigger situation at hand. I half way laugh at myself and then now, the tears are streaming down my face.

Kaleo catches up and asks,"Court what is wrong?" And I don't want to say anything I just cry alone. And we turn the corner and continue to walk. I can see the house coming up. He turned and stood in front of me and pulled me close. He didn't ask he just let me cry into his chest. I say to him, "I know you probably just think I'm drunk and maybe I am and I'm sorry this is so dramatic but I am so sad....."

"It's ok" he says and he squeezes me closer and he kissed the top of my head. I'm sobbing in the middle of the sidewalk, no one is around but I'm hiding my face so deep into his chest.

"I'm supposed to be having a baby right now......"

Mascara is running down my face but I continue,".....This weekend was my due date. And I'm supposed to be having a baby rigth now but I'm not. It was my choice and I regret it so much. And I didn't want to tell you like this. It's all wrong. And I'm sorry. There was this guy and we made a mistake and now I live with that mistake and the decision I made everday. It haunts me and I'm trying so hard to let it go...."

Holding me tight he says, "It's ok. It's ok. Everything is going to be alright. It's all going to be alright."

And on the sidewalk in the streetlights I cried into Kaleos jacket my true emotions. He took it in. All of my drunken drama and the hurting truth that came with it.

"I am so sorry for right now Kaleo. I wanted to tell you before I did something stupid and told you like this but I couldn't. I didn't want you to judge me and how does someone casually bring this up? I'm sorry."

"No one's perfect," he says, "We all have things in our past we wish we could change but they happened how they happened for a reason. It's going to be ok. You are going to be alright, I promise, I promise."

And he held my hand and we walked up to the house. I changed into my pajamas and got into bed. He brought me one of his famous glasses of water and even a piece of pizza from our lunch earlier. I ate in bed and got crumbs in the sheets and pizza grease on my pajama pants. He covered me with the blanket and kissed my forehead and smiled.

"You have lost me in a crowd of thousands of bikers twice tonight. You chose to wildly throw your vampire teeth into a strangers yard and then asked me to look for them. You cried in the middle of the street and got snot on my shirt. Just now you got more pizza in my bed than into your mouth....."

My drunk hazy eyes are starting to fall as I am drunkley beginning to pass out.

"......But Courtlynn," he said, "there is absolutely no where else I would want you to be but right here with me."

I don't know how he does it people. I was a drunken fool Friday night. This man is patient and I'm saying it outloud, I'm falling for him. It sounds like a novella/ soap story of some sort but it's real, the drama and all. The next day is a lot better and I was a lot less drunk. More on that coming soon....

Lynyrd Skynyrd, Halloween, Rain Boots, Pajamas, and a Should Have Been Baby Daddy

2009-10-30T08:52:00.003-05:00

So here we are. The weekend will begin for me at 1:15 this afternoon. I will be heading down to Kaleo's where I will be staying the entire weekend. In the back of my mind I hope that while I am celebrating Halloween and Lone Star Biker Rally I do not run into would be baby daddy aka CGM. I had another dream about it last night. This is my due date. And no matter how hard I fight it, it continues to weave into the back of my mind.

I am strong. And I need, so desperately to have a good time this weekend. My very bestfriends will be there. I'm going to be completely ok.

NOW onto the fun business of Halloween and shiz. Lynyrd Skynyrd will be playing at the Bike Rally Saturday night.. LOL How fitting right? I might need to make it out there. It's times like this when I wish I had a camera phone. I wonder how many mullets I will see!?!?!?!? I like classic rock and you can't get any more classic than Lynyrd Skynyrd, especially in the south. HAha.

I will be twittering up a storm I think. So if you are interested in drunk twitter updates then you should sign up to read mine. It should be very entertaining, at least for me.

I was supposed to be a vampire for Halloween but lastnight I tried on my costume and it wasn't what I had hoped it would be. So although I have fangs I am still undecided. We'll see. What would I be if I just wore my pajamas and my fangs? I think I might be something that invloves me wearing my pajamas. Drinking beer in pajamas sounds like the perfect way I want to spend my weekend. How classy right?

Picture this:

Court is swaying in in the grass in rain boots and pajamas while holding a beer in each hand. Fangs in full effect. I will try really hard to aquire one of those beer hats as well. I will make friends with as many mullets as possible. And I will be singing very loudly,"Mista Saturday night special! What's your name little girl?! Sweet home Alabama!!!! Oooh that smell! Tuesday's gone with the wind!!!!!!"

I'm not psychic or anything but I see this actually happening in the near future. I will be white trashed out for biker rally/ Halloween. When people ask what kind of costume is this? I will say "it's called the I don't give a fuck Halloween costume. I got it on sale at mind your business dot com."

Oh internets. Hold on to yur britches, this weekend is going to be a rollercoaster ride ;)

Talking With Your Hands -Wildly- In an Unruly Manner In the Tiniest Car In America

2009-10-29T09:19:00.005-05:00

So I'm in my car on the way to work this morning and in front of me is one of those itty bitty Smart Cars. Ok. That car alone and by itself is kind of silly. It's like a joke on wheels. I always hope that when one stops at a red light 7 clowns will jump out and carry on with their goofy antics in the intersection, unicycle and all, but that has yet to occur. ;(

Anyway, so all these hopes and dreams are going on in my mind as I am gawking (lol gawking) at the Smart Car when I'm severely distracted. The driver of this mini car is a crazy hand talker. Now I don't know what he was saying in there all I do know is that he was mad passionate about it and expressed all energy into the flailing about of his hands. It was so interesting. Maybe he was talking about conducting an orchestra? Guiding planes on a runway? Practicing choreography? Or maybe he was listening to a black southern baptist preacher on tape? Canna getta amen!?!?!?!

I mean dude had. it. go. ing. on. inside that car!

He was so crunk in there I was kind of concerned for the welfare of his passenger.....if things got anymore exciting for the driver, the poor passenger risked being laid the fuck out in his seatbelt by a wild flick of the wrist. The car is only two inches wide for crying out loud! Dramatic Arms Driver should have considered this elaborate characteristic when he purchased this car. It makes him liable for a lot if you think about it.

My exit was coming up and I felt so tempted to pass it and follow the Smart Car people to their destination. I wanna know what kind of story was synchronized swimmer arms worthy!!!!

Sometimes I may use my hands when speaking. Sometimes I may gesture when giving directions. And sometimes, after a few glasses of vino I may stand up and re enact an entire scene of my life for you. The difference here folks, is that you never have to worry that I will accidentally harm you during my story telling.

Promise.

All These Things

2009-10-27T07:47:00.007-05:00

Painting By Kim McCarty

Ok how many times can a mother call and leave the same message? "Court give me a call bye." One. "Court give me a call bye." Two. Then we move on to the next day,"Court, it's mom. Give me a call bye." Oh look at her changing it up a bit! She even said 'it's mom'! Wild woman! THEN the next voicemail is my dad, "Court give me call bye."

What is that? 4 Court give me a calls?

Are you kidding? Is it against the law to say anything else in your message? I just thought that was silly. I was afraid my voicemail had skipped and was playing the same one over and over but no, my parents are just very uniform and unoriginal in the delivery. Heaven forbid someone should give a reason for the call.

Speaking of voicemail, (like how I created that segway into this?) I woke up around 4 this morning and I picked up my cell to check the time. I noticed I had a few missed calls. One with crazy unfamiliar numbers....you know, like from another country. Yes, Mr. Intellectual. This would mark the second time he's called since sending me his wack text message.

So at 4AM I sat up in bed (couch) and listened to his voicemail: "Hey C, it's me. I guess your taking it easy and not up by themselves drinking. Hahaha. Um. Anyway if you get this in the next few minutes call me if not then I'll be leaving (or sleeping I'm not sure what he said)."

Well he was right about one thing, I wasn't 'up by themselves drinking?' Douche.

I know it's been on his mind because it is very hard for me to just not respond. I always react. He expects me to say something even if it's just 'fuck off'. I think it has shocked him since usually I have been pretty predictable in always returning to him. The lack of reaction is proving how little I care.... or even if I do care, he doesn't know it.

Mister Intellectual hasn't been at the forefront of my mind but I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it. It is what I wanted for so long but even though it's there in front of me, I can't take it now. It's all messed up and it would be devaluing myself. I would feel as if I were settling for something less knowing the way he treated me and so deceptively brought that random chick here.

I know he has seen the pictures of Anne and her husband's new baby on Facebook and it makes him think about us. They were our best friends. We spent a lot of time with them. They moved on with life while we moved on and away from each other. That wasn't my choice.

One day, not soon, I will tell Mr. Intellectual about everything that happened with me and CGM and the low down less than feelings he put me through. I will let him know how I found out about mullet hair cut girl and the hurt heart I had dealing with both situations somewhat simultaneously. He will have to know the whole story, because it is partly his as well.

BUT even though I could take the easy way out, run back to Mister Intellectual, quit my job, and move out of the country, I refuse to let myself do it. It's not worth sacrificing my true happiness.

Kaleo and I are really something. He told me this weekend he is falling for me. I look at him with so much love in my eyes and in my heart. He makes me laugh so much that my abs hurt and I no longer need the 30 Day Shred. It's just genuine and fun and it feels right. I know being with Kaleo is a completely different way of being than with Mr. Intellectual but it's simple and it's easy. There are parts that obviously will be a challenge but when you're not competing or trying so hard to impress the other, or trying to prove yourself worthy, man the struggle hardly feels like one at all.

We are hosting a Halloween party at Kaleo's this weekend. Many of our friends are coming and the house is huge so lots of them are staying all weekend. It is also the bike rally weekend- where CGM and I would hang out for the past couple of years. Not only is there a chance I might see him this weekend but, hold your breath, I'm supposed to be giving birth this weekend. That won't be happening.

Punch in the stomach. It makes me feel regretful and crazy and I'm afraid I might cry. This entire month I have been dreaming about having a baby. I don't mean to, it's just there. I am very bothered this week.

I know I'm going to be ok though. There's nothing I can do you know. I'm going to be alright.

Drunk Dye- ing

2009-10-22T08:46:00.003-05:00

So last night I thought it would be a great idea to dye my hair so I had some wine and went for it. Brit had to work so it was just me and the dog. Word to the wise: Don't drink a bottle of wine and then dye your hair. While my hair did come out looking fabulous, the apartment on the other hand looks like cookies and cream. Dye is everywhere.

When I started I decided I needed to put on something black on just incase, you know, I might drip a little dye on myself.

I couldn't find the casual black shirt I was looking for soooo I put on this black dress that I haven't even worn yet. Tags were still on it but big deal atleast if I got dye on it it wouldn't show up. I turned up the classic rock channel and started mixing my potion.

Things went smoothly for about two minutes and then it slowly began to unravel. Manuevering a glass of wine while simultaneously applying dye to your head takes real talent.....and it's one of the few survival techniques that I don't possess.

I turned and looked into the mirror, oh is that dye on my ear? Well to take care of that I turned on the faucet (hello asshole you have dye on your glove!) to wet a towel to wipe off my ear while the other hand held up the rest of my hair. A piece of my hair fell down like a wet noodle and now I had a stripe down my neck. I cleaned that and then turned off the water and cleaned the faucet handle. I put down the towel and now the counter top looked like I was trying to sponge paint it. Not only my head but everything within a 20 mile radius was going to get dyed last night. Whether it liked it or not.

Finally I get that under control and decided I need to refill my glass o' wine. On the very short walk from the bathroom across to the kitchen my hair decides to drip. On the rug.

Catastrophe coming soon.

I realize that I am dripping because there is a large glob of hair dye just slowing sliding down my neck and the back of my shoulder. It has soaked the neck of the black dress I put on in preparation for such an occurance. Since the fabric is now wet I can't just wipe off my skin and be done because it keeps repeatedly turning me black.

What a fucking struggle!

I took off the damn dress and I'm yelling something about my fucking hair and all this dye! And look! Now it's dripping down the cabinets! And it's on my ankle?! The poor dog is just sitting in the hallway looking at me like,"Chicks completely lost it. Yes."

So finally things calm down a bit and I am looking at myself in the mirror. Here I am standing basically naked in the middle of the bathroom -in only my underwear at this point since everything has dye on it. My hair is piled on top of my head not unlike houdini soaking in dye, the tv is appropriatly blaring 'I'm on the Highway to Hell!', and I continue to hold on to my last life line, the wine.

Do I laugh or cry?

WHAT. Am I doing with my life?

Que the circus music bc not only am I still spray painting things every time I turn my head, I am trying to keep the dog from licking the drip of dye from the wall. There is a now dead nat in my glass of wine. Why is there a nat in the apartment? We don't even have fruit!

And where's the dog now??!?!?! Oh she's shitting in the corner of the living room.

So yeah basically, it was just a typical Wenesday night at my house.

I'm a Sinner, I'm a Saint,....and a Girlfriend?

2009-10-20T13:17:00.007-05:00

So yeah that fool Mister Intellectual called me lastnight at 11:00. I didn't notice but I wouldn't have answered anyway. AND no worries people I already erased the call bc I don't want to be all tipsey one night and think that it's a smart idea to give him a piece of my mind. He doesn't even deserve a drunken beat down from me. He left a message that was lame and generic....kind of like him.

I'm very surprised at how much it doesn't matter to me. I really meant it when I said that's all I needed. It's ruined and I could never go back to that. I couldn't trust him now. Done-zo. Case closed. Hasta la veesta shit head.

Now he can live the rest of his life knowing I was the one that got away. And thank GOD for that! Whew!

Anyway.....on to bigger and much better things....

Soooo I was a little honest this weekend. Operation Honesty in full effect kind of. Saturday morning Kaleo and I were lying in bed and I was thinking to myself how wonderful it is. How wonderful WE are. It's the weirdest thing. I remember waking up just a few months ago crying alone for many things that I was missing in my life. Not only was I lonely but I had been dealing with the rejection of CGM and having to make the decision to give up our situtaion. Then just as I started to somewhat be ok with that MI came in and completely tore me down again. I was desperately trying to stay strong but struggling.

I was hugging Kaleo, cheek to cheek, and I was so emotional inside my head. My throat was burning and I was fighting the tears. It was ridiculous. Just these thoughts of such a sad girl, myself, was literally bringing me to tears. But I didn't cry and he didn't even know I was about to. I'm just so happy when I'm with him. I don't feel judged with him. I am myself and I feel good. I have laughed more than I have in so long with him. I feel adored when he looks at me. I feel adored! And he's just genuinely sweet to me, down to th elittle things even....Like in the middle of the night he will get up and get a glass of water for me bc I'm tired and maybe a little afraid of the dark. ;)

And when we were driving in the car. The windows were down and great music was on and I was eating a lollipop, and I was nervous as hell because I could feel myself trying to work up the nerve to casually say something- anything!

And then it just came rushing out. I turned down the radio and I told him how I felt, I just said it all.

Me: "Ok you know what? I really like you. I do. And I don't know what's happening but I like you and that's it. You have to know. I'm not just hanging out with you. I like you a lot. Deep inside my heart ya know? Like I don't know what that means and it sounds ridiculous. I said deep inside my heart but whatever. And it's embarrassing how much I am into you and I don't know what that means and maybe it's all nuts to you but there. There it is......................silence..........................and uh, it would be really cool if you liked me too."

(Am I five or twenty five people?)

He laughed and was like, "You are crazy!"

Me: ...oh my god ohmygodohmygod.

Him: "You're crazy if you think I don't!"

Me: (inside my head; Thank you sweet lord baby Jesus because that would have been brutally embarrassing. Amen.)

Him: "I liked you the first day you hung out. I couldn't believe you kissed me! I have no idea why you started hanging out with me but I just went with it. Now, I don't know what's happening but something is here."

And he picked up my hand and I was about to pee in my pants or cry or possibly both. I just kept looking straight and driving. He said, "Court, I don't know what it is either but I like it."

Whew. Relief.

I'll take it. Let's not rush ya know. It's simple and easy and not too complicated.....except for the verge of panic attack I endured in order to get all that out.

I told him a little bit about the past and how I feel about him. I told him that he came at such a perfect time for me.

SO I haven't got real particular in the things I've said to him yet. He doesn't know about MI and we haven't even got to the other ordeal with CGM but I can't be like here's EVERYTHING that's nuts about me. You know, I have to ease him in on the crazy. But he was really honest with me too.

He said he's never been in real love before. He said that he's said it before because that seemed right at the time but it wasn't real. Not that we are but he likes me a lot. He said he's been hurt and used a lot. Like the whole band thing, girls like him just because of who he is and they don't really care to know more. I guess I'm not easily impressed with all that. Yeah it's fun but it's kind of not that big of a deal to me. It's awesome and I love it but it's nothing new....my father and step father did this stuff too. I have been carrying equipment since I could walk. lol My dad says my sister and I were the most adorable roadies he ever had ;)

I don't know what it is but it's good.

During the sound check that night I was sitting at a table with the group when someone was being introduced, "And that's so and so and this is Court, she's Kaleo's girlfriend."

Kaleo and I just looked at eachother and smiled.

Last Laugh ;)

2009-10-19T10:04:00.003-05:00

Wow. Ok so I had a completely other post written out for today all about Kaleo and how awesome he is and how the weekend was great and I'm falling for this guy but now something else has happened. You are not going to believe this.

I just now recieved a text from a number I didn't recognize. It says,"I think I'm ready to talk relationship but want to take it slow call me tonight if you're still interested."

I text back "Who is this?"

Mister Intellectual.

Yes. That's fucking right.

How ridiculous that he would actually think that I would have anything to do with his dumb ass now. Granted he doesn't know that I know so much about him and mullet haircut girl but I can honestly say.....

I'M OVER IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

God that feels good ;)

I want to laugh out loud that he actually has the balls to think in his tiny rude ugly brain and stupid heart that I would come running with a smile on my face.

That's somewhat insulting don't you think? I just didn't text back and I'm actually about to erase them. I don't want that disgusting number in my cellphone. I will not be calling MI tonight. He should talk relationship with that other chick because baby, you've blown it with this one.

I don't feel happy or sad or really anything at all. What a loser. That's too bad..... for him.

This Weekend Is About Honesty

2009-10-16T11:58:00.005-05:00

So here's what's weird. I've been having these weird dreams. Some are about me getting back with MI- never gunna happen- and others are about babies and me being 9 months prego. When in reality I am super embarrassing obsessed with Kaleo. Folks it's bad real bad Michael Jackson bad! I am so completely happy with him. I'm smiling while I type just thinking of him ;)

Cheese!

I don't know what it is about him. He is just so damn caring but still not in a push over type of a way. He genuinely cares about people. He is so kind. And 'kind' is the perfect word for it. It's unlike anyone I've ever dated before. I like to think of myself as the compassionate one usually. It's so weird that he is of the same heart. And his family! They are wonderful. Last weekend we were all sitting outside on Kaleo's lovely historic porch and his brother and sister and cousin were there too and we laughed and laughed so much. They are so welcoming. I feel so good around them all. And I feel safe with him. I feel good in his arms and when he smiles it makes me smile. And his laugh! I love his laugh ;) God I sound ridiculous.

In a weird type of a situation our parents met. He played a show close to home and his parents were there and of course my dad wanted to check them out. I suppose a rock show isn't necessarily the usual 'meeting of the parents' but ya know I never claimed to be normal.

We haven't got to that part where you tell all the bad things about yourself to the other. Well he's told me a little bit about his past but I have kept mine all sealed up and locked in.

"I only want you to see my favortie part of me and not my ugly side." Thank you Justin for saying it so eloquently.

I mean, how do I explain the saga of MI and everything that kind of recently went down- right before we started hanging out!??!?! I don't want him to think like he's some rebound type for me bc that is soooo not the case. AND then how do I explain that I was pregnant this year by some fool douche bag and then I wasn't pregnant anymore......by choice.

How does he feel about that? Um, if you've been reading here then you most definitely know everyone and their mother has an opinion about what I did. It will break my heart to know he would think less of me because of it. But he has to know. This has been a huge part of me and if I want to move forward with him I have to be completely honest.

I'm soooo excited to see him this evening but I'm really nervous too. How do you just bring this up? "So uh....there's a few things I want to, need to tell you....." I'll studder a lot and probably spill something or fall down. I'm not good with nervous.

I do know that I shouldn't get drunk and say these things. LOL Can you imagine?!?!? What a freakin mess....I'm all crying, mascara running......"AND THEN I was really sick cause I was knocked up.....and that asshole!" while I'm flinging my glass of wine around in the air for emphasis. Ugh I don't even want to think about it.

He (of course) has a show tonight so it's not going to be tonight. Maybe tomorrow? I think maybe tomorrow morning....but who wants to wake up to that? Here's some eggs and toast and my drama! Good morning! You're welcome! Today will be amazing!

This weekend is about honesty.

I'm ill Like Lil Wayne

2009-10-13T17:25:00.007-05:00

Hello internets! You might want to wear a mask while reading this and then bathe yourself in Purell immediately after. That's right. I have the damn Flu and let me tell you, it's not all it's cracked up to be. No no, it fucking worse. So maybe I get to stay home, so maybe I get to be in pj's all day but you know there's only so much Maury you can take in- (he's always NOT the father). There's only so many court t.v. cases you can possibly watch and for crying out loud.......there are only so many rooms you can Design on A Motherfucking Dime.

I'm going nuts. AND if anyone even happens to mention chicken soup one more time I will stab them with my digital thermometer......if I had that much energy I mean. Instead I would have to hire a hit man to get the job done and that's if I had the money. In reality you can mention chicken soup 72 thousand times and I will just lie here miserable and hate you inside my brain. (lol I originally mistyped brain and wrote Brian lol 'I will hate you inside my Brian!')

So yeah basically that's all that's going on inside my germ infested world. At the very least I'm just happy to not be at work. I do a little dance in celebration as I sit here in bed with the remote in my hand. I hold the power of a thousand warriors with that magnificent device!

That's all I've got for you today. I have to go put my blanket over my legs like an 80 year old cranky grandma in a house coat.

Go wash your hands and don't blame me when you have to stay home from work tomorrow.

They have yet to prove you can pass on the Flu via blog.

Thursday is Supposed to Be Good Though

2009-10-08T09:36:00.003-05:00

I'm dying over here internets. I'm so tired! It's a problem when your meds don't even wake you up. It's freezing in this cave of an office. I'm ready for change! Well....kind of....

Last night I was having this conversation with someone about money and I was thinking about myself and how much of a selfish fool I am being by continually considering bailing out of here with my finger in the air. I should be thankful for this job right? I should be thankful that my bills got paid this month right? I should find the silver lining in here somewhere and keep churning it out day after day here in my fucking freezing hell of an office with a smile on my face....right?

It's hurting my soul but I am so fearful that leaving will only cause more issues.....you know like not having the bills paid. Something has got to give. I've been talking about it for months now. I'm trying and I'm working on my other things it is just such a slow process. I know that I cannot live like this forever, hating my day to day.

Eyes sleepy.....I've got to get back to work and stop complaining!

Peep Show!

2009-10-07T13:17:00.004-05:00

Sooo my crazy friend Jules over at Mean Girl Garage gave me this lovely award.

It's called the 'I Shoulda Been A Stripper Award'. I'm down with that.

Sounds a lot more interesting than this corporate America biznass. I can dance pretty good...I don't know how well I can dance with a pole but I can practice.....I'm too sexy for my shirt........and then I'd rip it off!!!!

Anywho, now I'm supposed to name 7 personality traits and then pass it on to 7 others. Here it goes.....

1. Sometimes I'm ghetto. I can't help it. You wouldn't think it at first glance (that's what people say) BUT Do NOT get crazy! I think I get this sharp attitude from my mom. She doesn't take shit. I'm petite but I'm not scurred of anybody.....which could be a problem sometimes lol....funny story about that later.

2. I am a habitual drunk texter. I know I know. It's awful. I need rehab for this. In the moment it always seems like the perfect thing to text to someone at 3AM on a Tuesday night but in reality, it really wasn't.

3. I'm loud and I yell things in the apartment and my neighbors probably think we're crazy. We are. They're right.

4. Any time my phone rings I always say,"Who's calling me at a time like this?!?!?!?!" Even if I'm just sitting on the couch with a glass of wine and bag of cheetos. I hate talking on the phone.

5. I'm a welcomer. I like everyone to have a good time and when new people are around I want them to feel accepted. My mom taught me that the definition of class is not to impress but to make everyone feel comfortable. How sweet! Thanks mom for not completely screwing me up! You're a nice lady that can drink beer like a man, now that's classy!

6. I'm a bringer together of everyone. I absolutely love my friends and family and when we're all together it's so loud you would think we're arguing but no we're just being my family.

Okie dokie there you have it. I will now bestow the 'I Should Have Been A Stripper Award' upon these mighty fine hott asses:

Katie @ Loves of Life

Liz @ It's Unbeweavable

JB @ Black Thoughts

Lacey @ Apartment 513

Cindy @ Wine Upon The Lips

Still A Rock Star @ P.S. I Don't Love You

Miss Rosa @ Hazy Pink Thoughts

Congratulations! Now maybe we should all go into business together???

Happy Wednesday internets!

A Life Like Sunday Morning

2009-10-05T10:08:00.013-05:00

When Kaleo and I woke up Sunday morning it was raining outside. We celebrated by laying around all morning long. His house is awesome. It is an old historical house that is huge but it is separated into 3 apartments- downstairs, upstairs, and then the back is it's own too. His good friends used to live upstairs but recently moved out. I had never seen the upstairs apartment before but Kaleo just talked about it so much and that if he hadn't just got into the lease downstairs then he would have rented the entire upstairs. He's gone on and on about how badass it is for the past two weeks.

So yesterday morning we went up stairs. The door was unlocked and we went inside. He was not lying. This place is fucking awesome. Awesome I said! It has 3 HUGE bedrooms, a large living room with big windows, a large corridor, a cool lil kitchen, full sized washer/ dryer, two bathrooms- one of which has a stand alone tub old school style. The second bathroom has a bathtub with jets in it and it's buit to steam. Then the best part- the largest balcony known to man!!!!!!!!!!!! HUGE! And the living room and two of the bedrooms have these gigantic windows that open to the blancony. They are so big you can walk through them like doors.

This place is like my dream. I want to live there. We walked around the empty place and I said,"You know the only thing is there isn't a real dining room. Where would you put a dining room table?" And here is where I think I might keep him......

He goes,"You might think this is weird but if I lived here, I would put the table on the balcony."

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YES! The balcony is that big! I could have plants and a hammock and an entire dining room table on the balcony.....this place is awesome. I would LOVE it. LOVE IT! I love eating outside and the weather is so nice. The apartment is so light and airy. There's a natural breeze that blows through off of the ocean. I am in love with this place. I want to move into this apartment and never leave. I haven't stopped thinking about it since....granted it was yesterday but still. I will be so sad when someone else moves in there.

I already have all these plans for it. There isn't a lot of closet space in any room and the third bedroom is smaller than the other two so I thought maybe I could make the smaller one a big walk in closet! How perfect is that???? I think I would never leave if I lived there. I would have lots of plants. I would sit with my windows open and watch movies. I would have Kaleo over to grill outside and invite friends for dinner. That place is so awesome I would even look forward to Saturday morning cleaning, with the large windows open and some great music on. I want to live there so bad.

I've been thinking about what it would take for me to be able to move in. How perfect if I had a whole years worth of rent and just gave it to the owner straight up? But my job is not close to there. Although, you know I've written about it, how I want to do something else with my life. But logic keeps me at my current job. I think I would be really happy in that place though. It's not only the apartment but the move would be a big lifestyle change. I'm happy just thinking about it. Easy living. That kind of thing doesn't happen in the city. I've been thinking about something simple so much.....and really is there any such thing as the simple life?

Kaleo and I sat on the floor in this emtpy apartment and talked about arranging furniture and how he would come upstairs and water my plants for me if I ever went out of town. Then we sat outside on the empty balcony and imagined a large dinner table and friends over. I thought about how he's a really good cook. I'll be the bartender and he can be the chef.

I loved this apartment and the entire Sunday afternoon. A lot within me is changing. I want to be closer to my family and this apartment would accomplish that. I want to be happier with me and not with money. I like having options and I feel like money gives you that but I'm really unhappy in the grueling persuit of it. I am finding more and more lately that I just need enough to feel secure. Does anyone ever reach that point?

As the cool fall breeze blew and the sun came out from behind the rain clouds I realized it is unlikely that I will be able to move into that apartment for various reasons.....but what I do know is that one day that's what I want, something very similar to the life I envisioned on that balcony Sunday afternoon.

She Likes Green Day- WHY?!?!?!?!

2009-10-05T08:04:00.007-05:00

What's up internets. I was trying to post on Saturday but I was so tired I fell back asleep. Anyway, Friday night was great. ;) Kaleo came up and I got to take him to see a show instead of watching him play one. The band we went to see are good friends of mine and he loved them! His friends did too so I suppose I scored points for that. Anyway, after the show of course, was the after party so we all headed back to the hotel where Lainey and I had prepared a sink full of beer on ice. As the folks filed in I handed out the booze. It has been a while since I attended a party of this sort. I remember being on tour and it was kind of an every night deal......an every night thing that got really old. It was somewhat refreshing though to be doing it again.

So everyone's hanging out and this chick that is a friend of a friend is talking and out of the corner of my eye I see her and I can hear her say, "Red Hot Chili Peppers are not good. Over rated......" She goes on and on about why she doesn't like them and I'm sitting there not even listening to my own conversation anymore because I am so distracted.

Now, I'm not sure if you people know this BUT Red Hot Chili Peppers are THE SHIT in my book. I don't care I don't care! what anyone says. I don't care if you're hardcore punkrock and maybe that's not your style, you need to acknowledge their talent, respect it and move on with your life. This chick was talking about them as if they were The Jonas Brothers. And that's not even the kicker....

She goes on to say.....

"Green Day, now that's a band I respect."

...uh....what?

WhAT?!?!?!?!?

Excuse me? I don't even remember your name but give back that beer I gave you and get the hell out of my hotel room.

Don't get me wrong folks. Green Day is a decent band and all and I really really liked Dookie but they are not what they used to be. If I hear Boulevard of Broken Dreams one more time I will jump out of a window. Pure and utter disgust came over me when she dissed one of the greatest bands of all time (RHCP) and then praised awful Green Day???????!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not over it. Obviously it's Monday and I'm still not over it.

I called her out folks. I was a lil tipsy and I was like,"Hold on. Take the needle off the em effin record.....what did you say?"

And yeah I totally get personal opinion and what not but obviously this chick doesn't know what she's talking about. Now, I'm a very eclectic girl, especially musically. I grew up in a very musical household and around very talented people my whole life. I know what's good and I know what's shit. If you like shit, that's cool and you're not. I even listen to Britney Spears, and maybe that makes me a little bit lame. I like her but I'm not saying she's super awesome talented. You don't put Britney Spears in the same category as Rolling Stones. Just like you don't put Green Day in the same category as Red Hot Chili Peppers. Like what you want chick I don't know but DO NOT come into my party and start spouting this nonsense about Green Day being some rock god. I can't handle it.

If liking Red Hot Chili Peppers is wrong I don't wanna be right. Judge me. I like them and I believe they are great, way more talented than Green Day ever thought of being.

Ok. Now I'm done.

No one has to agree with me, that's fine. I just had to get here and cleanse my brain of this junk. I had to be all cliche and be like, "I'll blog about this later!!!!!!!!!!!!" I'll probably end up seeing that girl again and I will be nice to her. I was never mean to her but all respect for her musical preferences have been thrown out the window. Her opinion means nothing to me becuase she doens't make good decisions.

And maybe you're all like,"But Court you like Britney Spears!" And yeah I do, sue me. Slap me in the face and call me a teeny bopper/ punk rock sell out- I don't care! Britney doesn't even go in the same category. That's comparing apples and oranges people.

And I'm not even like one of those scenester folks that just debate bands and musical talent all day long. And I don't even understand why I felt so protective of Red Hot Chili Peppers that night. I've seen them live more than once and they rock my face off every time. It's good. I hear and feel the music in my damn soul and I move and dance and all is right with the world! (teehee) I don't think that happens at Green Day shows. Ever.

Bleh bleh bleh bleh blah to listen to me whine about nothin and everything all at once! Soemtimes I give myself the creeps....See that was a good song. What happened to old Green Day? I liked old Green Day. Boulevard of Broken Dreams and whatever song is playing as their new single now makes me want to ninja kick that Billy Joe guy in the face screaming, "What happened to you?!?!?!?!!??!?!"

Ok really. I'm done now.

On Being Fat and Broke

2009-10-01T08:16:00.004-05:00

Welcome to October folks!

Good morning! I thought it was important that you guys know what I had for breakfast. It is a vending machine breakfast that consists of Strawberry Pop Tarts (heated in the microwave bc the office doesn't have a toaster, what kinda place is this?!?!?) and hot fries. Breakfast of champions what can I say? I seem to be saying this a lot lately,"Someone with a semi nude photo shoot coming up should not be eating -fill in the blank-" (This will be multiple choice)

I'm supposed to be half naked in front of a camera in about two weeks and I had fried chicken, Taco Cabana, fajita tacos from this little Taqueria, and then the oh so healthy breakfast mentioned above.

Britney said if I keep doing this I will not look like Shana Moakler in a ribbon, she says I will look like Madea in a ribbon. That's not cute, is it?

Anyway, Kaleo is so sweet. Last night we were texting and he was performing a solo show. Apparently he texted me back while he was on stage and the audience thought that was great. Man I wish I could know what he said about me.....either way it makes me smile. Isn't he adorable ;) But I haven't texted him back because this morning my cell phone won't allow me to make calls or send text messages. I was trying to call Lainey this morning when a recorder came on and said something about being temporarily out of service due to non payment. I laughed and was like, "Lainey is so ghetto!!!! Who gets their cell phone disconnected for non payment!!!! Hahahahaha......"

Hi my name is Court.

Apparently T-Mobile expects you to pay bills or something? Well excuse me T-Mobile but do you know I live on a couch for the time being and I don't have a mailbox that routes to the coffee table aka nightstand?

Well internets, tweet all you want. I can read em but I just can't write you back until after lunch....ya know.....after I pay my bill.

LOL!

What. A. Scrub!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And Back At Monday

2009-09-28T09:49:00.004-05:00

Pic By Natalie Dee

Thank you all for the comments on the last post. LOL Isn't that so ridiculous? I called my best friend after I wrote that and she laughed so hard I sat on the phone in silence waiting for her to catch her breath. It's funny and I laughed too but at the same time I can't help but to feel like a douche bag fool lol!

Moving on.....

A little update about MI: There isn't one. He still sucks and his lame girl with the bad hair is still not cute. Call me crazy, (really what do I have to lose at this point with you guys?) but I told his mom. She is such a sweet lady and very sympathetic to how I feel because she went through the same thing. I was very hesitant to say anything to her because hello, she's his mom. But she was so comforting. I am glad I got to talk to her. Honestly, it sucks but I'm not dying over here. This has been a long time in the making. I have seen him for what he truly is and I'm glad about that.

In other news.....

The weekend was a good one. I wore myself out. Friday night I hung out with Kaleo and some of his friends. I showed up with a case of beer and a bag of candy corn (also at the checkout counter there was 6 toothbrushes for a dollar, who can pass up a deal like that?). I drank as if the beer of the world was going to dry up and evaporate into oblivion when the sun came up. The next morning I had to wake up super early because Britney and I took a lil road trip. I was crazy hung over and she insisted we listen to System of A Down for about an hour. Yeah it wasn't exactly soothing my pounding head. Regardless, I love my cousin Britney so so so much. She's crazy and beautiful and I forgive her for contributing to my nausea.

We went to a sports bar to watch UH play TX Tech. We were the only ones in the place who gave a shit about that game but by the end of it we had the whole place celebrating the win! Lots of shots and rounds of beer and chanting 'Go Coogs Go!' with these strangers who over the span of the game became enthusiastic fans....or just really drunk. Either way it was fun.

One of my favorite moments was at the end of the night. Lainey was with us and this very drunk/not attractive guy asked her,

"Don't you want my phone number?"

Lainey: "No thank you."

Guy: "God be with you."

Lainey: "And also with you."

Hang on, are we in church? That exchange happened so casual and without enthusiasm. The entire dialogue was in such a calm tone. I asked myself,"Did I really just see that? Did I really just hear that?"

What a nice guy. Gives blessings out when he's rejected for a number. That's nice.

Other things to know about....

So what if it's still September, we already decorated the apartment for Halloween AND the dog has a hotdog costume that may become a year round outfit. It's just too damn cute.

Have a wonderful week internets ;)

EPIC FAIL.

2009-09-24T17:11:00.005-05:00

Meeting Bloggers- I'm So Freaked Out and Apparently So Is Everyone Else

Well.....

I feel so dumb and misunderstood right now!

There used to be a blogger that would make me laugh litterally outloud every time I read her blog. I thought she was hilariously funny and then we became friends on Facebook. We live in the same city and we exchanged phone numbers even.

I never called her bc I'm so weird about people on the internet. What the hell would I say? "Hi I'm Court from online...um hi....how are you?" NO. Hell. To. The. M. Effin. NO.

This took a while for me to do..... I haven't been blogging very long and I've never met anyone that I 'met' online first or anyone that was a blogger in person. I always had this crazy paranoia that people of the internet were just murderers and serial killers. Real freaks of the industry that seemed super nerdy, and awkward, and creepy. I never had any intention to meet any of you bloggers..... and I still might never let it happen because of this this!

Time went on and I kept reading her blog. I felt like this chick was someone that could very well be in my circle of friends. The crazy things she found funny were the same things I did and I finally felt comfortable enough to suggest going to happy hour. I felt like a complete and total douche bag doing it but I knew she had met other bloggers before so maybe it wasn't as weird to her.

Um, I invited her to happy hour and she texted back maybe the next week we could. Long story short, we never met up.

We text back and forth a few times and maybe I commented on her Fbook status somewhere in there.

All of a sudden her blog no longer exists and we surprisingly are not friends on Facebook either.

I debated on whether or not to ever send another happy hour invite because hello! Creep factor! But she was one of my favorite blogs and if there was ever a blogger to meet, it would be her and it would be very convenient since we're in the same city. The entire time I thought about it I felt like a total dweeb.....um...I still do and even more so as you will learn. I was like an awkward boy asking a girl out or something. I felt sooooo stupid but just honestly wanted to get to know her as a normal friend.

So I sent another happy hour invite via text one last time.

No response.

Ok so I now assume I'm getting totally blown off by a girl I thought was cool, went out on a limb to meet in person, again soooo unlike me! I got SHUT DOWN folks!

I feel ridiculous.

So I just kind of dealt with being shut down at my first attempt at meeting a blogger. ohmygawd. What. A. Lame. Person. I. Am. Here I am all freaked out about meeting someone from the internet and then I am the one that gets blown off! How dumb do you think I feel now?

That's not even the end!!!!!!!! Yes. It gets worse.

So today I am reading a blog and find a commenter funny so I click on it to check it out. I go to this person's blog and it's hers. It's a newly created blog.

In the 'about me' section, she talks about how she used to have another blog and then 'really weird people started wanting to meet her for drinks.' She goes on to say that perhaps that is code for 'I want to make a lampshade out of your skin.'

Um. I never wanted to make a lampshade out of anything. I just wanted to get drunk with this chick I thought was funny.

BUT I am guessing I am the really weird people she's referring to!!??!?!?! OMG. How embarrassing. So yeah.

I feel super ultra gay.

(no offense to the real gay people, I'm sure I'll get hate mail for that one -get off me- two of my best friends are gay- I support you! Get married even!)

NOW I cannot by any means email her or add her new blog to my reader LOL!!!! Cause that will really make me seem like a fucking fuitloop/ psychotic stalker.

Like what would I even say? Ohmy gawd, I don't even want to think about it. I feel like a Grade A Douche BAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Although it is kind of funny and when I tell my real friends about I knwo they will never let this one go. I know I will NEVER live this one down but I have to tell someone! I feel super dumb about it and basically there's nothing I can do except feel pathetic that I got completely shut the fuck down by a used to be cool blogger!

This is so damn ridiculous! :)

I'm off to have a much needed margarita.

Love's Not What This Blog's About

2009-09-24T13:14:00.006-05:00

It's about beer and whiskey and drankiiin'!!!!!!!!!

Hi everybody. I know I know. I'm so over writng about the saga that is my love life, or you know lack there of, or kinda there is one, or I don't know- whatever. You know what I'm talking about. So let's take a break from all that shiz and let me tell you some other stuff.

Like something else you're probably over....but I'll make my rant about Kanye quick and then you can read about me and my string of bad luck on that business trip.....

I never talked about Kanye. And remember when I said this? He's so dissapointing. What a large case of Grade A Douche Baggery. I love the CD and his music is great and I get so hype when it's his turn in that Knock You Down song but yeah. Dude, needs help. Poor lil ol Taylor Swift. She's so nice. I would have gotten all kinds of ghetto real quick if I were her.

IN OTHER NEWS...................................

If you follow me on Twitter then you know I went out of town for a few days on biznas. I had a company car with no cd player, but it was fancy enough to have a cassette player. Problem was, I don't have any cassettes. Well no. Take that back I do BUT they are in storage. I would have loved to have brought along Paula Abdul's Forever Your Girl tape and Debbi Gibson's Shake Your Love. Instead all I had was the radio.

It wasn't that bad. I tweeted the entire drive when I was krunk (yeah I said krunk, so) about something on the radio. There was some Dire Straights, Rolling Stones, Drake, GaGa....I had a pretty good practice session alone in the car. You know how I have to get right just incase a karaoke moment may occur. (No really, someone stop me. Seriously.)

I could have sworn I was in an I Love Lucy episode all of Day One of this annoying endeavor. It was pouring down rain. I was out of gas. I pulled over at The Best Gas Station In The World and was being pelted by the sideways rain. I couldn't get the company gas card to work, it was bent and kept getting stuck in the machine. I was attempting on staying dry in my biznas attire but it wasn't happening. All the while whatever was in the trashcan next to the gas pump smelled like shit. So I was holding my breath and fighting the debit gas card machine and getting rained on, like someone was just standing next to me pouring buckets of water on me, but sideways. I gave in and used my own credit card, got some gas, and headed back out on the road....looking like a fucking wet rat and slightly smelling like whatever died inside of that trashcan.

I get to the place. Lots of rain still. The reserved parking for my event was full so I had to park two blocks away in a garage, no umbrella. I walked up 3 flights of stairs only to realize that I just needed to walk down one flight. Finally, I get to the place I'm supposed to be at (still raining) and an attenedant holding a door opens informs me that he cannot let me in through this door. I must walk around the building which seems like 3 years away -in the rain- to find the appropriate door for the companies. I had words with this guy. I may have mentioned thousands of dollars my company spends on this event and did he know who I was? lol of course he doesn't know who the hell I am...I'm not anyone important, I just thought I would try it. So I let out a big 'OH MY GAWD!?!?!?!?!' And continued my journey in the rain.

Did I mention it was raining?

By now that shit smell, you know from the trash can at the gas station, was completely washed off of me since I was walking through torential down pour. Thank God the staff delivered my equipment on time. But then I had to set it up....which I had never done on my own before. It is large and requires a girl like me to have to stand on a chair,(go ahead and que the circus music) that I nearly fell off of multiple times. It was a folding chair and if I stepped too far back on the seat it would.....

you know what. Forget it. It was a crazy day. LOL Today I can laugh. Tuesday I just really needed a beer.

I never thought I'd say this but I am so happy to be back in my office.

Noticing the Difference

2009-09-21T12:00:00.004-05:00

Hola internets.

I stayed in on Friday and realized while I was stalking on Fbook that MI brought that mullet haircut chick to Houston days before we hung out. She was here. He took her to the same restaurant he was going to take me to and he took her to the same bar we went to the second night he was here. I am numb. It sucks and is the final page turn in that chapter of my life. I never in a million years would think of him to be such a skeeze, so low, and dirty. Yeah. I don't really have a lot to say about it now. I'm done and although I'm not doing back handsprings down the sidewalk because of it, I am happy to know I can move on now. I can totally move on never having to think what if? I gave it my all, I let it come back around and it still sucked. Yes. I am better than this.

Saturday afternoon I was driving down to Kaleo's wondering if I should even visit him at all since I was in such a foul mood. My heart and ego were hurt by MI. I was played for a fool. But I still went and I'm so glad I did. Folks, Kaleo is so great. Really. He could tell I wasn't right a little and he didn't ask, he just held me close and kissed my forehead. Kaleo and I sat in silence for a while and he held me as I fell asleep for an afternoon nap. I suppose I was just exhausted from the stress of MI, the way it really worked my heart. But I woke up feeling a lot better.

You know I'm not worried about it possibly being too soon for me to start dating Kaleo. My heart is not freshly broken by Mister Intellectual, it was long ago. This weekend it was just confirmed. We haven't been together in a long time, over a year, and I have been alone to grow on my own. I'm just going to let this with Kaleo float on you know.

This weekend I took some of you guys advice and decided to stop thinking too far ahead. I enjoyed my time with him. I didn't think about what if this and what if that. I just enjoyed it. When you live in the moment you really get to feel everything that's happening and you are able to appreciate it. Thanks for the suggestion.

Kaleo's band had a show Saturday night and I went. Cool venue but very crowded, I suppose that's not a bad thing lol. Anyway, I loved that I was welcomed by his sister and we hung out most of the night while they performed. She's a really cool chick. I loved that walking through the crowd he was the one that was standing behind me. I loved catching eyes with him from across the way. I feel safe with him. I smile on the inside and the outside. I feel kind of pathetic how cheesy and stupid I am when he's around or I even just start to think about him or even speak his name. For example, I'm smiling right now ;)

One small thing happened this weekend that may sound kind of stupid but was such a defining moment for me. We were all getting into my car to go to the next place after the show and my girl friend said,"Sorry Kaleo, you have to sit in the back!" He was like,"Aw come on now! I'm not going to fight you for the front seat. Of course you're going to sit in the front."

It wasn't even a question. And duh, a gentleman should do that. And while that seems like simple courtesy, Mister Intellectual would never sit in the back seat for any of my friends without making a huge deal about it.

But Kaleo is not MI. Actually they have nothing in common except me. Kaleo has a heart that MI will never have, and perhaps it sounds silly since I just used giving away shotgun as an example of his 'kindness' but it's true. He is golden in the way that is so important. He is caring and not only for himself but the people around him and non judging. This is so important to me.

I think that happiness makes you rich and with Kaleo, I feel like I've won the lottery.

Yoodah Yoodah Best.... Look At How I Embarrassed Myself This Time

2009-09-18T14:00:00.006-05:00

hi. my head hurts and i'm typing with one hand and am too comfortable/ lazy to move the other hand so there will be no shift button action. big deal.

we're gunna party like its my birthday.......yeah. kaleo had a show up here where i live lastnight. (ok I had to readjust. Two hand typing is in order. Welcome back the shift key.) I recruited two more girlfriends to go with me and even though it was supposed to be a mild night, it wasn't because apparently I don't even know what that means.

I drank lots of beer. I met lots of people. I talked and talked and talked, laughed, then talked some more. I can't tell you anything I talked about. Probably just some bullshit.

But people were nicer this time and the venue was awesome. They had a large outside part that reminded me of someones baller backyard. And the weather was cool out so you know I had to celebrate. Don't worry I did.

I think Kaleo and I held hands. Out in the open. I mean it was a really good night. What's better than having a beer in one hand and that cute ass boy in the other? I like him. Hopefully he doesn't think I'm a complete jackass because.........

......This morning I was looking through my phone at text messages I sent lastnight. (Holding head in shame) I sent Kaleo various messages that most definitely made me sound like a drunk rambling bitch.....but a sweet bitch, I guess. I erased them upon reading them bc it's embarrassing. One of the text messages said,"Yoodah yoodah best." You know, like the song......

WHY?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Who does this?!?!?!?!?! Was it necessary to type it out phonetically? Yoodah? Really? I'm such a stupid stupid girl. Did I think I was being cute and flirty? He probably doesn't even know that song! Oh my gawd. I'm psychotic. I know.

Ugh.

Well internets, I am hungover and I need a nap. Enjoy this song.

I will leave you with these words of wisdom: Do not text anyone you are interested in 'yoodah yoodah best' because it makes you sound like a big fucking bag of douche.

Canna getta amen? Ugh.

That Chick... She's All Crazy Like Fox

2009-09-16T19:27:00.006-05:00

Buy a button like this here.

Hello folks. Ok here's the update. Kaleo is awesome. I really like him. I drove down you know and went to his show on Friday. Thank God I was able to recruit two girlfriends to go with me. Now remember how Kaleo and I went to the same high school? Well if you don't that's ok, I didn't know him back then.

Anyway the show was at this place and it was a very punk rockish type of a crowd. I saw people there I hadn't seen in years, from high school, and they looked at me as if i had stepped out of some alien spaceship. Um, in high school, I guess you could say I was kind of part of the popular prep crowd. As lame as that sounds, it's just what happened, I didn't know any better. I was a cheerleader but always had a serious crush on the skaters and boys who were 'bad'. I always wanted to hang out with these people and from time to time I did, I didn't limit my circle of friends, but ultimately if they had to classify me, then yes, I was lame honor society material. I always knew my love for music was obvious but I didn't really develop my rocker side until after lame ass high school.

SOOO seeing me walk into this underground show and being there for crazy Kaleo, I understand their bewilderment. Lol Actually, a girl I used to be friends with was there. And she did a double take upon seeing me. She asked,"What are YOU doing here?" She wasn't exactly rude but no one was very welcoming. I'm used to it. A chick shows up to a concert and all of a sudden she has to be a fucking groupie. Ok so I'm into Kaleo but rock chicks are so quick to judge. Come on you can definitely tell the groupies from the nots. Blah anyway, the girl politics of rock shows is so annoying, and yes you better believe there are politics.

Anyway, the show was great despite the weird looks and no one saying hi and all. Afterwards we all went back to Kaleo and his brothers house for the after party where it was Off. The. Hook. At the house no one really talked to me or my friends at first and I couldn't handle it. I was like if they won't talk to me I will talk to them. I started making friends and the girls soon realized I wasn't a threat to them and neither were my friends. We all got along really well and we danced and laughed and overall had a bad ass time. There were still a few hard asses but they'll come around in time I suppose.

Sunday was a great day. (You would know that if you followed me on twitter.) I hung out with my dad. We rode the motorcycle around and to the beach. We shared a bucket of beer and listen to a live band. It was a beautiful day. We were in Kaleo's neck of the woods sent a text and said, "Bring your dad by the house! I have a beer and a guitar for him!"

HA! Yeah right. I texted back that either my dad would laugh at me or ignore me. I slyly suggested it to pops and tada! He ignored me.

A little while later he said, "You wanna go by Kaleo's? We'll go by there. Where does he live?"

Um internets could you hear the pounding of my heart through my chest on Sunday? WHAT? He wanted to stop by his house? I think good ole dad just wanted to be nosey. I think he wanted to check out this fool I have been hanging out with and talking about. I was nervous! I was like please Kaleo be wearing a longsleeved turtle neck even though we live in Texas and you probably have never owned one. SHIT! WHY?!?!?!? Why in the hell did my dad want to go by there? People. I was flipping shit. I really wanted to say, oh never mind! They went to sleep. Or they had to go rescue some baby kittens out of a tree, no one's home nooow.

Before long we were pulling up to their house on the Harley. (LOL I told you, my family, we are not typical.) We sat on their large amazing porch (they live in a beautiful historic home) and Kaleo shook my dad's hand, handed him a guitar and a beer, and then it was as if they fell in love. LOL Really I almost think maybe it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with the fact that my dad just digs people who play music. Before it was all said and done they were talking about scheduling shows on the same bill. WTF? Twilight Zone. Weird.

So in celebration we rode back home and to the bar where I tend to sing karaoke and we all know that I don't need to be doing that. Remember Love Shack? This time I sang a Rolling Stones song and a Journey song. Somebody stop me. Please.

So Monday I went to work feeling less than amazing and having an itchy throat. I ended up leaving early and I went to the doctor yesterday and stayed home again today. I know that I should be celebrating the new thing that is Kaleo but there are some things that are holding me back and it's time to tell you guys.

Number one is that yeah MI is still in my head. I can't ignore that I'm still hurt and not over it completely. Yesterday he text asking me to change his name in my phone bc I accidentally sent him a text that was meant for someone else with the same name. I wrote back saying, "Actually I'm taking you out completely. Have a good one. Hope all your dreams come true. Hasta."

And with that I deleted him. He wrote back saying that wasn't very nice. He called me cranky and said he loves me.

Ugh. Shut the fuck up already.

Um the second thing is that while Kaleo is super sweet and perfect in most ways, his day job is not a baller one. And that is fine, but I feel like it's lack of motivation that keeps him where he is. Yes, he is a very talented musician and the band is great BUT in the case that they don't go all the way- he has no plan. And it seems somewhat immature to just 'hope for the best' with the band at his age. Foolish? In my opinion, yes. Everything about him emotionally and personality wise is perfect and then there's this. I get the starving artist gig and that's cool but shouldn't there be more? Why wouldn't you strive for the best all the way around? Please do not get me wrong. I feel like I might be misunderstood in this situation. Basically I just feel like he could be doing more and he's not and I'm not really into fixing anyone. It is an obstacle no doubt.

I don't know. I understand that some people have to have one goal, one main focus at a time. It's just that I have higher expectations and it bothers me that someone of his caliber doesn't push for that.

And then Home Town Mister is calling again. He just bought a house. Sometimes I wish I could just settle for the simple kind of life.

I'm down folks. I don't know what the deal is. I'm just fighting you know. I'm trying to get through it all and I'm trying to not make more mess for myself but I'm struggling to keep my head above water. These past two and half days at home I've had time to sit back and think of what to do about it. I'm just upset. I'm reminded everyday in one way or another I am supposed to be 8 months pregnant right now. Can you even believe that? I would be due at the end of next month. My parents saw CGM again last weekend. He hugged my mom.

Then there's work. Work is kind of weird right now. I like my job. It sounds good to say when people ask me what I do. I'm proud but I'm not happy. I know some people will want to punch me in the face for what I'm about to say but I can't honestly believe that I would be upset if they fired me. Has anyone figured out a way to get paid for playing Rock Band all day?

AND I still live on Brits couch and I feel like a loser because no I'm not paying rent but where the hell is all of my money? Um, I'm not good at money management. The freedom of not being held down by a lease is nice though. Somehow I find comfort in the cushions of this couch. It is, after all, a nice couch.

But you know, don't cry for me Argentina, because that photoshoot is coming up and that is going to make me feel better once it's all said and done. RIP Fried Chicken Dinners. I have to let you go along with all the madness that is my drama with stupid stupid boys and life.

If you made it this far in this post, you win a long distance highfive. I'm giving them out for free just for today though.

Hey Now Hey Now

2009-09-15T23:20:00.001-05:00

Hi Internets.

I have an update but i can't write it right now. Coming soon to a blog near you......

A Good Day To Drink Lots of Stella

2009-09-10T13:46:00.008-05:00

Oh drunk nights. Oh drunk night eating festivals, how I love thee. Last night I ate an entire Taco Cabana that they had to shut down for a few days until they could receive a new shipment of tacos and salsa. Around 3:30AM I apparently texted my boss that I had all of a sudden contracted food poisoning (aka I'm just really drunk and will have a massive hangover in the morning) and probably wasn't going to make it into the office on time if at all. I don't even remember doing that but here I am in my office, hating life and holding back dry heaves. Thank gawd for the gardners doing the yard work this morning or I wouldn't have even made it this far. No alarm was set, instead I had Felipe with The Loudest Lawn Mower In America right next to my window. I could have sworn he was trying to blend my skull with a weed eater.

No worries folks. I'm fine.

Ok ok ok. Last night:

I was waiting around and what not for Kaleo to let me know when his magazine thing was done. I didn't want to show up at the restaurant where his interview was happening because isn't that weird kind of? But this interview lasted forever! Like two hours! Who has that many freakin questions? He sent me a text that said, "Just come up here, you can help us with some answers." LOL So I went.

We met up. I went to this place and met some of his friends/band members. It was nice and a lot of fun. His friends are hilarious and had me laughing the entire time. There was a heated debate about who was the real star, DJ Jazzy Jeff or Will Smith aka The Fresh Prince.

We talked a lot. I like him folks. I got all tipsy and told him I wrote about him. I will not bring this up again. Actually, I hope he forgets about it. (dork nerd idiot!)

Britney eventually came out and she met him and his friends. She's really hott and has an awesome personality so everyone loved her. AND she liked Kaleo too. She said, "If he's what makes you happy who cares!" So right. He's amazing and really cute- there are just a few reservations I have that I won't get into just yet. We'll have to see where this goes.

Anyway, the guys left and Britney and I went out. I changed from my relaxed fit torn up jeans and flip flops to a dress and heels in the car as B drove to the club. Yet again (if you follow me on twitter you might already know this) but I partied like it was my birthday. Again, it was not. I was in the dj booth dancin it up. I don't know what the deal is but I always have to be BFF's with the dj's everywhere I go. It's kind of ridiculous and maybe even a little embarrassing the more I think of it.

But I took tomorrow off and I'm going to visit family this weekend that live in Kaleo's city. I'm driving down tonight after I go to Vogue's Fashion Night Out! SOOOO excited about that!!!! But Kaleo and I are supposed to hang out again when I get in. I'm crazy delighted!

(duh)

Tattoos On The Neck Can Be Endearing, Right?

2009-09-09T11:41:00.004-05:00

Tonight I'm supposed to meet up with Kaleo. :) Cheese! Big smile! He has texted me this morning but hasn't mentioned it yet, I on the other hand am doing cartwheels in my office.

LOL I know I know, I need to calm the eff down but I just like him. :) Cheese! Big smile again!

I feel a little nutty how I just went from crying my eyes out over stupid MI about a week ago to being a giddy little school girl about someone new. Oh well. It's just what happened.

Britney is coming with me tonight. And I feel weird. I even braced her,"Ok he's not someone you would see me with." And when she asked what I meant by that I said,"Well he has facial hair and he's big. He has tattoos and not just a single decorative one." He isn't the type of guy you look at and think wow! What a hot ass dude! Typical sorority girls across America would shudder in their pearl earrings and Tiffany's necklaces,

.....but not this one ;)

I thought he was a cutie but the more we talked the more I liked him and now I see him as a hott ass dude no doubt. The sound of his voice in my head makes me giddy. Damn, wtf, really self? Court, do you see yourself? I need a reality check because I'm all full of butterflies and unicorns and floating around on air about a dirty boy in a band.

So odd what's happening here. But I like it.

This is Bad, Real Bad, Michael Jackson ;)

2009-09-08T08:53:00.006-05:00

Ok kids get out your meds. Take your fun pills because this is where Court gets a little bipolar.....

Yes I've been sad and crazy over Mister Intellectual. Let's cut to really cute, not typical guy I would date. He steps in and steals the show.

SO I me this guy right....the one I kissed when Lainey came into town after he played a show. We're going to call him Kaleo. I've been listening to a lot of Pepper, they are the perfect summah time music. Anyway, his voice reminds me of Kaleo's from Pepper, and he's hott like that too. Anyway, we've hung out a few times. I like him. It's weird. I haven't thought about Mr. Intellectual all weekend. Actually, there were particular messages I had saved in my phone from MI but deleted bc he so doesn't matter since Kaleo is around.

I stayed at his house.

We didn't go to sleep until the sun came up and nothing crazy even happened. We talked and talked and talked. We just had so much to say and there was so much to know. I spent all of Labor Day in bed talking with Kaleo. I like him.

I don't want to say too much bc I don't want to jinx it. Also, I hope it's not one of those things that you get all excited about but then it fizzles out- I've been known to have a few of those.

There are a few things though. He is nothing like MI. That can be a good thing... He is very smart and intellectual but he's sooo not corporate America. Tattoos. Lots of them. My mom met him randomly and was like,"Oh hell no." She thinks he's nice enough but 'not someone I see my daughter with'. A few friends have made similar comments. Honestly I don't care what people say, I know how I feel but at the same time I don't want to get myself all caught up and then it just ends up being one of those things, an end of summer fling.

I like the way he kisses me and holds me close. There is no one I want like him. It's so weird. And for the first time in a long time, I want him want him. Ya know.... (is that tmi? oh well. lol)

He makes me laugh so much. He is very clever and charming. There are things about him that you wouldn't think are typical judging from his rocker exterior. He seems very wild but the way he talks about his mom and worries about his sister just makes me feel so warm. And he's not the typical guy I would be attracted to. I've dated crazy rocker types like The Punk, but he's not even like that. Hard to describe but he just has something about him. I'm drawn in big time.

He's coming into town Wednesday for a magazine interview about his band. He's supposed to call and we'll meet up afterwards. This is good, I hope. I mean, I'm smiling while I'm typing this so I suppose that's a good sign ;)

Meet Kaleo, the new kid in town.

Healing in the Sexiest Way Possible

2009-09-01T09:42:00.003-05:00

So I've been absent. I have had a lot on my mind and usually I want to write about it. I have been writing a little but not here, just in my own personal things. I feel like everything I write lately is like "wah wah wah poor me" so I just never post it. But here ya go, here's a post and I feel sad so if you're not into that kind of a thing my feelings won't be hurt if you stop reading after this paragraph.

I think I am getting to the realization that MI isn't as wonderful as I always make him out to be in my head. That in reality he kind of sucks. I don't want someone who is this way. I know I deserve better. But logic is irrelevant to me right now. I just feel sad and walk around like a zombie.

It's like the life I always thought I would have is in fact just a dream. I know that when things don't go the way you want perhaps it is a blessing. I know there is someone awesome and great for me. I am very annoyed that I was ok and strong and becoming comfortable with being alone and then this happened. It just knocked me back down to square one.

It's been rough you know. The whole ordeal with CGM and whatnot. That is still lingering in my thoughts and babies are always on my mind. And now there is the weight of MI. I mean, I don't feel hopeless or anything, I just feel sad about it all.

I know, I know, Jules and Dingo are going to be all 'stop with the looking at FACEBOOK!' But sue me. I looked at his facebook. (I swear that's going to stop though- I swear.) There is a new picture she (mullet haircut girl) posted of her and MI in a club one night. He has his arm around her. He swears he's not in a relationship but they sure do seem chummy.

I kind of feel insulted by how uncute she is. Like if he, the guy who has me out of my mind, is going to be seeing someone else- please make her comparable to the previous. I mean, sorry if this sounds bad/wrong/conceited/shallow and any other word that you might use to describe this but I'm cute. I'm not a hott girl that's a super mega bitch or anything (and Lord knows I have flaws like those few extra pounds that creep onto the scale from the fried chicken addiction) but I'm not ugly. And if this mullet haircut girl is a representation of the type of girl MI likes to date, then uh, what the hell was I doing in that category?

Ugh. Anyway. I'm still eating cardboard and working out. In about a month I have set up a photo shoot for me and Britney (my cousin who's couch I'm living on). We are going to be taking awesomely hott photos with this great photographer. We're recreating a few of our favorite pics from people we think are super hott. So yeah, emergency intervention from the fried chicken since I know I'm going to be half naked in front of a camera.

Nothing says "Your loss" like looking fabulous. That's the plan. And when he wants to come back and work this out (because I know he will) it will be too late. I'll be over it and I will gladly give my blessing to him and the hideous mullet haircut girl.

You'll Be Standing In A Line

2009-08-26T08:47:00.007-05:00

So there really is no update.....he has read the monstrous email and has yet to reply. He text saying he wrote me back but something was wrong with the server so it was erased and he has to start over. Yeah ok. Let me hold my breath for that one.

I wrote another email with the subject line 'letting go'. I feel very dramatic and annoyed with how cliche I am acting. But basically, the 'letting go' email was just that. He still hasn't read that one and I sent it two days ago. It hurts and I feel like a fucking idiot but you know, what am I going to do?

I have to be done and wash my hands of it. I have to begin to move on and away from him. HE is the one with the problem. HE is the psycho one. Who says those things? Maybe that's why we came together this one last time, to finally close it and let it become a memory instead of letting things linger into unknown.

Well, the thing that always makes me feel better is to be in shape. At least if I'm going to be a sad bitch I will be a hott sad bitch. lol. SO I am working out and on this diet with my cousin, you know the one whose couch I'm living on- we will call her Britney. The food on this diet is not very appealing....high fiber and whatnot, basically cardboard. If you can't tell I might be less than enthusiastic about this.

She is a good partner to be with through all of this. She is also going through boy stuff so we are kind of in this together in more ways than one.

I'm thankful for her because I really did NOT want to work out lastnight and I wanted to eat my left over Mexican food but she wouldn't let me. I am living with Miss Health Fitness of America folks. SHE MAKES MY LUNCH FOR ME! She even labels my snacks! It is somewhat drill sargent with a little bit of Denise Austin mixed in. I half way want to knock her out but then I love her more for it.

When we're working out and I want to quit she yells,"Come on Court! You're going to look so hott!!!!" And I yell back saying that maybe I would just rather be fat ;) But this is good and healthy and I'm thankful she is so motivated.

Her goal is a two piece Halloween costume.....yes because Halloween is the excuse to dress like a slut for a night. I would also like to be smokin hott by Halloween. My birthday and lots of fall festivities will be happening soon and what better way to say 'eff you losers!' than with a hott body?

*Que 'Cry Me a River' by Justin Timberlake.*

Yeah. That's right. My abs are about to look like Gwen Stefani's.

Don't eff with me because I will be very strong (and deprived of Frenchy's Fried Chicken. I get a little grumpy without it.)!

Can Someone Hand Me My Striaght Jacket Please, Thanks.

2009-08-20T10:44:00.006-05:00

When I got off of work yesterday I sent a text asking if he had read it yet. I was walking into the bookstore as he responded,

"No honestly, I haven't. I don't want to do this now. I'm just not ready to do all of these complicated things."

I just stood in the book store doorway. Stunned. Maybe even confused. I stopped for a second. Wait this is from Mr. Intellectual? Yes. Took a deep breathe, and then aimlessly wondered around the shelves. What does this mean? I can't comprehend it. My heart is erratic, vision dazed. A clerk asked, "Ma'am can I help you find anything?"

"No. I'm just lost, I mean I'm just looking around. Thank you."

He doesn't want to do this now. He said he doesn't want to do this now. Books. All of these books. What kind of order are they in? Alphabetical? Classified by subject? Wandering wandering I find a place in the history section. Some other customer comes down my aisle and I slowly walk to the next. I need an aisle of my own right now, if you would kindly excuse me. He said 'complicated'. 'Not ready'. Maybe I should get a biography? Maybe I need something sad like me. No no maybe I should get a funny book, yeah that's it, I need to laugh.

Hiding in the bookshelves I text back. "That's fine. Just read my email please." Really? Why did I say fine? It's everything but fine. It is the opposite of fine to the millionth degree!

The little message in the middle of the sea of books broke my heart. All I wanted was for all of the heavy bookshelves to come crashing down on me causing me to die a long agonizing death so I could cry and cry and cry until passing into the next life escaping the pain of this deep unwanted love.

He says he promises he will read it soon.

What was I here for again? Oh yeah.... a book.

I think to myself on the drive home, maybe after he reads my open heart email he will change his mind? Maybe he will come to his senses? I feel like Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber,"So your saying there's a chance?" Am I tricking myself into thinking there is a chance after he reads the email? Why should I have any hope? He has clearly stated in a two line text message, yes a text message, that he doesn't want this. He doesn't want me.

But he hasn't read the email? There is a slight glimmer of hope! I could change his mind! Lainey always says I can persuade anyone to do anything- so maybe! MAYBE!

I might have actually lost it this time. I am delusional. I am fucking crazy now.

I get back to the apartment and obsessively check to see if he has read the email. I check back all night long. As of 12:30 he still had not read it. Three glasses of wine tuck me into bed.

I am a psycho nutcase and checked it as soon as I got to the office this morning. He read it. He read it! I don't expect a quick response. It's a lot to take in. He needs time to think. But now I know he is aware. Don't get your hopes up self. Oh no, no hopes are not up at all. They are all way down low. Hm. We'll see.

(Really? Death by fallen bookshelves? That is not the rockstar way to die. It's not even very romantic in the name of love like Romeo and Juliet. Or wild like Sid and Nancy either. Not only am I crazy but I am nerd. So embarrassing.)

So Here's What I Said....

2009-08-18T22:22:00.003-05:00

Ok this is long but if you want to know stick it out and tell me what you think. I actually included little excerpts from the blog when I've written about my feelings for him so i won't include those now because it makes it super extra long. Basically, I wrote this and rewrote it and proof read and re read it about934867280934 times today at work.

(BTW my typing might suck and I'm not going to take too much time to fix it. I am typing on a laptop and i hate it.)

So he doesn't have a personal email so i created a generic one with a very clever name and password. It's funny. I emailed it there and then i sent him the login information. Here goes nothing......

Mr. Intellectual,

You are completely aware of my feelings for you and if you weren't before, you will be totally and utterly aware when you are finished reading this. Maybe you should print this out and get comfortable. It's long. I have a lot to say. Please only read this when you are alone, when you are not distracted, and when you have time to reflect afterwards.

My feelings for you have been thrust into a major whirlwind ever since we saw each other a little over a week ago. I think it is incredibly unfair, careless, and extremely hurtful for you to come into town (after not having seen each other for almost 8 months) basically profess your love for me and then take it back and leave again.

You left me in January in the harshest way possible. You wouldn't even face me to give me my things back. I cried myself to sleep so many nights, as pathetic as that sounds it is the God's honest truth. I wondered if you were here or if you were gone yet. I wondered if you were ok, if you had made friends in 'the new place'. I worried if you were eating right and who was keeping up with your laundry. I was sick for these past months. I hid my feelings because I knew you were pushing me away; the move and the promotion were a lot on you, you didn't need me hanging over your head as well. So I sacrificed my heart so you might have it a little easier when all I wanted was to take care of you.

I have been so sad since you've been gone and have done everything I could to distract myself from it. I started working out and trained for the MS 150, I began 'doing this' and 'doing that', and I started writing more- a lot having to do with you. I've known for so long you are all I wanted but I couldn't let myself tell you how I felt- you left me and I was determined to appear strong. I didn't want you to know how I was truly breaking down.

You texted me months ago, I suppose it was your first trip home since the move. You said you wanted to see me and I told you no. I couldn't handle it. I was afraid that I would see you and this sea of emotion would come flooding back. I try to keep it together. I don't want every time we talk to be so dramatic or me having another issue to talk about. I feel as though talking about my feelings annoys you and I am afraid to push you away. Somehow you can do it. You can play pretend for a weekend like we are a happy couple again and then leave and still sleep at night. MI, my feelings never turn off for you.

More time went by. This is the longest we have ever gone without seeing each other since we've met. I am dying inside but I can't let you know. I have to stay strong and productive. I have to keep the smile and look great, putting on this facade that I'm not completely caving on the inside.

Finally, you text that you miss me. I saved the message. I still have it in my phone. You said that you love me and you wanted to catch up. I thought this time I was strong enough. Lots of time had passed and the crying was finally controllable. I was nervous to see you but so extremely happy. I was so anxious it was making my stomach turn. How could I be so worried to see you, the person I know most in the world? I was scared. I worried things wouldn't be the same. Maybe you didn't love me anymore, maybe you had met someone else.

But I opened the door two weeks ago on Monday and when I fell into your arms I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I felt so loved and so happy. The lump in my throat grew but I fought it. No tears could fall while you were here. I didn't want to be sooo dramatic, as usual. I couldn't let you know I was weak. Here is an excerpt from what I wrote that day:

(blah blah blah)

Yeah that was Monday and then things changed dramatically on Tuesday....here is part of what I wrote that day.....

(blah blah blah)

Look I know this email is crazy long but you have to know how I feel. Often I overanalyze, I hold back, I don't say exactly how I feel because I don't want you to freak out or feel bombarded. I don't want to rush anything, I would only want things to happen naturally. After the Monday you were here I know that you are who I want for the rest of my life for a fact. This is the one thing in my life I have been the most sure about- ever. The thought of you being so in love with me, seeing you down on one knee with a ring, looking at the end of the church and seeing you waiting for me at the alter, having you hold my hand as I give birth to our children- MI there is absolutely no one else in the entire world I want in those places more than you.

I want to take care of you. I want to do all of those things a wife is supposed to do for you, I look forward to those days of me and you and our own little family. I see women in the grocery store shopping with kids in the basket and the ring on their finger, I want that. I want to go home and make you dinner and put the babies in the bath, read to them, put them to sleep, and go to bed with you next to me. I want to sit in Sunday morning mass at church as Mrs. Intellectual with a three year old next to me and a baby in my belly, while you, my husband, hold my hand. I want us to be old cute grandparents like Grandma & Grandpa. I want to love you that long.

I can't see my life with anyone else. And the slightest thought of you with someone else sends me into a severe case of crazy....

I'm sick when I have nightmares of you with other people. You said you stayed at some girl's lake house this weekend. Here's what I thought about that:

(blah, blah, blah aka yesterday's post minus the kissing other boys part)

I had been doing ok until you came into town. I was strong. I was living my life on my own. I have grown so much as an individual it's ridiculous. I can take care of myself. I pay all of my own bills. No one helps me. Yes, the same girl who would have panic attacks when my bank account would have less than 'X amount of dollars' in it. Two years ago I would never think that I would be so self sufficient. Maybe that seems so simple but I was a very dependent, irresponsible little girl before. Now I am a strong, independent woman. I am young and single and I do not need anyone but myself. I have been alone for the first time in my life -completely alone- and though it has been a struggle, I wouldn't trade what I've learned from it for anything. I have learned so much about myself. I can carry more than I ever thought I was capable of. It took a long time to get here but I am proud of what I have become.

Then there's you. I love you. I have had to supress these feelings, I have been forced to put them away in order to move on with life and keep going. How unfair for you to step in and bring all of my emotions out in the open and walk away giving nothing. How selfish for you to say the things you did and then leave me to wonder. I don't know what you're doing in 'the new place'. I don't know what girls you talk to or who you sleep with, I just know that I want nothing to do with you as long as you're living the life of a bachelor. I have held such self control and sustained a really good lifestyle on my own. I will not be your girlfriend back home when you come in for a week or for a weekend.

What I want is real. I want the Mr. Intellectual I had before. The real you. I don't want anything forced. I need you to love me on your own accord, wholeheartedly. I am not expecting a proposal any time soon, I just want the confidence in knowing that you are mine. I don't like to see pictures of you on Facebook with other girls. I don't like to see you in the hot tub sitting close to some tramp or hugging them without your shirt on. I will be committed to you and honest. You can rest assured that I will be here in Texas with my heart only beating for you. You could lie to me if you choose. How would I know? I never thought it would be something I would have to worry about, I always held you above that standard. I would require full trust on both our parts in order to move forward.

When you talk to me on the phone as if I'm just some friend coming to visit, I don't like the way it makes me feel. I am more than that. I hold back from visiting you because it would absolutely kill me to go up there and have you treat me differently. I am so in love with you I can't handle that.

Again, I don't want to force anything, it would undermine everything if this were forced. I just know what I want and if it's not what you want, you should tell me. I cannot sit here and wait on something that may never be. It is not fair. You have to let me go if you are not sure this is what you want. I know in the past we would sit around and let our relationship kind of glide along not really putting a label on it but I'm over that. If that is your definition of 'letting things happen naturally' I can just tell you right now, it's not going to happen.

We are adults and I will treat my relationship in that manner. I feel that if this is truly what you believe in for our future then you will pursue making it happen. You will call me, you will want me to visit and make sure that I do. You won't be hanging out with random girls.

I refuse to nag you about it. I refuse to wait around hoping for it. I am putting it out there. I love you and this is it. These are my feelings. If you do not feel the same, believe me it will hurt and it will hurt me for a long time but I suppose eventually, some long time from now, I will have no choice but to move on.

I know this email is basically a novel. Read it again. I put a lot of thought into everything I have said here. Every word is meant for you to know and understand exactly how I feel and where I stand. Write me back if you want, which is what I would prefer. I want you to seriously think about us and everything I have said here. I want you to consider your own deepest feelings and find the answer.

I love you Mr. Intellectual, more than anything.

Sincerely,

Court

There it is. I sent it. It's a done deal. He will read it sometime, hopefully. I read it to my friend and I asked do i sound nuts? Am i asking too much? Is anything unclear? Does it ramble? She siad everything needed to be said no matter how long it was. Oh well. i hope so. Now it's out there.

A Thousand Miles Away and He Hits My Heart So Hard Still

2009-08-17T20:03:00.005-05:00

I was sitting here eating dinner and decided fuck it I'm calling Mr. Intellectual. So I did. I was totally not prepared for what to say. I just felt like I wanted to talk to him and the rest would fall into place. Wrong.

He asked what I did this weekend and I told him. Then he went on to say he went wakeboarding, someone's parents in his building have a lake house. Blah, blah, blah, it was so much fun, her parents have a boat.

EXSCUSE ME?!?!?!?!?!?! Did you just say HER?

I said nothing. I just have a sick feeling it's mullet haircut girl. And ok maybe they're just friends but I just have this feeling about it. I got really quiet, I didn't know how to react. Punch in the stomache. He said,"Do you still want to come visit?" as if nothing just happened.

I said I didn't know.

-Silence-

"Do you want me to?"

"Yeah. I think it would be fun."

He said 'her'. I'm not over it. Did they ride out of town together? He met her parents? Why am I psycho? If it was a secret why would he even mention it right? Who cares I kissed two boys this weekend. I don't care. I mean Home Town Mister is really cute. Who needs Mr. Intellectual?

But I can't finish my dinner and the tears are welling up inside me. He is not talking about things the way he was that night. He is not making me feel so in love as we talk on the phone worlds away. I feel foolish. I feel taken advantage of. I feel like maybe this isn't what he said it was going to be. How could I let my guard down so quickly? Why would I believe him? I am so fucking hurt.

All of that happening inside my head while I just sit silently on the phone. He said,"Court, you want to just call me back?"

Yes. And I hung up the phone.

I text to ask him for his personal email thinking maybe I would write him, I'm better that way than with actually speaking believe it or not. He only uses his work email mostly and I didn't want to send anything this personal there. But no response.

I sent a text that said,"You know what, don't even give it to me. I'll save my words. Your indecisiveness and fickle moods are killing me. I deserve more than your immature games. I pray you don't end up alone like your father. Have fun in your new country. See you around."

Maybe the father comment shouldn't have been said but his dad is a real womanizing asshole. He is very charming and attractive. Mr. intellectual's mom is a sweet lady who decided she couldn't be with him long ago. She remarried a wonderful man while MI's dad is still alone, dating the flavor of the week. I want him to think about it. I am afraid he will respond with something hardcore mean but he hasn't said anything yet.

I just can't do it blog world. I LOVE him but all of this is really wearing on me. It's not ok to say all the things he did last week about a future together so seriously with tears in his eyes and then treat me as if I would be a friend coming in for a few days....after he just spent the weekend with some random chicks parents at their lakehouse. I refuse to allow myself to be put through this. I feel foolish for letting my guard down for being naive to think he meant what he said. I think inside it is what he wants he just doesn't know how to approach it- and you know, I can't wait for him to figure it out.

But I knew! But he was here and I had never felt more sure in my life! I thought this was it.... I just know or thought I knew he was the one. I always want to work it out with him. I have waited long and patiently for him to say the things he did and just when I was so sure things were falling into place, were coming together, were becoming what they should have been all along, it's not.

God it's a sickening feeling.

I Kissed A Boy On Friday And Then I Kissed Another One On Saturday

2009-08-17T19:44:00.003-05:00

So this weekend Lainey came into town unexpectedly. She had one day to spend and so we made the most of our time. There was a show happening Friday night, a band that I had heard of and had seen the end of one set before. I wanted to catch an entire show and since Lainey is the perfect concert partner and wingman (wingwoman) I thought what a perfect opportunity that has fallen into my lap here. You know how I've been so down and mad and crazy about the situation with Mister Intellectual? This was just what I needed to cut loose and relax with my bff. So we got dressed and were off. The show was great and afterwards I looked over to Lainey and said,"Let's go make some new friends." We walked out and that's exactly what we did. These guys were so funny and fun. The singer was really cute and we actually went to high school together but I don't remember him. We were really flirty and they played us acoustic songs in the parking lot. I kissed him.

Then Saturday night- you know the fight between Gina Carano and that man from Brazil? Well my parents had a little party at their house so I invited some friends over to come drink and be merry. Hometown Mister and myself have been texting a bit so I invited him. Why the hell not? He is very sweet and so damn cute. I went outside to walk him in and I said, "Why don't you kiss me really fast before we go inside?" I was already a little tipsey by the time he got there so I guess I just grew balls and felt completely ok saying this. He was kind of shocked,"What??!?!?! Where's your Dad?" It's so funny the way guys are about my father- he is deathly afraid of my dad. But my dad was inside so he kissed me. And it was great.

Perfect distractions.

I know you must be thinking, "This Court she is completely nuts!" But even though I love Mister Intellectual, I cannot allow myself to sit here and cry for him all day and all night. If I want to run around getting mono- lol jk jk jk- then that is my business! LOL Total joke. I'm surprised I kissed two boys in one weekend. I guess a part of me is like,"Girl you still got it!" And then another part is like,"You pathetic mouth whore!" Whatever. I like Hometown Mister. And if M.I. wasn't somewhat in the picture maybe I would really want to date him....

Straight Up Now Tell Me....Internets help.....

2009-08-13T08:28:00.005-05:00

So. I haven't heard from Mr. Intellectual too much. Yesterday I sent a text saying if he wants me to visit in September I have to apply for my passport like yesterday. I asked if that's what he wanted me to do.....I sent that, oh around 4PM. He did not respond until 12:45. And when he did he said,"You should work on getting your passport regardless. September will probably be good."

Ok. Blog people. Tell me straight up. This is a shitty response from someone who was talking marriage just last week right? To me it reads, "Like, you need a passport anyway....and yeah sure if you'd like to come by in September that's cool, I should be home."

What. The. Fuck.

Am I wrong for not liking this response? Last week he was talking about paying the extra charges to have the process sped up. Now it's just casual?

I really feel like I am getting a case of 'He's Just Not That Into You' BUT this is so weird. We have soooo much history, going on seven years, and now I feel like this is some sort of cruel joke. There is no game to be played here, we've been past that....for years.

I haven't responded and I'm not going to. I'm pissed and mad as hell. I don't get it but I'm not going to let him fuck around with my emotions this way. (lol that just sounds funny- but I'm serious!) I might still work on getting my passport but it won't be as much of a priority....and when I get it I'm going on a tropical vacation- not to visit him. If he wants this to work he'll have to make it happen. I'm not chasing him around in attempt to have something he's so fickle about.

F that.

I'm not over reacting, right? He's gone from one extreme to the other, correct?

It's Wednesday....who cares unless it's Friday....

2009-08-12T13:00:00.004-05:00

Ok so right now I don't really have a home. I have a couch. I am staying with my cousin (she lives closer to my job than my parents) until we move to a two bedroom. SO nevermind about all that talk about walking around naked since I would be living by myself. It just works out better this way for both of us actually. Saves money and we can get a big roomy place.

Somehow I feel ok. Yes, I was having a breakdown about 48 hours ago but today I think I might be alright. Alright or bipolar....tomato/ tomata.

But I really do. I know that somewhere in this sweltering South Texas heat there is a cold front a brewin'. And it will swoop in bringing open windows type of weather to my part of the state soon enough. The Fall season always makes me happy. But since I was able to actually go swimming last December, I can't really count on that too much. (Did anyone hear the Debbie Downer 'wooomp womp' after that last sentence?"

I miss Mr. Intellectual. Real soon I plan on applying for my passport. Won't that be interesting? lol I'm sure it will be eventful, especially if I get to meet the blonde girl....I really should stop with that. It's probably nothing....but if it is I already told you what would happen. lol Just joking, maybe.... Anyway.....

I wish I were going back to school. I want a new backpack and a lunch box. I loved back to school shopping. I want to finger paint and have a snack like in kindergarten.

Ok this was just a procrastination ramble. I have work I have to do.

Moving & Ghetto Court is Coming Out on FBook

2009-08-10T22:35:00.004-05:00

Hi internets. I'm alive and moving, literally. It sucks. Things should be settled after tomorrow....well settled for the in between time. I went with moving to storage and living with the parents for a few weeks. As great as they are, it's going to work the nerves a little.

I had a break down today while moving out of my apartment. I drove to the top of my parking garage and balled my eyes out. I am stressed to the em effin max. I had to give myself a pep talk.

Then I drove around trying to find some condo I'm supposed to look at and realized I was in the ghetto. I yelled at some bum. "Don't ask me for money! You probably have more than I DO!!!!! RRRRAAHH!" lol I didn't do the rrrraaahhh part but I was borderline mental patient. Poor homeless crackhead guy left me alone and thought I was the crazy one.

In other news.....

MI just keeps repeating,"Don't rush me." And I'm like shut the hell up already. And you can stop flattering yourself while you're at it. How can I rush anything when I am having a nervous breakdown?!?!?!?!? I love him but shit, I get it. I'm not like in some sprint of desperation to the alter. Chill. The. Fuck. Out. Obviously I have other things hindering me- that's right- ME! I'm worried about all of COURTLYNN right now so sit down and shut the hell up MI!

SO since even breathing is being perceived as rushing someone I will not even inhale air facing the cardinal direction of the country he is in.

It's so weird. I have NEVER been all about a wedding and blah blah blah- still I don't know where I stand about it all- I am in no way rushing anything and the fact that I am being accused of it is driving me insane. So instead I guess I do/ say nothing at all? Except creep around on facebook....sue me.

In FBook cattiness news.....

I hate the little feed that shows you whenever someone has uploaded a new picture or whatever. There is a new picture of MI with that blond girl and the mullet haircut. It was someone else's picture but she tagged it. His face isn't even in it. They weren't even supposed to be in it. You can see her and she has her arms around him and he's not wearing a shirt. They are at some sort of festival with a lot of people. It makes me sick. Like, I know him and I know she is NOT the kind of girl he likes. And I'm not just saying she's not cute- she really isn't. AND judging from all of the pictures she seems touchy feely with every guy that was around, not just MI. BUT I really don't like her touching him with no shirt on. AND if I go visit there might be a problem. The ghetto in me will come out. People don't see it coming. I look very sweet and nice, and I am most of the time.....until I see you touching MI without his shirt on. At the same time I have to remember that I have hugged people over the past few months too. And perhaps out by the pool they may not have been wearing shirts either.

Whatever. Rational thoughts are all out of the window. I want to claw her eyes out.